April 1, 2003
Unless you've been hiding under a rock lately -- in which case, dude, take a shower -- you know that the Nevada Legislature is pondering a number of tax proposals to dig the state out of its financial hole, which is currently about as deep as Lake Tahoe and about as wide as Luciano Pavarotti's underpants.
Translation: It's a big mother.
The fact that the Legislature is responsible for fixing this mess should scare the bejeezus out of you. After all, many of the 63 senators and assemblypeoples currently occupying Carson City were also around in 2001, when the Legislature -- acting as if it were high on vanilla extract fumes -- had ONE big thing the state Constitution said it HAD to do in 2001: reapportion itself based on the results of the 2000 Census.
Of course, the Legislature ran out of time before it finished reapportionment, meaning that what it came up with in the resulting special session is technically unconstitutional.
And now these chuckleheads are trying to figure out what taxes to increase/create/tweak to protect our state's fiscal well-being, which is getting so shaky that Gov. Kenny Guinn has recently been seen at pawn shops toting around things from the Nevada State Museum, apparently looking for a loan.
Here are some of the taxes being considered, along with some pros and cons:
-- An entertainment tax. Pros: Would raise a buttload of money relatively quickly. Could discourage people from committing heinous acts like paying to see Celine Dion or movies featuring Steven Seagal. Cons: It would potentially raise the price of good movies, too, and seeing as the average movie ticket these days costs more money than the gross national product of Finland, this would suck.
-- A doubling or tripling of the tobacco tax on cigarettes. Pros: Would raise a buttload of money relatively quickly, as well as -- evidence shows -- encourage some folks to quit smoking, therefore saving lives. Cons: North Carolina might lose some money, and Harvey Whittemore would probably have a snit, during which he could very well wet himself. (This could also be considered a "Pro.")
-- A gross receipts tax on businesses over a certain size. Pros: Would raise a buttload of money by taxing large businesses, many of which are based in other states and barely pay any taxes in Nevada as the system stands now. It would also be a cool way to get back at Bank of America and Wells Fargo for buying up all our banks and replacing them with near monopolies. Cons: Gazillionaires would lose .01 percent of their profits or something.
-- An increase in the gross gaming tax. Pros: Would raise a buttload of money by raising one of the few taxes that hasn't been increased in, say, forever, even though casino profits -- especially along the Las Vegas Strip -- have gone up a kazillion percent. Cons: Sen. Joe Neal wouldn't know what to do with himself anymore. Big-company Casino CEOs might have to use mid-grade gas in their limos instead of premium.
-- A state income tax. Pros: Would raise a buttload of money. Cons: More money would come out of the honest worker's paycheck. Would cause mass hysteria. Seeing as a Constitutional amendment would be required, this is about as likely to happen as Sen. Bill Raggio getting a sex change and changing his name to "Bertina."
-- A state lottery. Pros: Would be an "optional" tax, meaning nobody would be forced to pay it if they didn't want to. Cons: Lottery tickets turn people into morons. True story: I was driving down the road recently in Tucson (Arizona has a lottery) and saw a woman weaving between lanes and driving like a general idiot. Was she drunk? No. SHE WAS FEVERISHLY SCRATCHING OFF SOME LOTTERY TICKETS.
-- Raising no taxes and just making cuts. Pros: Wouldn't cost anything, at least financially. Cons: Schools would have an average class size of 107 students. Roads would have the consistency of kitty litter. University system would only be able to offer degrees in alchemy. Would go so horribly that it would probably end Bob Beers' political career.
So, those are some of the best options. Scary, eh? Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to hop in the shower and then go hide under a rock.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who wishes the damn economy
would get better. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached
via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.