Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
My karma ran over your dogma.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
Eschew obfuscation.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
Save California; when you leave, take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
No radio. Already stolen.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
Everything was going swell - then I was born.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
MONTANA -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven in like the IRS.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizzaq delivery guy comes from!
Forget about world peace... visualize using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
i souport publik edekasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
Anything that can be bought for $19.99 can be left on the shelf.
What the aliens said to us on discovering Voyager: "Please stop dumping your garbage on us."
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
My dad's always right. And he's a pessimist.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock.
2+2=5 for extremely largbe values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
You are consistently inconsistent, except when it comes to failure.
HELP! The paranoids are after me!
How's my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT
When things go wrong, it helps to have a conspiracy theory.
Orders received and misunderstood.
I apologize for existing - it's the least I can do.
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you, dammit!
Life's a habit I'm in no mood to break.
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Did it ever occur to you health nuts that the extra years you're adding on are spent running and exercising?