Coming into my website, most people would hardly suspect the ugly truth of the matter. I have no education. "But you're a genius!" I here you cry. "You're a veritable Einstein! A brilliant leader for the new millenium! A role model for our children! A - "

Sorry, I guess that was just my earwax talking. But even so, there really doesn't seem to be much reason to believe that I am as uneducated as uneducated can be, now does there? I mean, don't I seem to be pretty good at throwing together a classic poem here and there? Doesn't my creative genius shine brilliantly through in my artwork and my literature like the sun above? Doesn't my huge ego bulge out of my writings section like an overripe melon?

Well, the answer to all of the above questions aside, the fact is that REGARDLESS of the answers, I am uneducated. You see, we as a culture have been misinterpreting what it means to be educated for many thousands of years. And it is THIS message that the modern American homeschooling laws are finally trying to convey to us.

What, then, is education really about? For years public school systems have been teaching us how to take a test. If they use an art-integrated curriculum, then it is about learning how to take a music test... while dancing. But surely this is not what education is really meant to be...! No, indeed it is not. Instead, it's all about... PORTFOLIOS.

What the heck does that mean, you ask? Or is that just my earwax speaking again...? Either way, I will tell you. It means that, simply enough, it doesn't really matter what we do during our school year as long as it will put another X on our school calendar. Because, as we all know, it's those 180 days that count. Forget about the rest of the year! Even if you're an idiotic slacker who doesn't do anything but make 180 X's on the calendar for the entire year, homeschooling assures that, after you get your highschool diploma, you will be educated. So take that, Advanced Placement! Who needs mind-stimulating, eye-opening, life-changing experiences!? 180 X's a year is where it's at!

But how, you might ask, do the superintendents know your X's are honest? How can they tell that YOU'RE telling the truth? Simple enough. They've got notaries! What is a notary, you might ask? Simply put, a notary is a place where you pay people to assume that you're telling the truth, and then put a stamp on a piece of paper saying as much. (How do the superintendents know the NOTARIES are telling the truth when they say that they assume that you're telling the truth? Um... well, I never said it was a perfect system...)

All right, so the notary assumes that you're telling the truth. This might seem like enough for the superintendent, but in reality it's not. Before the superintendent can successfully certify that you've got an education, you must pay someone else to decide what you're actually SAYING (people like knowing what someone's being truthful about...). This is the Evaluator, who pretends to glance over your works for the year and then writes a glowing report about you... for a price. Then, this report is handed over to the superintendent, who assumes that yes, the three of you are telling the truth. Surprisingly, you don't have to PAY the superintendent to assume this... I guess school tax must already cover that.

Do these things as I say them, and you'll surely emerge out of high school with an education. Wait a minute, why do I hear thousands upon thousands of people shaking their heads and screaming back at me, "You've completely missed the entire point of education, you stupid freak!"? I guess it must be my earwax talking again...