FAMILY HISTORY - FAMILY STORIES


Family history - Family stories in Islam - this is a topic that tempts me to say everything or nothing. While preparing this lecture, thousands of things came to my mind which could easily fill several volumes. But then there was the terrible excercise of disciplin to cut it down to ca. 3000 words.

In an information leaflet of the Islamic Centre Hamburg we read,

A healthy society is first of all sustained by healthy families, and exactly for that reason family, in an Islamic system, enjoys a special protection.
The ideal image of marriage in Islam is not a selfish side-by-side of both partners but a complementary partnership with and for each other. That is why tasks should be shared in a meaningful way thus to make a partnerly cooperation possible. Each should leave enough free space for the other to develop his/her ideal. There is no rigid role system in the Qur'an; however it is clearly indicated that it is the most valuable task of a mother to continue to care for her children after their birth. Because of her physical relationship she has the most intimate link to the growing life from the very beginning, and during the first years of life she is the closest relative for the tiny being that depends on her protection. Especially in this situation it is important for the father to take over the role of the provider and protector so that a carefree childhood is guaranteed for the child.

In contrast to this, when I consider the family stories I encounter in my everyday life, I sometimes cannot help thinking, that quite typically this leaflet was originally printed on pink paper (later on, for financial reasons, on white paper but with pink ink). I work with German-speaking Muslims originating from at least three continents who speak, besides German, the most diverse languages, are influenced by very different cultures and religious schools of thought and who are growing into a community.

In this context, you find utterly different family structures, all shades between Near-Eastern patriachal systems and some cases of inofficial polygamy on one side and matriarchal South-Indian families, between clans conscious of their traditions, single-parent and patchwork families and searching or convinced singles.

I have accompanied many of these families for many years, some of them now even in the third generation, and I have lived to see many changes. There were births and deaths, quarrels and reconciliation, marriages and divorces. There were also some changes in structures, very often a separation into smaller units but also occasionaly the development of a new extended family, or cases like that of the young Indonesian man from a matriarchal tradition who, in his own nuclear family, developed into a real patriarch, or also - in immigrant families - the tension between assimilation into the local culture and concious differentiation from it. Especially in those later cases I see very often that parts of the same clan live in different countries, e.g. in their original home country, here, and in America, somehow trying not to lose touch with each other.

In our more immediate circle in Hamburg, the bi-cultural family has nearly become the norm. There are numerous marriages with people from various countries and German partners, but also e.g. a family where the father is from Turkey and the mother from portugal, or the father is from Iran and the mother from Pakistan, or the wife is from Turkey and the husband from Palestine. We actually have a saying, "What, there is only one nationality within your family? But how does this work, then??!" But in fact this means that ever new bridges are to be built between languages, cultures, temperaments, views, sometimes even religions, but also personally between men and women, between parents and children. Bridge-building is part of my job.

My own family is no exception there. Of my two brothers, the youngest lives in Denmark with his Somalian wife, the other lives in the Netherlands with his family. My husband is originally from Pakistan, more precisely from British-India, for Pakistan is a couple of years younger than him, and in the meantime he has acquired Danish nationality. If I had children, I would consider to live with my in-laws in Pakistan at least during the first years because the dynamics and shared work in our extended family would be most suitable for me to reconcile my ideas of education with meaningful activities outside the family. One of my husband's brothers lives in the USA with his American wife, and after a recent visit there my mother-in-law complained that she could hardly communicate with her grandchildren because they speak nothing but English. Another brother of his is, at present, working in Saudi-Arabia after different jobs in various Gulf emirates and a vain attempt to emigrate to Australia. Another brother who intil the Gulf war had lived in Saudi-Arabia with his wife and children is now about to emigrate to Canada, but looking at it more carefully he has become sceptical because over there children seem to lose all respect for their parents. And so on. Even when we sometimes do not have a chance to meet for several years, we stay in touch and share experiences, in emergencies by phone and increasingly through the internet. If I were to find a symbol for my family, the first thing that comes to my mind is a world map.

Is there than such a thing as the Islamic family? And what would it be like? A father with a good income if possible, a mother with a suitable warmth of heart, and a couple of children, if possible a house in the suburbs where the children can play outside without danger? Pink?

Muslims usually look for orientation in their sources, the Qur'an and the Sunna (life practice of the Prophet Muhammad (s)). Therefore I have looked for family stories there, but I would like to remind of the fact that the Qur'an in most cases only refers to stories that are supposed to be known, either from the Bible or from various traditions, and that are sometimes viewed in a new perspective. It is nit the intention of the Qur'an to write history but to illustrate ethical teachings.

Thus, when reading the story of the "two sons of Adam" in Surah 5:28-33, we easily recognize the familiar Biblical story of Cain and Abel (arab. Qabil and Habil). With the remark, "OK, I know!", we could easily scan it and forget it, were it not, in the otherwise very summarized story, for the discussion between the two brothers that is not mentioned in the Bible but explains more about the relationship between the perpetrator and the victim, for Cains wrath is only increased by Abel's self-satisfied, even moralizing attitude. All this is seen in the context of the value of human life, for "... if someone kills a human being ... it is like he had killed all humankind, and if someone saves a human being's life, it is like he had saved the life of all humankind ..."

The story of Noah is, from the Qur'anic point of view, not really a family story because not only he and his family are saved from the flood but also all those who had listened to his prophetic warning. The incident where it does touch the topic of family is a conflict with one of his sons (Surah 11:42-47) who refuses to come along into the ark, relying on his own strategies instead. The answer to Noah's question why God did not save him, the promise referring to all of his family, is, "He does not belong to your family." In connection with another passage (Surah 66:10) where Noah's wife is mentioned as an "example for those who are ungrateful", some commentators construct an explanation according to which that son is the result of a lapse, thus, biologically, not being Noah's son. But this can neither be reconciled with the statement that believing people were saved who were not members of the famlily nor with the doctrine that physical descendants, in God's eyes, cannot claim privileges because of the merits of their ancestors, and that descendants cannot be held responsible for their ancestors' crimes. Each individual is responsible for him/herself.

This doctrine takes a central place in the Qur'an and is further illustrated in the story of the conflict between Abraham and his father. Abraham, the Hanif who is critical agains traditional beliefs and embarks upon a spiritual search until he discovers the One behind all phenomena (Surah 6:74-79). Then he confronts his polytheist father until he threatens him and tells him to leave (Surah 19:41-48). Abraham sets off but not without wishing his father peace and praying for him. His life continues to be changes, search and trial.

>From the many stories connected with Abraham and his family, the Qur'an mentiones the annunciation of Isaak' birth with Sarah laughing (Surah 11:69-73), and every now and then Isaak and Jacob are mentioned as prophetic figures, but the story is not continued even though the Arabs who have always been interested in genealogical questions did now quite a number of relevant traditions. But the story of the other branch of the family is not continued either eben though it is of central importance for Islamic practice. Indeed, the pilgrimage rites in Mecca refer to the story of Abraham and his family, that is Hagar and Ismail. Whether it was jealousy between the two wives or an incident during a journey or a vision, in any case Abraham left Hagar and baby Ismail in a barren valley and went to search for water. When severe thirst threatened the child, the mother ran between two hills to look for signs of water or help until finally the baby, by kicking his legs, opened a well an water gushed forth. At each pilgrimage to Mecca this "running between Safa and Marwa" is remembered, all pilgrims, even the men, identifying with Hagar and runnig between the hills seven times. According to Arab tradition, Abraham then settled that part of his family in Mecca. Later on, he and Ismail built the Ka'ba as the first house of worship dedicated to the One, and together they prayed for the future wellbeing of their descendants and humankind. (Surah 2:126-129)

There is, however, a more detailed account of another incident where Abraham, prompted by a dream, tries to sacrifice his son who, in the very last minute, is replaced by a ram (Surah 37:101-111). This story is the background for the Festival of Sacrifice, one of the two main festivals where a Muslim who can afford it has a sheep slaughtered and divides the meat among the poor, the neighbours and the familiy members. "Sacrifice" here has taken the meaning of giving up something in order to share it with others. It is remarkable that the name of the son concerned who is identified as Isaak in the Bible but with Ismail in Arab tradition is not mentioned in the Qur'an at all. The question of the identity of the son is certainly not the issue of the Qur'an, and the children of Isaak and Ismail should not make it a matter of quarrel between them. Rather, the issue is the basic human experience linked with sacrifice, readiness to give up and let go, self-sacrifice etc. which consequently is the topic in most of the sermons on the festival day.

The only story that is retold in the Qur'an in detail is the story of Joseph and his brothers (Surah 12:4-101), the classical story of disunity amongst brothers because of envy and jealousy which is then remedied with patience and wisdom. But even here we find approaches that points beyond the original family story to basic human experiences. Thus, in mysticism, the only active woman in the story, traditionally known as Sulaikha who wants to seduce Joseph, is the main figure in the dramas dealing with the immature soul in search of the transcendental Beloved, having to cross several stages of development until she is worthy of Him. In a similar manner, Joseph's brothers are identified with various aspects of the ego that try to oppress or banish the true self until, after along and painful processes of development, they all can be integrated.

As yet, there always seem to be male figures in the foreground. But this is conspiciously differentnin the story of Moses' childhood (Surah 20:37-40 and 28:4-13). First of all we are told that the mother receives the divine inspiration to expose her child on the river. This is shocking enough for those readers who take divine inspiration to be an exclusive privilege for male prophets. Then there is Miriam who has an eye on the process and reunites mother and child in a decisive moment. There is no father-figure at all. The more important is Pharao's wife (according to the Bible: Pharao's daughter, but this need not be a contradiction), traditionally called Asiya. She has her way with her tyrannical husband to keep the child and bring him up, and there is plenty of space to imagine what happened between this dispute outlined in Surah 28:4-13 and her prayer in Surah 66:11 where she is introduced as an "example for all those who have faith":

My sustainer, build a house for me in the garden in Your Presence and liberate me from Pharao and his machinations and liberate me from the unjust people.

The commentaries give two versions of the story. One is that her behaviour was discovered to be treason and she had to suffer accordingly. The other resemles the version given in the film "The Ten Commandments" where she joins the Children of Israel when they emigrate from Egypt. Whatever the case may be, her prayer for liberation from her husband is food for thought that contradicts many a familiar stereotype.

A father-figure is also missing in the story of Hannah, Mary and Jesus. Hannah dedicates her unborn child to God for the service in the Temple but finds, at birth, that it is a girl (Surah 3:35-43). Stress is laid on the fact that, contrary to social role expectations, God does accept Mary and showers her with spiritual gifts. Considering the birth of Jesus whom she brings up without a father to the obvious dismay of her relatives (Surah 3:45-50 and 19:16-34), her path becomes oven more unusual. She is another woman who is introduced as an "example for those who have faith (Surah 66:12), and throughout the Qur'an, Jesus is epitomized "the Son of Mary", another emphasis on the close link, not only biologically, for in Arabic, "mother" is not only the woman who gives birth to children but the teacher, role model and foundation. In this sense, the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (s) are called the "Mothers of the Faithful" and were in fact the spiritual foundation of the early community.

Thus, all family stories in the Qur'an are full of conflicts and unexpected events and developments. The only family that comes somewhat close to the pink image of a functioning father-mother-child family is the family of Zakhary of whom we read in Surah 21:89-90, "... then We answered him and granted him John and healed his wife for him. They (all) used to compete in good actions and called upon Us in fear and hope and were mindful of Our Presence." However, the pink is soon washed out when we remember that the background was oppression by the roman colonial power and the struggle for religious identity.

So my search for a special family structure, as longed for by many modern Muslims in face of the progressing decay of the family, both in the Qur'an and, by the way, in the biographies of the Prophet Muhammad (s) and his companions, remained fruitless. A main topic is rather individual responsibility and personal ethics without which neither family nor society can function whatever the structure may be.

Where practice is concerned, we must differentiate, both in the Qur'an and in the Sunna, between general principles and rules for special cases, whereby the latter are to be seen in the light of the former and each within their own context - both within the context of the Prophet's time and the cultural context in which different developments have taken place in the meantime. Thus, in a traditional society with fixed role expectations, a marriage contract seems useless while it is very important in a time of many changes, even if the only purpose might be to make the young couple think about their future. The possibility for polygamy that is given in the Qur'an to secure justice for children who have lost their fathers (e.g. in a war) (Surah 4:3) is, in a balanced society with a more or less equal number of men and women, absurd and even harmful. Many of the prevalent ideas about the "protection of woman" (girls should not move outside the family for a long time, a certain distibution of roles within the family etc.) are based on understandable experiences of each group or tribe in history (war, conquest, slavery, kidnapping of women) rather than the Islamic sources. And so on.

The following are a few examples for general statements of the Qur'an on family.

You human beings, be mindful before your sustainer who created you from one single soul; from this He created its mate, and from both He made many men and women come forth. Be mindful of God, in whose name you ask each other, and (especially) concerning kinship. God is well aware of you. (Surah 4:1)

Your Sustainer prescribes: Do not worship anyone except Him, and show kindness to (your) parents. If one of them or both lives to see old age with you, do not say, "Fie!", and do not repel them, but talk to them in respectful words. And, out of mercy, lower the wing of humility towards them and say (in prayer), "My Sustainer, show them emercy, just as they educated me when I was young." Your Sustainer does know what is within yourselves. If you your attitude is right, God is ready to forgive those who turn to him. Give to your relatives what is their right, and similarly to the poor and the stranger, but do not waste. (Surah 17:23-26)

This is by far not the only passage that deals with the complicated act of balance between selfish narrowmindedness and too generous openness. Mindfulness (taqwa) is one of the personal attitudes that make family life and society work. Within a stable family system, a child, in fact, does not only learn basic trust but also a great deal fitness to deal with conflict, tolerance, and humour. But again and again we are called to reflect:

And among (God's) signs is this that He created mates for you from yourselves so that you may find peace with them, and He has put love and mercy between you. In this there are signs for people who reflect. And among His signs there is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the varieties in your languages and colours. In this there are signs for those who know. (Surah 30:21-22)

It is no coincidence that we often choose this text for a sermon at a wedding ceremony, especially when the partners come from different cultures or even religions and when quite different ideas of marriage and family are implied, for it indicates how variety can interact organically to be a sign for the One Origin of all things.

And finally the term "family" in Islam is not restricted to physical kinship. Normally we call each other "Brother" and "Sister" in everyday life. Humankind is understood as one family transcending nations and generations. And the term "ummah" for the community of faithful people literally means, in fact, a generation of siblings from the same mother. This is not romantic at all, and the Qur'an quite realistically says,

The faithful are brothers and sisters. Therefore make peace between your brothers and sisters and be mindful before God so that you may attain mercy. (Surah 49:10)

It would be a good idea for family ideaologists to remember that family is not made but grows out of the powers of attraction and repulsion inherent in life itself. We can neither determine nor control this growth. At most we can consciously contribute to it, and this demands patience and wisdom.

And if I were to find a colour that would be suitable for "family", it would certainly not be pink. I cannot see an either-or anyway. Family can only be of many colours.


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