(David and his royal backsidekick Jonathan are on their way to the battlefield where Goliath has challenged the Israelites to send their best warrior to fight him.)
David: I'm here! Wait a minute, shouldn't there be a bunch of maidens
dancing around me singing my praises?
Jonathan: I wouldn't think so.
David: Me neither. Fancy maidens being around when you are. Say, what's that
guy doing on that table there?
Jonathan: I think he's taking bets on who's going to win. And I
think he's just seen you. Yes he certainly has --- he's not taking bets
any more.
David: I suppose he realizes that the giant has no chance.
Jonathan: I'm sure he's very confident of the outcome.
David: Always nice to see commercial sponsors taking an interest in
proceedings.
Jonathan: Isn't it.
David: Do I detect a note of sarcasm in your voice?
Jonathan: Certainly not. You wouldn't be able to detect a note in a
ton of music.
David: That's good to hear. I don't like to hear people laughing at
me.
Jonathan: So you aren't just dumb, you're deaf too?
David: What did you say?
Jonathan: You are very deft too.
David: Why thank you. I must say I am. I haven't seen anyone pick a
lock the way I did yesterday.
Jonathan: No, I can't say I've ever seen anyone try to pick an
unlocked lock before.
David: Was rather pleased about it... did you know that was only
the second lock I'd ever seen in my whole life?
Jonathan: The second! My, my. I would never have believed it was the
second.
David: Oh my God! Is that the giant?
Jonathan: Um.. yup, that's Goliath alright. I'd say you'll need all the gods you can get.
Would you like me to place an import order for a couple more? I hear there's
a surplus in India. Or if you want the latest in pocket electronic gods, we
can get some from Japan.
David: I think I forgot my slingshot at home...
Jonathan: It's around your neck.
David: Darn, there it is. Uhoh.
Jonathan: Uhoh?
David: I seem to have brought the wrong stones. These are the cakes
we couldn't finish at tea.
Jonathan: I am sure Goliath will love to have his forehead pelted
with a couple of caramel cupcakes. Might work --- he'll probably die of
laughing.
David: It's alright, I found them.
Jonathan: The cupcakes?
David: No, the stones.
Jonathan: (sigh) Sometimes your memory amazes me.
David: It amazes me too. Do you know that I know a very good recipe
for pie backwards?
Jonathan: I'm sure you know everything that's backward.
David: You and your big-city snobbery.
Jonathan: Hey, I don't go around picking fights with people who
aren't smaller than me. Speaking of which, it's been nice knowing you, here
comes the giant!
David: What happened to moral support?
Jonathan: Oh, I'm right behind you.
David: I can see that. Five hundred metres behind me.
Goliath: Hello, little boy!
David: Hello! I would call you that too, but my mother always told
me to tell the truth.
Goliath: Very funny. Ready to call upon your god, little boy?
David: I am not a boy, I turn eighteen next month. And I have
already called upon my god, and his answering machine has assured me that he
will get to me as soon as possible.
Goliath: I like you kid! I think you'd go very well with some
spaghetti.
David: Jonathan, what's spaghetti?
Jonathan: I think it's stuff that Romans put on walls.
David: That's graffiti, you dolt. Did you load your brain with
string today instead of the usual fluff?
Jonathan: Aren't I supposed to say things like that? Wait a minute,
let's get things back to normal. Could you sign this? That's right, just an
X will do. Flip the bloody decoration, two lines will suffice! Thank you.
David: What was that?
Jonathan: A life insurance policy. Guess who collects. No, that
might take too long with you --- talk to Goliath, he's getting bored.
David: Yo Goliathlooks, was your mother as ugly as you?
Goliath: Was yours as stupid as you?
David: Jonathan, he's hurting my feelings!
Goliath: I am so sorry! Shall I hurt you somewhere else?
David: You wouldn't be able to hurt a fly!
Goliath: Yes, they are rather fast.
David: Go f**k yourself. Say, I've always wondered how to do that.
Goliath: (shocked) I thought you Hebrews were a religious bunch of
people!
David: We are! Try fighting us on the Sabbath!
Goliath: There's an idea... I shall have to talk to the commander
about that one.
Jonathan: David, do you want to put their spies out of a job?
David: Oops! Um... Goliath, I'm supposed to kill you right?
Goliath: I've never seen anyone kill anyone wrong, so I guess so.
David: How come you haven't killed me yet?
Goliath: Because I only do one thing at a time.
David: So if I keep you talking I stay alive?
Jonathan: Would you guys please hurry up! The crowd wants to see a
fight, not a debate!
Goliath: You heard the man, David. We really should give our
audience value for their money.
David: You mean your guys are paying to watch this?
Goliath: Not the ones here, but they're showing it on cable back
home in Gath.
David: You have cable? We're still running on fable here in Israel.
Goliath: Hmmm... that's too bad. My brother is into satellite
broadcasting --- you know broadcasting programmes to satellite towns and
regions of Gath, perhaps we can go into a joint venture or something?
(thus it came to piss that Pee TV was formed, keeping kings and politicians too engrossed in the small screen to bother sending people to war. --- Dinoj Surendran, dinoj@usa.net)
