Humor Update

 


There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was St. Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven. You are also granted an open door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything else which you may desire?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which record the actual prophecies of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming memories over time." St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately, several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celebrate, not celibate!


36 Very Rude Things to Do

36. Sniffle incessantly

35. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more at any moment.

34. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

33. Honk and wave to strangers.

32. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

31. Pretend that your comp's mouse is a CB radio and talk into it.

30. Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.

29. Never break eye contact with someone far across a crowded room.

28 Speak only in a robot voice.

27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars. If they stop, ask for money. If they call the cops, run.

(courtesy of rudechick)

26. Jump into every photo possible.

25. Tie jingle bells to all your clothing.

24. Blow out the candles on other people's birthday cakes.

23. Don't sign greeting cards.

22. Develop at least three stragtegies for cutting to the front of lines.

21. Say the coffee is decaf, when it's really not.

20. Pay toll clerks in pennies.

19. Finish the "99 Bottles of Beer" song.

18. Get up early in the morning and steal your neighbor's paper.

17. Signal left, turn right.

16. When it says "Reserved Parking" it means you.

15. Touch strangers.

14. Eat out with a friend and "forget" your wallet.

13. Talk with your hand over your mouth.

12. Tell everyone they should be in therapy.

(courtesy of Mr. Tambourine Man)

11. Post twenty or more messages about your opinions on ska and sign your name "Marilyn Manson".

10. Send e-mail to a random screen name every day and pretend to be a "long lost friend".

9. Introduce yourself to numerous people in crowded places as their old high-school friend Cindy that moved to India before graduation.

8. Go into a public library and loudly call your dog, apologizing after each word.

7. Sit down in the middle of a concert and loudly applaud.

6. Hide behind everyone's tree in the neighborhood. If anyone questions you, say you are trying to hide from the little people.

5. Tell everyone they bear a striking resemblance to Oprah Winfrey.

4. Never make eye contact when you talk to someone, only look at the top of their forehead.

3. Whistle an Amy Grant song all the time.

2. Ring doorbells and leave notes at the doorstep saying "I was here" then run as fast as you can. (courtesy of Daff)

1. Post stuff like this.



50 Very Rude Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises whenever anybody gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to chow the contents of your kleenex to others.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!!!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave your legs.

8. Crack open your bag and, while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to antoher passenger and whisper, "Noogie patrol coming!!!"

13. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: flatulence!!!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped go "plink!" at the bottom.

16. bring your golf clubs and start practicing. DOn't forget to shout, "FORE!"

17. Do Tai Chi exercises.

18. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, then proudly announce, "I've got new socks on!"

19. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now...motion sickness!"

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter, "gotta go, gotta go!" then sigh and say, "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler "chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!!!" and huddle in the far corner of the elevator.

29. Burp and say "Mmm...tasty."

30. Leave a box between the doors.

31. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

32. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to others "through" it.

33. Start a sing-along.

34. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

35. Play the harmonica.

36. Shadow box.

37. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

38. Say, "I wonder what all these do..." and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethescope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

43. Take a bite of something and ask someone "Wamma see whuf im my mouf?"

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

46. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body".

47. Make explosion noises whenever someone presses a button.

48. Wear X-ray specs and leer suggestively at others.

49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger..."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and say, "Bad touch!"


Easter

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues,

"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.



Welcome to Hell


A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.

He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Uhh...no.
Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...


Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them.

So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-wordly powers like they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and parted the sea just like he had when he was much much younger.

Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still have the power?"

"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses.

So Jesus kicked off his sandals and stepped into the water.
He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea.
Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter.

"Must be those holes in your feet," Moses responded.


A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."



Reasons Why Sex is Better Than Church

You get better quality partners by being good at sex than by being good at religion.

Having sex doesn't make you feel guilty.

You don't have to get out of bed to have sex.

Sex is fun.

If someone is yelling at you during sex, you're probably doing it right.

The company is better.

You don't have unwanted observers judging your sincerity.

It is so interesting that you don't fall asleep until afterwards, or not at all.

Sex doesn't have so many rules.

Countries don't make war on each other for their sexual practices.

You don't have to take someone else's word on how to have sex.

The environment is more comfortable.

The memories have a higher rerun value.

You never have doubts that you're actually having sex. You'll never waste an afternoon arguing with someone over whether their sex life is better than yours.

You won't be ostracized for not having sex.

You don't have to worry about whether you've chosen the right kind of sex.

They don't pass around collection plates in bed.

You won't be eternally tortured in flames for not having sex, not having enough sex, or being bad at sex.

Singing is optional during sex.

You don't have to dress up for sex.

You can hope for a second coming without 2,000 years of effort.

In the throes of sexual passion, one can cry out, "Oh God! God!", but in a church service one can not cry out, "Oh Sex! Oh Sex!"



The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly."
The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. It read:

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T".

5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The Boys".

7. David slew Goliath. He did not "kick the shit out of him."

8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook".

9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry".

10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s. There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.


At a church one day, the nuns are lining up to go into confession.
The first one goes up to the priest and says: "Bless me father, for I have seen a man's penis"
The priest agrees that this is a sin, but tells her to splash her eyes with the holy water, and all will be forgiven.
The next nun comes up and says: "I have sinned as well father... I've touched a man's penis" The priest says that this too can be forgiven, and that she should wash her hands with the holy water.
The priest then looks over at the next two nuns in line, and sees them fighting to see who will go next.
He gets up and asks them why they are fighting. The fourth nun replies. "Well, there's no way that I'm drinking that holy water after she sat in it"

 
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