Unforgiveness as a way of life-

possible underlying motivations

Reading back in my journal, I ran across something I wrote shortly before I met with Mrs. C the first time to discuss forgiveness. I invite you to read it and ponder, keeping in mind that it is something I wrote to myself, for myself. I have reproduced it here just as it appears in my journal, only the grammatical and spelling errors have been corrected:

Feb. 19th

Something I haven't put down yet --- why have I never forgiven? What were the benefits of unforgiveness to me? What did I get out of it?

Unforgiveness is very motivating. It is full of power and has helped me to be powerful, more powerful than the people around me. It gives you purpose, reason and 'rightness' - justification. It tells you what to do, why you're doing it, and gives you the energy and strength to keep going.

                       
                    -------------------------
                    \    self-"rightness"   /
                      \                   /
                        \     anger     /
 Unforgiveness:           \           /
                            \  fear /
                              \   /
                                -

The deepest root and primary motivating factor is fear: of being hurt again, emotionally or physically; of not being protected and taken care of by those you should be able to trust to do so - those whose sworn and solemn duty it is to do so; fear of not being provided for, whether comfort, love, acceptance, food or shelter. It is an unmet need.

With it comes anger. Being protected and cared for was a need that went unmet, producing anger. Also possibly a separation or failure to fully bond/trust in the closest relationships. Anger is the force, the steam, the engine of unforgiveness.

Self-"rightness" is the license to operate it. It is the concept that whatever is being done is necessary; justification and permission. This is also where unforgiveness is given voice, verbal clothing - where it takes on shape and form:
You give it the floor and it whips out Black's Law Dictionary and wins the debate, verbally crushing the opposition, leaving them slack-jawed in wonder, humble and humiliated in the knowledge of their wrongdoing. At the very least at a disadvantage.
Or, you toss it a sword and with an animal howl of bloodthirsty rage, it leaps across the floor closing the gap, and locking eyes with the defenseless foe, it attacks, dismembering the convicted wrong-doer with boundless energy, tireless slashes and thrusts, little thought of form or propriety - only the adrenalin rush, the absolute high of finally being able to let it all loose. "Take that you lazy, selfish, stupid, abusive ________!"

Why is this so sinful? As a small and vulnerable child, hurt and unprotected, aren't unforgiveness, wariness, self-protection and walls all necessary and even right?
Yes, it is valid in a small child. It is valid in someone with no knowledge of God. Not the secularly healthiest choice, but without God- what does it matter?
The sin comes, the sin is confirmed when a person meets God, understands and accepts the full gift of salvation and relationship - and yet at some point cognitively rejects the care and protection of God, whatever that means for them, in favor of protecting themselves.
It is in effect saying to God "I know what your word says about your constant care for me, and the existence of your plan for my life and my good, but I don't trust you to protect me from harm, from pain. Not only that, but if pain or personal sacrifice is part of your plan for me, part of being a vessel for you, I reject it because I am too afraid of being hurt. I choose to reject your offer to care for me as a loving Father, and I will protect and care for myself. I choose my will for my life, over your will and plans, because I don't fully trust you to be purely disposed to my good.

More to come. (Be patient, Leonard!)

© 1997 alder_latitude57@yahoo.com

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