"It’s as if I’m standing here, swaying back and forth to a familiar voice whose face I’ve never seen, and I think if I really looked around, and saw myself where I really am, I’d just be standing here, alone, taking everyone in. Seeing all of them and trying to know what they’re thinking and just loving them, being with them. And I wouldn’t be dancing with him to this song."

Truthfully, she was rather indifferent towards Tim - and that was everything that was wrong. Everything that she cared about at that moment was being there, just being there. She wanted Tim and his placating uncertainty to disappear. Yes, she liked dancing alone. Though she was with him, it was only a facade, a tool so that she could be a fly on the wall and a social butterfly at the same time that night.

When a fast song played she danced as she had danced many times before - in front of her family or her mirror. The dancing helped her to forget about everything normal and tedious . . . all of the worn-out wishes, unanswered questions, and unfinished work. The worst part was that none of it was all that bad, the things she was trying to forget. All the same, she danced and felt happy, though she couldn’t tell for sure whether it was true happiness, or just the adrenaline coursing through her veins to keep her exhausted body from falling asleep. She let herself become lost in the music and in the crowd.

When the slow songs began to play, she complacently, almost resignedly, draped her slender arms across his shoulders. Within ten seconds, she became lost in the world of her thoughts. She inadvertently escaped his advances, keeping a constant distance between his cheeks and hers. At times she was close to tears, knowing that graduation would be welcomed all too soon, and later she would stifle laughter thinking of how seriously she had been taking herself or of a past dance with a past friend. Either way, it didn’t matter, because Tim couldn’t see her striking face contort as he held her close. And she knew he wouldn’t come close to understanding how she felt.

"He thinks I’m dancing with him," she thought "I’m just dancing, though. Dancing because that’s what we’re all doing and it’s something we can do together.

She wished that Tim would go away, just to let her savor this moment. "Tim, stand still," she whispered. But his steady sway never stopped. He hadn’t heard, and if he had, he didn’t care.

Standing there, she began to feel quite miniscule and to wonder at how huge the world was - how odd it was that everthing worked together and made some sort of sense. Her mind ‘zoomed out,’ in effect, and everything was in a larger perspective. Again, she began to feel alone and unstable, as if the entire world might crumble on top of itself, and she’d be standing there, alone, wondering what had happened.

Tim moved closer and she tried to back away nonchalantly, but couldn’t. He didn’t understand. She felt so small, and he wasn’t welcome anymore. Again, Tim moved closer, only centimeters, but she was so uncomfortable that centimeters might as well have been miles. Suddenly, she shoved him away and walked towards the door. Opening it, she stepped into the still night air and took a deep breath. Just as she began to walk away, towards home, Tim caught her arm and asked "Where do you think you’re going to go?"

She kept walking, but he followed her at an arms length. She walked for what seemed like a lifetime, and he never went away.
ismene 5/97