"I mean I'm Just an normal everyday kind of person aren't I?" She screamed out, knowing that she couldn't get an answer, that no one would answer her, that no one would care. She was alone, caught, caught between two worlds, maybe more. At a transitsion in her life, the biggest yet. She just moved out, she just started university. It was suppose to be the best time of her life, wasn't it? She wondered that to herself.
The deja-vu was getting worse. Steadily, more everyday she felt the feeling that she had been there, done that, seen it all before. It was uneverving after awhile.
All she wanted was someone to talk to. Not just chitter chatter but really talked. She had a handfull of close friends, lived with 30 other people, was in the same year as 10 000 other frosh, went to the same school as 20 000 other people, yet was alone. No one cared. How could she make them see that everything, everyday life was so superficial. The barbie song fit so well. She got the feeling that to fit in all she had to do was drink, flirt, look good, basically sacrifce herself and everything she was. Sacrific herself was the last thing she wanted to do. All she wanted was friends, all she wanted was to meet her soul mate. That was her biggest goal.
She didn't know why she was here. She didn't know why she was spending her and her parents money when all that mattered to her was him, not school, not anything else. She didn't want to do school. She didn't want to live here. She didn't want anything else but to be in his arms. She wanted with all of her soul to just be with him. That's all that mattered. The world could end, as far as she was concerened as long as she was with him when it ended she'd be happy.
Her life had changed, she was different. She new that, she wasn't impressed with it, she had never liked change. After all she had lived on a farm all her life, her father had lived on the same farm since he was 3. On the farm change was slow, vertially predictable. She didn't like change, it was built into her genes. It had only been 2 months but she had watched herself change drastically 3 times... It hurt her head to think about it.
All she wanted to do was sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. She needed more than she was getting. How different the world appeared when she lacked sleep. Sleep would solve all of her problems, wouldn't it? She hoped so. It had to, if it didn't she would go crazy. Maybe she already was crazy... How could she know? Who would tell her?
Why wouldn't she just give in. Why wouldn't she just give in to her body and go to bed? No, she couldn't do that. There was too much activity. It was too early, she was going out... or was she? That's the problem, she just didn't know... As usual.
How could she teach like that? So many cold blank nameless faces looking back. No one looking enthused, all eyes dull, stressed out. Minds wandering not on the the subject at hand. Lack of sleep was the creature that choked all. Stress, overwhelming stress was at everyone's back. Failing was the devil at everyone's heals. Yet she still taught on.
All she wanted was to see him again, no, not just to see him again but to be with him again. Her arms ached to have him hold her. Her arms ached and it was still the middle of the day, early. She didn't know how she was going to go on. She couldn't fathom it and thinking about when she would see him again only made it worse. She didn't belong to him anymore. She never really did in the first place. She didn't understand why it was him on her mind. She didn't know what made him so special, so unique. She just knew he was. When she removed herself from the emotions, took a step back to look she just couldn't understand.
It was happening again, it's happening again. She ran it through her head a thousand times. She, her, she was loosing control again. She had always been so proud of the way she controlled her emotions, she had always been so good at it. And then there was him, Why? Why was he so different? Was he different? She had been down this road before. Yet it wasn't the same. The last time wasn't nearly so intense. No, no then she had been young, foolish in love with being in love. She wasn't that anymore, was she? No, now, if anything, she was lonely. She had been hurt by love before and didn't want to go back. That's why this, he, didn't make any sense. How could he fill her lonelyness when he was so far away? Why, no matter what she did, did she think that, she thought he could fill her emptyness, lonlyness. But logically her mind said that he was just causing it more, causing lonelyness. NO! Not him, he couldn't do that! He could cause pain? Could he? She screamed at herself. At first she was firm, but slowly, ever so slowly she realized that wasn't right, she realized she was wrong. He had, he is, he will cause her pain. Why can't she make her heart see that?
And this was suppose to prepare her for life? Calculus? Yeah right. Why was she kidding herslef? Why was she here, in this desk, at this lecture, in university? She didn't deserve to be, she wasn't suppose to be. Deep inside her was a feeling of dispair, a fear of faliure. The more she tried to shove it down, ignore it, the larger it grew, the harder it became to control. Sooner or later it was going to enulf her. She knew that, she feared that, she wanted to pretend it wasn't there but that just made it worse...
And we all wait, and we all wonder if we should be here. Would we be better studing? The midterm is looming in the very near future of tomorrow. And the weather is so warm, very warm compared to the snow of last week. The weather is moody, just like everyone here.
And they were giving away free milkshakes.
People watch their marks crumble and their futures die with them and they cry, and they grasp to the hope of the bell curve. They are afraid to find out.
HER MARK WAS GOOD! An 84%, 127 out of 1293 people, damn good. She was excited, too excited to knotice her friend crying, crying because her life was shattered, cry as she watched her mark fall 25%. Cry because the course was suppose to be her major. And her other friend the same, her other friend watched her chances of med school slip away, watched her future slip away. Why? But all of the worring was suppose to die with highschool wasn't it? She had reached her goal of 7 years. She made it, she was here, in university, no more waiting right? Now what?
And somehow she found a glimer of hope in the knowledge that someday all that is hard now will be easy. Experiance has taught her that.
And she actually learned something new, and it made her happy.
And she found comfort with the animals, they couldn't talk back. But here in rez she couldn', she didn't have animals. She just had her bear. Her bear was her friend, always ready to give her a hug. Always ready to listen. He didn't have feelings that could be hurt yet she treated him as well as any human friend. The bear too was her friend. Someone who enriched her life. That's why the song was so sad. She could realte to the song. Couldn't everyone?
And he looked but did not turn his head. She watched him. She knew she had power over him and it thrilled her.
And she didn't have the heart to tell her highschool friends, they wouldn't understand anyways.
And she sat at her computer and cried. Funny really how her computer had become her friend, her only friend.
And only people who had been there, done that would understand. And then? Not even all of them would understand. Could she make them see? Was it worth trying? Will she go on?
She just wanted to communicate.
She realized the few things that let her forget; true studying, a feeling of accomplishment, video games, a good movie, passionate sex. Those were the few things that gave her the feelings that she lived for, that took her away from it all, everything that bound... They are the diamonds in the rough.
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