It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
I used to be a narrator for a bad mime.
I have a microwave fireplace. You can lie down in front of the
fire for an evening in eight minutes.
When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was rereading it.
It said: Day One: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody
talks to me like I'm an idiot.
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate
has an expiration date on it.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I have the oldest typewriter in the world.
It types in pencil.
I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been
stolen and replaced with an exact replica.
I had a postcard from my best friend George. It was a satellite
picture of the entire earth, and on the back he wrote, "Wish
you were here."
I was once walking throught the forest alone, and a tree fell
right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.
One night I couldn't sleep so I got up. I got hungry so I went
down to this store I know that's open twenty-four hours. When
I got down there, there was a guy outside locking it up, he said,
"Sorry, we're closed."
I said, "What do you mean, you're closed? The sign says,
'Open 24 hours.'"
He said, "Not in a row."
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on beaches
all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger?
You never know what you have until it's gone. I wanted to know
what I had, so I got rid of everything.
I'm working on a campaign to take all the salt out of all the
oceans because I think the fish are getting high blood pressure.
Every day, I like to put a little time aside and just forget about
it, so at the end of the year, I have a few days to myself.
I'm walking down the street. I see a poster that says, "Reward:
lost, $50. If found, just keep it."
Whenever I fill out an application, and it says "in case
of emergency, notify," I put "doctor". What the
hell is my mother going to do?
I remember the day the candle shop burned down. Everybody just
stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday'.
Once, I went through a stop sign, and the cops stopped me. They
said, why did you go through the sign? I said, I don't believe
everything I read.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.
When the trees blow back and forth, that's what causes the wind.
I took a lie detector test. No I didn't.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore
like an idiot.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
I'm kind of tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I have all the erasers to all the miniature golf pencils in the
world.
I was arrested for resisting arrest. I can't wait to be arrested
and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to
tell the whole truth, so help you God?" "Yes, you're
ugly. See that woman in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with
her. Should I keep going, or are you going to ask me questions?"
Whenever I pick up someone hitchhiking, I always like to wait
a few minutes before I say anything to them. Then I say, "So,
how far did you think you were going? Put your seatbelt on, I
want to try something. I saw it on a cartoon, but I'm pretty
sure I can do it."
The coyote has been chasing the roadrunner in that cartoon for
25 years. I'd like to see him go right up to the roadrunner and
say, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else."
I borrowed $25 from my friend George. I had the money for 3 weeks,
but I didn't pay him back. We were walking through New York 2:30
one morning and a mugger holds us up. I said wait a minute and
I paid George his $25 back. The thief got mad, and took $1000
of his own money and gave it to George. Then he made me borrow
it from George at gunpoint and took it back.
Why are ballerinas always on their tiptoes? Why don't they just
get taller women?
