THE COMPUTER LITERACY SCHOOL ENTRANCE EXAM

His students are so smart that he has nothing better to do than write this silly book.

Preface

Although our fine institution has an open admission policy for functional illiterates, the following series of tests are highly recommended for those who do not know the difference between a sequential data file and Jay Leno's duuuuuuuhhh file.

If you flunk the entrance exam, we will place you in our highly acclaimed computer operations curriculum, where, after 3 years of hardly working, you will receive a B.S. (what does that stand for?) degree printed on a real sheep hoof. You will not only be fully qualified to mount computer tapes, but also to dial a telephone and wake up a programmer at 3:00 A.M. We will even teach you how to speak English when you make the call. Our psychology course will train you how to deal with programmers who tell you where to go or call you a descendent of an animal when you make the phone call.

If you pass the exam, you will be taught how to be a weird computer programmer with an offbeat sense of humor. Then, you will be ready to write your own stupid book on your computer.

Our school is approved by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, and it was awarded best in the nation for producing more corn fertilizer than any other educational institution. It is also approved by NADCI (National Association of Dumb Computer Incompetents) and by AAACPF (Appalachian American Association of Computerized Pig Farming). Many of our courses are accepted for transfer credit at State Penn College and Big House U.

We are proud members of the powerful CIAC (Central Idaho Aggie Conference) where we compete in squirrel shooting with IPU (Idaho PotaTOE University, Dan Quaile, President), LSC (Lousy Sloppy College), and CSI (Chicken Soup Institute).

Tuition is free. If you are dumb enough to come here, that's enough punishment already. You may park your burro by the fire hydrant next to the IBM sheep shearer behind the outdoor john. Be sure to train your burro not to do it in the road while you are in class.

CHAPTER 1, THE MULTIPLE CHOICE CORN CHIP TEST

1. The process that enables a computer to process and store verbal input is called:

a. Speaking in tongues
b. Speaking of sports
c. Speech recognition
d. Talking donkies

2. Protein and enzyme circuits composed of living tissue are called:

a. Potato chips
b. Chip-n-dales
c. Chicken wire
d. Biochips

3. The study of how to give human like thought capabilities to computers is called:

a. Robot teaching
b. Artificial intelligence
c. Computer dog training
d. From the horse's mouth
e. Talking turkey chips

4. The microchip for the IBM PC was developed by:

a. Lay's Chips, Inc.
b. IMB (International Monster Birds)
c. Nabisco, Criscoe and Briscoe
d. Microsoft

5. Memory is storage space in the:

a. Lame brain
b. Circuit boards
c. Continental shelf
d. Computer closet

6. Software for booting prior to loading the DOS disk is:

a. Contained in ROM
b. Dependent on shoe size
c. Contained in Rome
d. Too pooped to Pope
e. Strapped to my sock
f. Used in computer football

7. Sags are sometimes called dips and surges are sometimes called:

a. Mustard
b. Ketchup
c. Spikes
d. Volleyballs

8. In addition to surges and sags during brownouts, what other type of electrical irregularities often cause serious computer related problems?

a. Electric constipation
b. High frequency interference
c. Computer tummy ache
d. Hot air in the wall plug

9. Sags and surges normally do not cause computer problems except during:

a. Wipeouts
b. Brownouts
c. Sex
d. Earthquacks

10. The ENIAC was:

a. A raving madman
b. A manic depressive
c. An old Sperry
d. A dud Scud

11. The MacIntosh is a product of:

a. MacIntosh Beer, Inc.
b. Apple
c. MacDonald's
d. Wendy's Windy Women
e. Old El Paso

12. Floppy disks are inserted into the:

a. Disk drive
b. Mouth
c. Drawer
d. Oven
e. Spine

13. Hard disks can store more data than:

a. Pickup trucks
b. Floppy disks
c. Mousetraps
d. Breasts

14. One file may contain several:

a. Fingernails
b. Records
c. Elvis stamps
d. Pig feet
e. Football fields
f. Odd characters
g. Comedians
h. Snake feathers

15. A random file is sometimes called:

a. A direct access file
b. An unpredictable house cat
c. A scrambled egg
d. A Polish lightbulb

16. The back of the computer is often called the:

a. Backplane
b. Airplane
c. Neck pain
d. Night train to Maine
e. Insane grain
f. Pouring rain
g. Wigwam
h. Lame brain

17. Three primary classifications of printers are:

a. Broken, trashed and floating down the river
b. Character, line and page
c. Namby-pamby, homosexual and flaky
d. Biggety, demonic and long legged

18. The print head of a dot matrix printer is composed of small:

a. Insects
b. Pins
c. Change
d. Rodents
e. Talk

19. Which of the following is a non-impact printer?

a. Blazer
b. Razor
c. Laser
d. Eraser
e. Chaser
f. Tracer
g. Crazier
h. Lazier

20. Pixels on monochrome monitors are:

a. Redheads
b. One color
c. Jewish
d. Poisonous
e. Bluegrass

21. Data may NOT be stored on:

a. Ram toe
b. Bear paw
c. Penguin blubber
d. Whale socks
e. Salmon tails
f. All of these

22. Random access data retrieval on disk utilizes the:

a. Phone book
b. Directory
c. Crowbar
d. Wire Pliers

23. One popular backup device for microcomputers with hard disks is called the:

a. Hard line drive
b. Streaming tape drive
c. Stanley steamer disk drive
d. Compact CRT overdrive

24. The concentric circular paths on a disk are called:

a. Ghettos
b. Bike trails
c. Tracks
d. Cow paths

25. Which of the following will not harm a floppy disk?

a. Throwing them in the creek
b. Cooking them in oven
c. Writing on with felt tip pen
d. Using as fly swatter
e. Placing between fan blades
f. Using as ash tray
g. Flushing it down toilet
h. Shaving its sectors

26. Computer memory includes:

a. Old time rock and roll
b. RAM and ROM
c. Romie Ramey
d. Jim and Tammy
e. Weirdy and Wangy
f. Guitars-a-Twangy

27. Devices that are used to enter and receive information to and from the computer are called what type devices?

a. Free bird
b. Input/Output
c. Gong show
d. Witchcraft
e. Plowing
f. Nose blowing

28. Which of the following are OPERATING SYSTEMS?

a. Operations Operational Oblong Onerous Old System
b. BS/2
c. Warthog Computers, Inc.
d. MS-DOS
e. Yong Shu's Wong Shong Ding Dong Chinese Cow Bells

29. Which of the following are legal DOS file names? (Note: File names must start with letter, be 8 or less characters, extension must be 3 or less)

a. ILLEGAL.PRK
b. 564AINT NIVR CEEN DIS HERE PHILE.SIX3
c. 43R-U-LISTNIN.DUMMY
d. 23434343434343.DUUH
e. &^%(123_456#78.@)&$#&^&!

30. Which of the following are valid DOS Commands?

a. DIR
b. What you mean, sucka?
c. Play thet hillbilly song jes once'st moore agin
d. Please go to bed with me tonite
e. Up your nose with a rubber hose
f. Right face
g. No way, Jose
h. Get the Dodge out of h
i. I hereby command you to DOS out
j. Kindly get the sheep out of the kitchen
k. Your fly is open

31. Which of the following are INTERNAL DOS commands?

a. COPY
b. I'm going to call my Intern
c. My inlaws are all outlaws
d. Get that woodpecker off my book shelf

32. Which of the following will copy the contents of the file, EDLIN.COM, from the disk on drive B to that on drive A?

a. Call Jerry Brown's 800 number and donate a broom
b. Three Xerox machines and a George Bushwacker doll
c. COPY B:EDLIN.COM A:
d. Two Fax machines in a Texas whorehouse
e. Eight tire irons and a Windows Error Message
f. Forty-five meals at Taco Bell
g. Tatoo Eddie Lynn and a Communist

33. Which of the following can be used to create a bootable disk?

a. BOOT U
b. SHOE FLY
c. SOCK IT 2 ME
d. FORMAT/S

34. Which of the following procedures can be used to reboot?

a. Take off your shoes and smell your feet
b. CTRL and ALT and DEL at same time
c. Waterski off the edge of the flat earth
d. Lose all CTRL, get drunk, eat pizza and get sick

35. If the file is payroll, and the record is an employee, what would be an example of a field?

a. North Forty of the Farmer's
b. Magnetic
c. Social Security Number
d. Outstanding in his
e. Right
f. Left
g. Center
h. Football
i. Battle
j. A bird in the field is worth 2 Madonna records in the can
k. A bird in the hand is worth 2 pheasants

36. In multi-user systems like UNIX, what is displayed during the sign-on process when you type it?

a. User I.D.
b. User I.Q.
c. User drug
d. Used car

37. The UNIX directory where the user currently resides while keying data to an accounting system is called what directory?

a. House
b. Home
c. Trailer
d. Cave
e. Telephone

38. What UNIX command is similar to the DOS DIR for listing the files on a portion of the disk?

a. toad
b. ls
c. boo
d. horse
e. ox
f. slop

39. What UNIX command displays the contents of a file similarly to the DOS TYPE command, but one screen at a time?

a. bore
b. lore
c. more
d. shore
e. door
f. you thought it was something dirty, didn't you

40. What UNIX wildcard character may be used as a substitute for the file name?

a. *
b. Wild thing, you make my heart sing, you make ... groovy
c. You got to know to hold them wild cards
d. Waylon and Willie, two wild ole cards
e. I'm just wild about sorghum and grape juice with poker

41. Source code may be translated to object code by:

a. Dictionaries
b. Compilers
c. Ray Charles
d. Fido

42. The program that combines object code modules to form executable load modules is called a:

a. Executioner
b. Linkage editor
c. Drummer
d. Mule

43. The MS-DOS shell is a program file called:

a. COMMAND.COM
b. COMMIE.COM
c. EX.CON
d. SHELL.OIL

44. Because it is command driven, UNIX appears to a user to be similar to which of these?

a. Ratfink
b. Stupor
c. MS-DOS
d. Sunspots
e. Hoe (garden tool used for digging ditches)
f. There are no dirty words, just dirty minds

45. Hardware requires what type of addressing?

a. Relative
b. Inlaw
c. Outlaw
d. Absolute
e. John Law

46. UNIX and other virtual memory systems require that programs access what type of addresses?

a. Opossum
b. Relative
c. Street
d. Nonsensical

47. Moving in variable length portions of program logic into real memory from virtual memory is called:

a. Trashing
b. Smashing
c. Thrashing
d. Segmentation

48. What is physically stored in virtual memory?

a. Greyhounds
b. Pine cones
c. Nothing
d. Raccoons
e. Mother-in-laws
f. Snails

49. UNIX communicates with a C language programmer through a:

a. United X
b. C shell
c. C shore
d. Bourne again
e. Korn pone
f. C weed

50. Most of the UNIX operating system is written in what language?

a. Assinine
b. B+
c. Binary plugs
d. C
e. D-

51. UNIX processes are created by a system primitive called:

a. Fork
b. Spoon
c. Knife
d. Oh, say can you C

52. Mini-computers, like mainframes, utilize what technique to maximize productivity?

a. Multi-user time sharing
b. Massaging molecules of mercury for muckraking monkey minds
c. Technical technique for Texas Tech nerds
d. Rambling wretch from Georgia Tech and a hetch of an Inganear

53. What did the computer say to the programmer after the COBOL stack dump?

a. You're really stacked, dumpy
b. Put this in your stack, chumpy dumpy
c. Stack dump, non-decimal data
d. Dump this in your ear, turkey
e. Buy a bigger dump truck
f. Put this in your pipe and smoke it, dumphead

54. A single DOS/VSE program would normally be executed in a job:

a. Stomp
b. Step
c. Stump
d. Stoop
e. Shovel

55. An entire batch job stream must be defined to DOS/VSE via what type of JCL statement?

a. Political
b. Jackal
c. Job
d. Unruly
e. Loud

56. DOS/VSE JCL statements begin with:

a. Attaboy
b. Aw sh..
c. Oh no
d. //
e. Ooops

57. Position 3 of a DOS/VSE JCL statement must always be a:

a. Space
b. Thumbtack
c. Rabbit Ear
d. Skunk Nose

58. Optional (and some required) specifications on DOS/VSE JCL statements are called:

a. Parabolas
b. Operas
c. Parameters
d. Dossayes

59. OS JCL statement parameters are separated by what?

a. Spaces
b. Midwives
c. Osometers
d. Divorce

60. Parameters that are defined to OS JCL based upon their location within the JCL syntax are called:

a. Bent
b. Positional
c. Comma-cal
d. Dippy

61. Parameters that are defined to OS JCL based upon a particular word or character string are called:

a. Keyword
b. Buzzword
c. Birdword
d. Slurdfurd

62. An OS JCL statement that defines specifications about a data file are called what kind of statements?

a. DD
b. Vegetarian
c. Bold
d. Controversial

63. An IBM OS copy library is called a:

a. Bookworm
b. Hookworm
c. Partitioned data set
d. Copycat
e. War alarm
f. Library of congress

64. A host computer may be accessed through a communication system by:

a. Personal computer
b. Smart bomb
c. Dumb animal
d. Sidewalk
e. Blabber mouth
f. Stock market ripoff
g. Car phone
h. Umbrella

65. The computer that contains the data files that are accessed in communications systems is called the:

a. Ghost
b. Roast
c. Coast
d. Host
e. Toast

66. The following are examples of the uses of remote computer communications systems:

a. Electronic mail
b. Trucker CB's
c. Railroad crossings
d. Long distance rap
e. Cheating husbands
f. Federal Express

67. Synchronous communication is often used to connect IBM PC's to:

a. Fence posts
b. Stage coaches
c. Mainframes
d. Dog houses

68. The original telegraph system utilizing the alarum and acid was developed by:

a. Wheatstone
b. Powell
c. Forbes
d. Buchanan

69. Soemmering's crude telegraph type system was the first relay and also the first:

a. Serial communications system
b. Cereal by Kelloggs
c. Parallel communications system
d. One way street

(that was too hard, duuuhhhh)

70. The first working telegraph in 1839 was developed in England by:

a. Winston Churchill
b. Margaret Thatcher
c. John Major
d. That Guy Tony Blair
e. None of these
f. Broke bloke
g. Lemon Limey
h. Highatola Cockameemie

71. The galvanometer which utilized the movement of a needle for communication was developed by:

a. James Baker, Jessie Helms and David Duke
b. Clarence Thomas and Uncle Tom's Supreme Court
c. Ed McMahon and other drunks who thought you won a million needles
d. Clyde Galvan and Maurice Ometer
e. Mikie Needle and the hypodermic users
f. Marx, Lenin and Stalin
g. None of these

72. An early serial data transmission method was the:

a. One needle in finger
b. Single needle telegraph
c. Vacuum switch
d. Fuel pump
e. Food fight
f. Spoon of Cheerios
g. Baggage handler
h. Transvestite high heel

73. In Morse code, the marks (no current) consist of:

a. Pencils and pens
b. Dots and dashes
c. Frogs and spiders
d. Nuts and bolts

74. A line that can only transmit a message in one direction is called:

a. Simpleton
b. Simplex
c. Half-cocked
d. Worn out

75. The bit preceding each character in asynchronous systems is the:

a. Snake bit
b. Start bit
c. Little bit
d. Dust bit

76. Most remote communication today is:

a. Parallel
b. Serial
c. Gerry-rigged
d. Spasmodic
e. Oddball dots
f. Dirty dashes

77. One modern facility that enables PC owners to utilize digital networks is the:

a. A.B.C. network
b. Packet switched network
c. Pocket snatching network
d. Roach smashing gnatwork
e. Sadaam Hussein's hand raising surrender network

78. An oscilloscope utilizes:

a. Oscillos
b. Gorillas
c. Electron beams
d. Cigars
e. Lice
f. Marbles
g. Bird droppings
h. Wabbits
i. Buttons
j. Bow ties
k. Scopes monkies
l. Rocks

79. A machine that does modulation and demodulation is called a:

a. Modulator
b. Transmission
c. Modem
d. Camode
e. Nut

80. Bits per second (bps) are sometimes called:

a. Bod
b. Baud
c. Claude
d. Minute bits
e. Twits

81. The dominant electrical standard utilized in PC communications is called:

a. RCA-322B
b. RS-232C
c. LOCUST 3-2-1
d. M-ICKE M-O-U-S-E

82. DB-25's are:

a. Dubious 25 year olds
b. Roller skates
c. 25-pin connections
d. Slow busses

83. The connection in the back of the PC for a modem is what type connection?

a. Parallel
b. Loose
c. Perpendicular
d. Bent

84. Communications programs use protocol to check for:

a. Manners
b. Errors
c. Mice
d. Gators

85. The intersection of a row and column on an electronic spreadsheet is called a:

a. Speedway
b. Cell
c. Jailhouse rock
d. Street corner

86. D.B.M.S. stands for:

a. Data base management system
b. Downright broken medieval structure
c. Delightful buns means sexy
d. Delicate bullfighting and moronic streaking

87. 3270 terminals are used with:

a. PC's accessing Compuserve files remotely
b. Streetcars in Boston
c. Coal trains in West Virginia
d. Television sets in Puerto Rico
e. Old Studebakers and Packards
f. Uncle Albert's fat Apple pies

88. With 3270 emulation, the IBM PC can be used as:

a. A street walker
b. A Burger King tossed salad
c. An IBM keypunch card
d. A 3270 terminal to an IBM mainframe
e. A 7230 aardvark cursor

89. Synchronous communication utilizes bursts, which are:

a. Flat busted hobos
b. Blocks of data
c. Popping balloons
d. Too much chicken and ribs

90. EBCDIC:

a. Stands for Extended Binary Coded Decimal Interchange Code
b. Stands for Extremely Blase Caper Done In City
c. Keeps trains from running off the disk tracks
d. Stands for Easily Burnt Carp Done In Crockpot

91. Among the 5 ways to hook up a PC to an IBM mainframe are:

a. Coax-connected 3270 card (IRMA board)
b. Coaxing WTBS into televising SEC basketball
c. RS-232C Synchronous Adapter Card
d. RS-322D Twisted Sister on HBO after 2:00 AM
e. 3274-attached Protocol Converter
f. 3275-wrinkled cardboard cloth smoke detector
g. 3705-attached Protocol Converter
h. 3708 Procol Harem blues and psyche session
i. 3270-PC
j. 3280-PD
k. Token ring at subway station
l. Node load of toad mode

92. PC communications are not monopolized by big business, but the following are:

a. Oil
b. Lima bean fudge
c. Weasel racing
d. Alabama horseshoes
e. Asparagus ice cream
f. Blue suede cowboy hats

CHAPTER 2, YOUR FIRST FEW ASSIGNMENTS

Assignment 1:

Below is a list of data for you to put into a computer file (that's a cabinet with a computer in it). The stuff is a list of vendors for an accounts payable system. The first field is not for football, it's the vendor number (you know, a vendor, like a guy that sells hot dogs on the street). The next field is not a magnetic field, it's the vendor name. After that is the vendor's city and state code (province if foreign).

Build a robot that can sort this mess in alphabetical order by name.

038	CANANDA'S BEST SPELERS	CHILLIWACKY	BC
122	WOR SOR'S OF NEW YOIKE	WAU SAU	WI
215	WONG SHU UNCIVIC HONDA	YOKYTO	OK
321	CAN U BEAR IT RUGS	WHITE BARE BEAR	MN
511	AARDVARK SOCKS, INC	FORT PAIN	AL
556	HOLY ROLLER SKATES	MUURRVULL	TN
634	HIGHWAY 61 SHOESTRINGS	PASCAGOOGOO	MS
765	MIZRABULL MEESES, INC	ALL RAT	RI
806	THUNDERING BIRD HERDS	THUNDER BOOM	ON
896	RANCHO LOBO LOCO O NO	ALLBUTQUIRKY	NM
922	TEXICAN JUMPING BEANS	CORPSE CRISPY	TX
999	EOD'S END OF THE LION	EXIT STAGE LEFT	WY

After the robot has sorted the sordid file, smash the robot and use the spare parts to fix your car.

Assignment 2:

The next file has customer names and what they bought. Sort these in ass ending order by product. Then, add up how many customers there are and how many products there are. See if you can figure out whether there are the same number of both. Then print the file on a paper bag.

BEEF BAG-O-BONES	SKELETON SOFTWARE
POSSUM CHOP STEW	ROCKY BOTTOM STILL
2 CHICKEN BREASTS	PLAYBOY CLUB
SMOKED TURKEY FEET	HALF SMOKED SMOKES
HOT SPICY CHEESE	BAMBINOS OF ROME
GREEN CHEESE	MOLDY OLDIES, INC.
OKRA COOKIES	BUSH BROCK-A-LEE
LONGHORN TAILS	RIPROD RODEO
JUMBO SIZE EGGS	CHICKEN LITTLE
JALAPINA YOGURT	RASKIN-BOBBINS
WET CRACKERJACKS	3 RIVERS STADIUM
COALDUST SALAD	MAJOR MINERS
SPAM ON THE SHINGLE	U.S. ARMY BOOT CAMP
MUSTARD GREENS	MUSTARDBURGERS, INC
GATOR SOUP	CAJUN JOHN GRILL
BLUE-EYED PEAS	DUPPY YUPPIES
OREGON QUACK DUCKS	USC FOOTBALL TEAM
BEANS AND FRANKS	THE GAS COMPANY
FATBACK SAUCE	GREASY SPOONER CAFE
SARDINE TAILS	SOUNDS FISHY TO ME
SOY SAUCE SOUP	WONG DUK JONG SHU
DICED GREEN CHILIES	PABLO'S ADOBE DINER
SUGAR DILL PICKLES	HANS & FRANZ PUMPS
DISPOSABLE DIAPERS	CITY HALL
REFRIED SNAILTAILS	CON-U-SURES INN
LONG GRAIN RICE	BAYLOR, TCU & SMU
RAW HORSE MEAT	RONALD MCDONALD
OAT BRAN ONIONS	HEALTHY SMELLS, LTD
ASPARAGUS SYRUP	COUNTY JAIL
CALF LIVER JELLY	YUM YUMS BAKERY
BIG SYCAMORE LEAVES	GRAZING GIRAFFES
CHEAP TOILET PAPER	RUSSIAN EMBASSY
DRANO PIPE CLEANER	SMOKY JOE GARAGE
TOBACCO CANDY BARS	SLOW BIDNESS, DDS
GREEN CRACKERS	GENERAL HOSPITAL
GASAHOL MUFFINS	GUS & GOOSE EXXON
SPAGHETTI & FLIES	MEATHEAD GRILL
GENERIC DOG FOOD	MARGARET THATCHER
PETRIFIED PIE	RIP & SNORT DELI
CARROT TOOTHPASTE	BUGSY AND MUGSY
GARLIC MOUTH WASH	BAD BREATHS, INC.
OYSTER BURRITOS	PEARL BORDER INN
PARAKEET SOUP	BIRDWATCHERS OF USA

Assignment 3:

This time, the names come first, and there's a stock number for each item purchased. Write a computer program to print them all upside down. Why not just turn the page upside down? Can't do that, it makes too much sense. You wouldn't be in this school if you had any sense.

MUFFINS, NICEAUH A.	1/2 FT VACUUM LINES	116787004098
NEAPOLITAN, ICE C.	AUTOMOTIVE DISH	450123103134
OZGOOD, OZZIE L.	AUTO OZONE FILTERS	623456004021
PEACOCK, BIRDY	CAR BIRD BUCKET	610045010024
PIGGY, MISSY	AUTO CORN STALKS	250173080076
POLE, BEAN O.	POLAR OIL PAN	541234011078
RATMEESE, ROACH B.	10W40 CHEESE	522894001099
RENO, CASINO N.V.	20W50 DICE	610639010020
ROCKY, RAMBO B.	STALLONE HUBCAPS	133404045089
SAMWITCH, TUNA S.	FISHY CAR ASH TRAY	669234090100
SCHMIDT, A.W.	SCHMIDT REMOVER	312302004050
SHARP, TACKY R.	TIRE DEFLATER	237809001008
SHORT, URE VERA	AUTO SEAT BOOSTER	429834010023
SKINNY, LENNY	FREE CHRYSLER BIRD	250789110023
STINKSTEIN, BRUCE	CAR BONE N.D. USA	460929010067
STROHS, BUD W.	1.0 ALKIE DETECTOR	342856055067
SWEATHOG, B.O.	AUTO DEODORANT CIGS	350345067078
TEE, GOLF G.	ARNIE HOOD ORNAMENT	512347001023
TOMCHUCK, WOODY	CAR CATBIRD SEAT	130375004056
TORR, JANET	AUTO CLEANING RAGS	269845090020
TOWN, A. SMALL	SMOKY C.B./COMPASS	455628034056
TRACE, KNOTT A.	CAR INDIGESTION KIT	422345011045
TRACKS, ELLIE PHANT	MONSTER TRUCK TIRES	610304001005
TRICK, DICKY M.	18 MIN CAR TAPE GAP	123040010052
TURNCOAT, BENEDICT	AMERICAN FLAG DECAL	540378402098
TYCOBB, CORNY	CAR BASEBALL BAT	530923045045
UGLY, IMA	REARVIEW MIRROR	240450050067
UUUUH, WELL AH	CAR DICTIONARY	419340120344
VAX, CHUCK C.	BROKEN CAR COMPUTER	620098009009
VEXING, TEX	AUTO SPITOON	362984019090
WALKER, STREET	175/14/70 RETREADS	140086087078
WALRUS, WALLY W.	FAT AIR BAG	655870087090
WARTS, FROGGY LEE	CAR FACELIFT KIT	424598030030
ZINN, BUZZ	AUTO BACKSEAT MOTEL	118890200230

Assignment 4:

Use a dubious data base to reproduce the two reports shown below:

MOTEL NAME	NO. ROOMS	MANAGER NAME
DOO DROP INN	32	DEWEY DOO
RAINY DAY VISTA	19	RIP U. OFF
SWEAT DREAMS LODGE	12	HOT N. HUMID
CITY DUMP MOTEL	13	D. OLDMANN
DROOPY PINE ADOBE	22	J. CABLES
WEIRD H'S FLOPHOUSE	10	HAROLD PU
TRAINTRACK REST INN	34	MACON NOYS
LAZY SKUNK LODGE	32	I. SMELL
CATFISH TAIL MOTEL	13	U.B. FISHY
BUCKSNORT MOTEL	22	BUCK SNORTS
BIMBO DELITE MOTEL	12	JOHN SMITH
DEADSKIN MOTEL	21	R.I. PEACE
BACK ALLEY MOTEL	18	JUAN A. FIGHT
MOTEL 6 and 1/2	66	TOM BEAUDACIOUS
THE ROACH MOTEL	51	MUHAMMED ALMOST

SONG TITLE	SINGER NAME
I FELL OF THE SADDLE OVER YOU	HORSE N. AROUND
BORN TO PUNCH OUT COMPUTERS	V.P. DBASE AND THE DOS A
MOON OVER MY OUTHOUSE DOOR	WILLIE YONDER
WHO PUT THE BOMP IN THE DUCK SOUP?	WIMP AND THE WEASELS
RUNNING BARE AND STREAKING SCARED	THE NAKED REVERSE
ALL I WANT IS SOME MORE BEANS	RICO AND THE ENCHELADAS
LOST IN THE MISSISSIPPI MUDPIES	PIGPEN WYNN AND Y'ALL
IN THE END YOU'LL BE GETTING IT	THE PREPARATION H BAND
DARLING DOO WAH SHOOBIE WONG SHU	DOOBIE, RUBY AND GRUBBY
SWOONING, MOONING AND TUNING	GITPICKER GUS AND SHINE
SUFFERING CATFISH IN THE TOILET	THE RIVERBOAT FLUSH
YOU VOTED FOR QUAYLE, YOU BIRDDOG	DUKE AND THE GREEK POLES
SNOWSHOVELS, ICE PICKS AND BEEF STEW	OLD, BOLD AND COLD
I HAD A DATE WITH RONNIE MILSAPS	THE FAT LADY WHO SANG
CAJUN WAYS AND CANINE GAYS	BEAUX AND FIDEAUX
HONKEYTONK TRANSVESTITE	MAX AND THE SKIRTS
SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME	A. TATOO

CHAPTER 3, INTRODUCTION TO COMPUTERS, FINAL TEST

1. Placing tape over a slot on the floppy disk's side is called:

a. Taping data
b. Write protecting
c. Computer band-aid
d. Sticky sectors
e. Tapeworm
f. Sloppy slot

2. When special programming is placed onto a diskette to keep others from copying the disk's contents, this is called:

a. Null pirates
b. Virus wiping
c. Copy protecting
d. Blocking backups
e. Snake slithering
f. Copycat dodging

3. The operating system for the IBM PC is called:

a. Cool operator
b. PC-DOS
b. Operation Mouse DOS
d. Wounded disk

4. The operating system for "IBM compatible" PC's is called:

a. IBM Spouse
b. MS-DOS
c. Rude Roommate
d. Easy Boots
e. Long John Computer
f. Crude Surgery

5. MS-DOS and PC-DOS were written by:

a. L. Ron Hubbard
b. Art Buchwald
c. Microsoft or whoever they stole it from
d. Paul Simon
e. Clarence Thomas
f. Joe Bidon

6. Values that a program uses if you do not specify otherwise are called system:

a. Defaults
b. Dilly-dallies
c. Dippers
d. Doodles

7. if'n i kaint spel too goode an i ain't care neitherHow, i shud uze 1 a them ther:

a. Grammar crackers
b. Spelling checkers
c. Therapudic chips
d. Adding machines

8. Word processing systems are loaded into memory from the:

a. Wall plug
b. Application system disk
c. Dock
d. French dictionary
e. Computer nervous system
f. Bean

9. The Social Security Number of one employee is stored in 9:

a. Dogs
b. Bytes
c. Lives
d. Cats
e. Flies
f. Toes
g. Barks
h. Cans of tuna
i. Fingers
j. Dimes

10. Which of the following functions changes the contents of a file or data base?

a. Moose
b. Delete
c. Sweep
d. Goat
e. Funk Railroad

11. The immediate predecessor to data base file structures was:

a. Grandpa Jones
b. Disorganized
c. Tape recorders
d. Index-sequential
e. Index cards
f. Poor man's zip code

12. The two types of sorts are ascending and:

a. Transcending
b. Rescending
c. Receding
d. Descending

13. DBMS data bases are defined via by the:

a. Webster book
b. Timeclock
c. Data Dictionary
d. Cricket

14. DBMS and index-sequential files may be accessed:

a. By burglars
b. With sledgehammers
c. Sequentially and randomly
d. Duuuhh, I don't know

15. One "K" is EXACTLY:

a. 3 H's
b. 1000 trucks
c. 2 old joes
d. 1024 bytes

16. In computers, a bit is:

a. A binary digit
b. A dusty disk
c. A byte of pitbull
d. Not much but a little

17. 10 "M" of memory is ABOUT:

a. 10,000,000 J's
b. 10,000,000 bytes
c. 10,000 bumblebees
d. 10,000 nickels

18. Three ways of converting source code to object code (machine language) are compilers, interpreters and:

a. Grasshoppers
b. Assemblers
c. Pencils
d. Fatal error code

19. A computer program that changes information in a data file is called:

a. An update program
b. A mushroom
c. A dead stump
d. A plumber

20. ESSAY QUESTION: In ten words or less, explain how to repair your computer disk's bad sectors with a crowbar and tire iron.

You may pick up your grade at the local unemployment office, because if you had a job, you sure wouldn't be going to school here, would you? Have a good vacation, and come back next semester for our home computer bathroom course, Business Programming with Computer Whiz.

CHAPTER 4, GRADUATION CEREMONY

Our guest speaker will be Peewee Herman, who will talk about morality in the computer field. He will stress the importance of doing a complete job and not leaving loose ends hanging. We invited Dan Quayle to lecture about how to spel potatoe, but Murphy Brown is on that same night, so he had to decline.