Utopia

I want to move.

I want to move to a place where the temperature is never above 85 degrees and never below 55 degrees. The rain should generally come during the day, when I'm asleep, and the wind should never blow so fast that I can't light a cigarette outside.

This place must be gay friendly and preferable permit gay marriages, although the later is not written in stone.

In this place I should be able to easily find a job as a cashier, bartender, or stocker. With any of the before mentioned jobs I should be able to afford to comfortably live in a one or two bedroom apartment, pay my utility bills, feed myself, and have at least $500 a month left over to spend as I choose. I should also have vision and healthcare plans included, whether I’m employed full-time or part-time.

In this place administrative assistants will be called secretaries, the physically challenged will be called either disabled or cripples (preferably cripples), and associates will be called employees because we all know that that’s what these terms really mean. Besides, in this place they consider PC the be the talk of wimps and assholes.

In this place I will not pay more than $1.50 for a pack of Camels and all public buildings must have at least one smoking section on each floor (because we all know how bitchy smokers get when we’re in court/ an airport/ McDonalds). There will also be a strict law imposing a $150 fine to anyone that tells a smoker that it’s bad for their health every time they light up.

Speaking of fines, the following offenses should also be punishable with appropriate fines:
-asking someone you don’t know for a cigarette
-dating someone till they give you sex and dumping them

All laws in this place will be made for the maximum benefit of those in the who work in the service industry and for the minimum benefit of the politicians and the rich.

In this place I will be able to go to my favorite bar to get a drink at any time of the day or night that I choose. At the same time I won’t have to worry about getting hit by a drunk driver.

All drugs will be legal in this place because I know that those that use them are stupid and will kill themselves in a month or two if given free access to the drug of their choice.

In this place I won’t have to worry about catching AIDS because everyone will be required to submit to a monthly HIV test. Those that test positive will immediately be retested to rule out a false positive. If the second test is also positive they will immediately be shot and cremated. I know it’s harsh but it’s the only way we’ll beat it.

If anyone knows of a place that meets at least 85% of the above prerequisites. Please let me know so I can pack my bags and flip the bird to this dump of a city on my way out.