I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could..but she pulled through."
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.."I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.."On your mark..."
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me.
When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My husband made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips.. but won't drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York.I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That is why we give you 21 days."
Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days.. just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my husband just broke up with his girlfriend.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said.."Alright..you're ugly too."