Scene I: 	Schwarzenegger is in bed sleeping. Suddenly a huge gust of wind blows furiusly through his enourmous bedroom, ripping the sheets off his bed, uncovering his naked body. Blown off the bed, he clings to the bed frrame. He reaches out to the fan making the wind, trying to switch it off.

Arnold:	Agh ahh!

[Enter Mrs. Schwarzenegger who turns the fan off.]

Arnold:	Agh! You blew my cover!

Mrs S:	I had to! They're all connected!

Arnold:	You should warn me next time! Anyway, I'm glad you woke me. I was planning to go and see my brother Vincent today.

Mrs. S:	You can't go see Vincent! Don't you remember? Those kids won a competition to have you at their birthday party. You have to be at that party today!

Schwarz:	Oh no! This can't be happening! This should be all a dream.

Scene II:	The living room. Many children sit around. Mother and Father stand in the doorway.

Mother:	I just can't believe it. Arnold Brownschweiger coming to your birthday.

[Children cheer]

Philip:	Schwarzenegger, mum, not Brownschweiger.

Philip:	It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

[A knock at the door. All the children gasp, jump out of their seats, and rush to the door. Mother gracefully opens the door. All the children cheer as Arnold Schwarzenegger steps through the door.]

Mother:	Hello Mr. Brownschweiger.

Arnold:	Hello Missus Hamilton. I'm so happy to be here. I flew all the way from Los Angeles to come to Philip's party, and I'm so excited. (Turning to Philip, and presenting him with a parcel) And this is for the birthday boy.

[Philip eagerly unwraps his present]

Philip:	A Prince Tennis Raquet! Unreal!

Arnold:	I thought that you might like this. In your letter you told me you play tennis.

Philip:	Thanks Arnold.

Arnold:	So please introduce me to your friends.

Philip:	(Pointing to each one in turn, and each one responding.) Well, this is Sarah, and Cohagen, Melina, Quaid, and Quatto, Fiona and Chrissy; they're sisters.

Arnold:	You're sisters!?

Philip:	And that's my brother Julian.

Arnold:	You  called your brother Julius?

Philip:	No, Julian.

[The group move back into the living room]

Philip:	Okay, we're all going to play Greed. (To Arnold) Do you know how to play?

Arnold:	I'm sure I can pick it up.

Philip:	Okay. You throw the dice like this, and you take the ones you need.

[Schwarzenegger does this]

Children:	Noooo!

Arnold:	What did I do wrong!?

Philip:	You can't take that many.

[The game continues with Schwarzenegger slowly learning how to play. Improvisation required]

Arnold:	This is very nice game, but excuse me please, I have to go to the bathroom.

[As he enters the door, without looking back...]

Arnold:	I'll be back.

Scene IV:	Arnold sitting on the toilet.

Arnold:	(Singing quietly) If you don't scrub the kitchen floor; You aint going to rock and roll no moore. Yaketty Yak, don't talk back.

	SFX:	Fart

Arnold:	Oh my goodness.

[Reaching for the toilet paper, he wipes his arse, and gets up.]

Arnold:	(Flushing) Shit! Shit! My steamer won't go down! (Flushing furiously)

[Finally the giant turd is gone, and Arnold breathes a sigh of relief. He sniffs the air, and motions a bad smell with his hand]

Arnold:	I need a match.

[Poking his head out the door. Melina is walking past with a box of matches.]

Arnold:	Melina. Can I have your matches, please.

Melina:	I need them to light the candles.

Arnold:	Please, I'll give them back to you.

Melina:	I wanna light the cake.

Arnold:	Exceuse me, ma'am, but I need it! (Snatching it from her)

[He lights a match, and takes a pleasent breath of the air.]

Arnold:	So what are we playing now?

Cohagen:	Quick, hide. It's hide and seek.

[Arnold hides under the bed covers in an adjacent room. Time passes.]

Cohagen:	(Creeping into the room) Hellooo. Is anybody in here? (Seeing the lump under the covers, he pulls the covers off the bed to reveal Arnold.)

Arnold:	You move too soon! I guess you got me.

Vincent:	You and me have to find everyone else now. Quaid has also been found.

[Arnold walks down the hall, and bumps into Quaid]

Arnold:	I'm looking for Melina.

Quaid:	I'm looking for Quatto.

Arnold:	Quatto? I'm sure you will find him in the living room.

Quaid:	Really?

Arnold:	Trust me.

[Mother enters.]

Mother:	Everbody, it's time for cake and cookies.

Arnold:	Cookies? You baked cookies?

Scene V:	The group is sitting at the table. All kinds of food surround them.

Mother:	Arnold? Would you like some cake?

Arnold:	Mmmm. Yes please.

[She hands it to him.]

Arnold:	Mmm. Through the lips, over the gums, look out tummy, here it comes!

[Enter Paul, the next door neighbour.]

Paul:	Hi everyone.

Everyone:	Hi Paul.

Paul:	Is that Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Arnold:	(Reaching out to shake hands.) So pleased to meet you.

Paul:	Hi. Well, anyway, I didn't want to stop by long. I was just wondering where I 		could get some good radiata pine?

Arnold:	Get your ass to Bunnings.

Paul:	Hm?

Arnold:	Get your ass to Bunnings.

[ Arnold turns to a little fat girl ]

Arnold:	So, how long have you known Philip?

Fat girl.	Two weeks. [She twitches] Two weeks!

[ Arnold turns to Philip ]

Arnold:	What's wrong with her?

Philip:	She recently suffered a schizoid embellism.

[Mum enters.]

Mother:	Okay, I'm going to go and get ice creams. What kind to you want?

Cohagen:	Gravedigger please!

Quatto:	A split, thanks!

Arnold:	Do you have "Freeze" in Australia?

Mother:	I'll check.

Arnold:	Mmm! A Freeze is coming!

[The rest of the children all decide to have a freeze, if there is such a thing.]

Scene V:	Arnold enters the bedroom, where the group is playing computer games.

Cohagen:	I could go for the five million, but if I don't get it, it'll be out.

Arnold:	Go on, Do it! Do it!

Cohagen:	But it'll go out.

Arnold:	No it won't. Trust me. Remember the third rule.

Cohagen:	The third rule?

Arnold:	Yeah. The third rule.

Cohagen:	Oh yeah! (Tries it) Oh shit! I told you it wouldn't make it.

Arnold:	Bullshit! It's all bullshit! It should have worked.

[ Chrissie Pavlakas, a girl with an unsightly mole in her left cheek enters the room, and walks up to Arnold ]

Chrissie:	Read your palm?

Arnold:	Sorry, I don't believe in these sort of things.

Chrissie:	Can I give you a nipple cripple?

Arnold:	Get out.

[ Chrissie turns to leave, but before she does, she pulls on Arnold's nipple ]

Arnold:	Clever girl.

Fiona:	I need some ice for my drink! Can someone go get some?

Arnold:	You are not sending me to the cooler!

[ Enter father ]

Father:	So, how much money do you make Arnold?

Arnold:	Half a million dollars an hour.

Father:	Oh yeah? I make fifty dollars an hour.

Arnold:	That's quite a bit.

Father:	I got five kids to feed.

Arnold:	I thought you only had three.

Father:	Oh yeah.

Scene VI: Arnold is walking around the house. He is trying to find the telephone, but walks into the wrong room. Instead he find a baby. He sniffs the baby's nappy.

Arnold: Phew! Stinks! [Arnold tries to change the baby's nappy. The baby pees on Arnold's shirt] You! You! Now I'm really pissed off! You know something little boy - You're one ugly motherfucker!   

[Storming out of the room]

Arnold: 	Hasta la vista, baby!

[Arnold runs into Cohagen]

Cohagen:	Hey, what's that on you're shirt?

Arnold:	There's a baby boy in there. I went to change his nappy and he wizzed on me!

Cohagen:	Well, boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.

Arnold: 	Thanks for the tip.

Cohagen:	If it was a girl, it wouldn't have got ya!

Scene VI: In the living room watching a video.

Arnold:	I like your television! It's very good reception.

Julian:	It's a cyberdyne systems model 901.

Arnold:	You know I love this movie! You know who made this movie? Ivan Reitman, who is genius!

Arnold: 	I still can't believe that baby. He was born to be bad!

Sarah:	Forget about it.

Arnold:	Are you Sarah Connor?

Sarah: 	Yeah, why?

Arnold:	Just wondering.

Scene VII:	Arnold is leaving.

[ Everybody is yelling and screaming, ranting and raving.]

Arnold:	Shut up! (They do so) I would like to thank you all for having me. It is time for 
		me to go.

[Arnold steps into a limousine and turns to his wife.]

Mrs. S:	So, how were they?

Arnold:	They're horrible!