Table of Contents
SPECK
OF SOMETHING EXPLODES, NEW CITY RESULTS!
"DEBRIS WAS FALLING EVERYWHERE, BUT YO, IT TURNED OUT PRETTY GOOD." SAYS ONE WITNESS!!
Scientists now trying to create the ultimate spacecraft with this method instead of with tornadoes due to lack of test pilots!!! - READ MORE!!!!!
MONKEY
TYPES 23RD PSALM!
CLAIMS HE WAS TRYING TO SQUISH SPIDER RUNNING AROUND ON KEYBOARD!!
Scientists knew it would eventually happen - but kick monkey out of university lab for illegal proselytizing!!! - READ MORE!!!!!
ELEPHANT
MAN CLAIMS HE'S NOT AN ANIMAL!
LABELED A RELIGIOUS ZEALOT IGNORANT OF BASIC SCIENCE!!
Insists that he is, "...(slurp) a human being (slurp)." - READ MORE!!!
MISSING
LINK DISCOVERED - YET AGAIN!
DISCOVERER WAS PART-TIME MAGICIAN WHO MADE HUMAN SKULLS (FOUND IN SAME GENERAL AREA) DISAPPEAR!!
This story should be sponsored by Starbucks, purveyor of the finest coffee in the world, but it's not!!!- READ MORE!!!!
MISSING
LINK DISC-
WAIT A MINUTE! THIS IS BIGFOOT!!
This was supposed to be used in next month's issue!!! - NEVER MIND!!!!
CONTROVERSY:
MILLION$ SPENT PEERING INTO SPACE LOOKING FOR PATTERNS
GENERATED BY INTELLIGENT DESIGNERS!
MANY CLAIM ANY PATTERNS FOUND RESEMBLING CODES CAN ONLY BE THE RESULT OF NATURAL CAUSES, NOT PURPOSEFULLY CREATED BY INTELLIGENT BEINGS!!
Others say that some people can't see the forest for the trees- READ MORE!!!
100
MILLION YEAR OLD HAMMER DISCOVERED!
ROCKS THE ESTABLISHED SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY!! COULD IT HAVE BEEN LEFT BY CRICK'S "RNA WORLD" ALIENS???
Might very well be used to nail the lid on the coffin of a dying theory - READ MORE!!!
MYSTERY:
WHO IS CAINE'S WIFE?
NOBODY KNOWS WHO SHE IS OR WHERE SHE CAME FROM!
Some speculate that she's a close relative of his!! Could it be a gross, disgusting, revolting, and socially unacceptable case of incest???- READ MORE!!!
MAN
PARTIALLY CHARGED WITH CANNIBALISM - FOR EATING A BANANA!
PROSECUTORS, WHO WILL SEEK HALF THE NORMAL SENTENCE AS PUNISHMENT FOR HUMAN FEASTING, SAY THEY HAVE ALL THE DNA EVIDENCE NEEDED FOR A CONVICTION!!!
Shocked neighbors say he was quiet and mostly kept to himself. "It's the worst case of bananamalism I ever seen," said one detective. "There were peels everywhere!!!" (Suspect is presumed to be only acting natural until proven guilty in the court of public opinion) - READ MORE!!!
COMIC
TELLS JOKE SO FUNNY THAT NOBODY LAUGHS!
"HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH GOD AND A ROCK, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT," SAY PATRONS WHO WANTED THEIR MONEY BACK!!
Apparant contradiction seems to disprove that comedy exists!!! Comic starts to question his own existence!!!!- REED MOORE!!!!!
MAN
LIVES WITH MONKEYS IN ZOO!
CLAIMS HE'S NOT HAPPY AND DOESN'T BELONG THERE, BUT HE'S JUST A LOWER-EVOLVED ANIMAL SO WHAT DOES HE KNOW ANYWAY?! BESIDES, HIGHER-EVOLVED PERSONS ENJOY LOOKING AT HIM AND IT BRINGS IN THE BUCKS!!
Update: Monkey-man blows his brains out!!! May or may not have been an accident - READ MORE!!!!!
Big Foot: Did he only have one big foot, or did he really have two?!
Pamela Anderson: Claims to be the purposeful product of not just one designer but several...
Graphic Design: Though sometimes graphic, is it really design???