In November, Nevada voters will get a chance to make history by taking the first step toward legalizing marijuana. Question 9, if passed by voters this year and in 2004, would legalize the possession by adults of up to three ounces of marijuana.
Of course, many voters have questions about this controversial ballot initiative. The Daily Sparks Tribune Humor Column Department (DSTHCD) has been asked to address some of the frequently asked questions about Question 9, because management of This Fine Newspaper assumed that the DSTHCD must be on something in order to come up with some of these columns. Actually, the DSTHCD has never tried the stuff, but as a public service, we agreed to address these questions anyway.
Q: Who is responsible for getting Question 9 on the ballot?
A: A Washington, D.C.-based group, the Marijuana Policy Project, is largely responsible. The group sent a campaigner named Billy Rogers to Nevada, and he coordinated a successful signature-gathering effort, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to get 74,000 valid John Hancocks. Also supporting the project: A bevy of munchie-producing companies, including the makers of Cheetos, Fritos, Oreos, soda and pretzels.
Q: The group that the MPP and Billy Rogers formed is called "Nevadans for Responsible Law Enforcement." What in the hell?
A: We hear you, bro and/or sis. We almost shot Snapple out our nose when we first heard that one. Our guess was that someone wrote down the name on some paperwork as a joke, and that the paperwork with the prank name was accidentally filed with the secretary of state's office.
Q: Why has Washoe County District Attorney Richard Gammick been running around like a cretin, blaming marijuana for everything from hemorrhoids to boy bands? Doesn't he have anything better to do?
A: We have a lot of theories about why Gammick is being such a dweeb about this, but we will refrain from expanding on those theories in print, because he's going to be in office for another four years and we don't want our vehicles being impounded.
Q: Why the heck do they call them "bongs"?
A: Because when stoned, "bong" is a hilarious word. Of course, so is Gammick.
Q: My neighbor has a dog named Snerk that likes to stick his nose vigorously into my crotch. While this was at first annoying, I am actually starting to like it. What should I do?
A: Call Bob Barker at "The Price is Right" headquarters and ask if he can arrange for both you and Snerk to be neutered.
Q: How many joints can be made from three ounces of pot?
A: Depending on how big the doobies are, anywhere from 60-120 joints. This would be a 1-3 month supply for the average stoner. It's enough pot to keep Richard Gammick from being uptight for approximately 17 minutes.
Q: The polls show that the voters will probably reject Question 9, even though Nevada has a reputation for being libertarian. How is this the case?
A: "Conservatives" like Richard Gammick are becoming more numerous in this state, bringing with them an ideology of less government -- that is, unless these modern-day conservatives think something is immoral, in which case they support government intervention. This is because these modern-day conservatives have the intelligence of grapefruit. True conservatives think these modern-day conservatives are cretins.
Q: Why do people park in driveways and drive in parkways?
A: This is just the kind of stupid question that stoners ask, giving marijuana a bad reputation. Good gracious, man. Eat some Ho Hos and shut the hell up.
Q: Would the passage of Question 9 mean a resurgence in the popularity of Cheech & Chong movies?
A: Good lord we hope not. These questions about marijuana are starting to make us think that Richard Gammick may just have a point.
Now, if you'll excuse us, the DSTHCD needs to go. We need to go check whether our vehicles have been impounded yet.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who did not inhale, and who also did not have sexual relations with that woman. Jimmy's columns appear here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.