Two roads diverged in purple woods

I glanced down one, I glanced down both

One road led through nice neighborhoods

The other…

Had sides well-lined with angry hoods

Beating victims in the undergrowth.

I took the second path, that fateful day

I inwardly rejoiced, hooray!

For I would take the road less traveled by

And that would make all the difference.

Well, BEFORE I could even REACT, a

HORDE of VICIOUS ATTACK DOGS

Had LEAPT on me and was VICIOUSLY

ATTACKING ME like they’re supposed to.

Then, it was just a couple more INCHES

When a giant COW fell out of a tree and

Onto my HEAD which REALLY REALLY

HURT A WHOLE LOT. Then a FREIGHT

TRAIN came HURTLING DOWN THE PATH

And I ONLY BARELY was able to DODGE

OUT OF THE WAY JUST IN TIME though

Unfortunately it was right about then that

THE ENTIRE U.S. ARMY CAME OUT OF

THE BUSHES ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE

PATH AND STARTED SHOOTING LIVE

AMUNITION AT ME!!! *UHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

Anyway, by this time my official Tommy Hilfigir™ T-shirt

Was looking somewhat the worse for wear, so I

Made a quick stop in the friendly neighborhood

CLOTHING STORE. Well, the OWNER of the store

Seemed friendly enough (barring the DOUBLE MACHINE

GUNS GRAFTED into his SHOULDERS, he looked

To be quite a pleasant fellow). Anyway, I was about

To pay for my new pre-shredded PANTS ENSEAMBLE

When RALPH LAUREN ran SCREAMING into the room

And CUT OFF THE GUY’S FACIAL HAIR WITH A CHAINSAW

(Oh, well, he always said that he needed a haircut…)

Luckily, the guy didn’t seem to mind too much, so we

Just kinda stood around, talking about AL GORE’S

FAILED BID for the PRESIDENCY and why

PRESIDENT BUSH should be named the EMPORER

Of TEXAS once again until ANOTHER customer walked in.

He said his name was BILL GATES, and that he would

PAY US BOTH TEN BILLION DOLLARS APIECE

If we would tie his shoes. WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL…

WE REFUSED OUTRIGHT. I mean, COME ON,

How likely is it REALLY that some mega-rich CORPORATE

EMPORER is going to come into a DESIGNER CLOTHING

STORE wearing SHOES? I mean, SHOES of all things.

Shoes are for CHICKENS, other ASSORTED FLIGHTLESS

BIRDS, and their BRETHEN.

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESH.

Anyway, I left town THEN and THERE, continuing down

THE PATH that I CHOSE for MYSELF way back at

THE BEGINNING OF THIS NARRATION.

Well, it was not long before I came upon a group of

WALKING MUTANT HOUSEPLANTS from Mars.

Their leader, an OVERSIZED HIBISCUS with an

ATTITUDE came up to me and PUNCHED ME

SQUARE IN THE JAW. So I said, "Hey, there, sport,

How about those Penguins, huh?"

*GRIMACE AND INHALE THROUGH TEETH*

Things went downhill from there.

Well, a few hours and SEVERAL THOUSAND

SCREAMS later, I was FORCEFULLY EXPELLED

From their BRUTAL TORTURE METHODS

When a SUB-ATOMIC DEATHRAY came

HURTLING DOWN from the SKY ABOVE

And BLEW UP their minivan into TEN ZILLION

PIECES. Well, I was grateful that I had escaped

With my PANTS INTACT because one can’t always

Expect to escape with their PANTS INTACT

Now can they? But then, as if the LAW OF GRAVITY

Was OUT TO GET ME, the SPACE SHUTTLE crashed

Only a couple of feet away and I was caught in the blast.

(I didn’t mind TOO much, though, cause I got a cool

Sun tan and a new hairstyle to boot!)

Well, just about then a HUGE METEOR came HURTLING

DOWN from OUTER SPACE and PUT AN END to

President Bush’s TAX CUTS when EVERYTHING

EXPLODED and everybody DIED.

…Two roads diverged in the woods and I,

I took the road less traveled by

And that has made all the difference.