Copyright 1997 by Jeremy J. Schwab
"For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness..."; the minister mumbled Ephesians 6:12 for the funeral of a teenager he never knew. Adam stood by stoically, his arms crossed. His chest tightened as the funeral progressed for his best friend Abe Fletcher, who had slit his wrists earlier in the week. All he could think about were the final moments when he discovered Abe. He thought about the last look on Abe's face of fear and hopeless despair as his life drained from him and he collapsed into a pool of his own blood. Three words kept echoing in Adam's mind from Abe's note, which simply read: "Nobody cared anyway."
The graveside funeral ended. Adam tried to talk to the minister, but he had to rush off to the funeral of another teenager. As Adam walked back to his car that Thursday afternoon through the gauntlet of headstones, he looked at the few recent graves that were maintained and adorned with flowers, and noticed the hundreds more that had fallen into total decay. He noticed in particular an enormous and ornate headstone. It held in its epitaph the story of a tremendously successful businessman, who died of a heart attack, divorced and alone at the age of forty. Adam pulled back the tall weeds and tried to read the name, which had once been decoratively inscribed upon the cold stone, but now it was so worn by the elements that it was completely illegible.
As he thought more about the situation he asked himself, "What's the point? What does life mean in the first place if everyone just ends up here? Why do we have to go through this miserable existence?" As he came closer to the parking lot, he looked up to see everyone hurrying off to get back into the swing of their day as if nothing had happened. As he watched them rush off, he thought about all of them and how they all would eventually die as well and shortly thereafter their flesh and all memories of them would rot away.
That night as Adam tried to sleep he began thinking about his own life. Adam was conceived sixteen years ago when his mother was raped. His mother had planned to have an abortion, but she discovered that she stood to gain much more sympathy and respect from her friends and family by raising him herself. For them she always found a new way to be hurt everyday. Though deep down she loved Adam and tried to be a good mother, she found it increasingly difficult to show affection or love for someone who looked identical to the man who raped her. When Adam was about ten years old, she married Carl Nimrod and they went to live in the city of Molock.
Carl Nimrod, an alcoholic, was very abusive to Adam and his mother; nevertheless, she insisted on staying with him for almost four years. She based all her hopes for happiness on Nimrod and frequently warned Adam, "don't screw up my life again." She ignored the obvious markings and bruises that kept appearing on Adam's body. She had enough of those herself, which she attributed to her "insolent and incorrigible" son. "Do whatever he tells you," she always told Adam, "and don't make him mad anymore, if you know what's good for you!"
When Adam was twelve, his mother came home one day to find Carl passed out on the couch in his usual drunken stupor. She found Adam sitting in a chair with his arms crossed and his fists clenched tightly, crying silently.
"What's wrong Adam?" she said hesitantly.
"I'm sorry..."
"What's wrong Adam?" she repeated nervously.
"I did something really bad," he said, sobbing.
"What did you do this time?" she remarked.
"I'm sorry...I can't tell you!," he cried.
"TELL ME NOW!" she shouted.
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"
Adam proceeded to tell her in detail what Carl had made him do. She stood there for a moment listening, then interrupted:
"You have a really sick, disgusting mind, do you know that? How could you make something like that up? I don't believe you!" she shouted.
Adam replied fearfully,
"He does it...a lot."
His mother shouted,
"Then why the hell didn't you tell me about this before?"
Adam replied,
"I didn't know it was wrong. I'm sorry...I didn't want it to happen, but he made me."
"YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS WRONG?" she shouted. "That's a stupid thing to say! I don't believe any of your story and I'm sick of you causing trouble around here. When Carl wakes up, I'm going to ask him about this and if you're lying, you're going to get the sh*t beat out of you, you know that! Just because Carl disciplines you from time to time, doesn't give you the right to make stuff like that up. You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Adam just sat there in a fetal position with his arms crossed; his chest tightened and his heart raced. That night, when Carl finally woke up, he denied everything, of course, and then proceeded to discipline Adam for "making stuff up." Adam was taken to the hospital the next day with a bruised rib and a broken femur in his right leg. His mother told the doctor, "he was hurt playing baseball with his stepfather."
As the night dragged on, Adam thought for a while about a few of the happier moments in his upbringing. He remembered the times he spent with his grandparents, when they came every year and took him to Church on Easter. They always told him about Jesus Christ, who was called the "Lamb of God" and gave his life to save mankind from sin and death. Adam's mother was never very religious and Adam had not been to Church or prayed in months, but he had managed to acquire some knowledge of Christianity, over the years, from the rare encounters with his grandparents and the Bible they had given him. His grandparents loved him dearly, but he never really spent enough time with them to realize it.
Adam was growing tired of thinking about his own life and he began thinking about the last few days and what could have led Abe to take his life. He stayed up the rest of the night trying to find some meaning or purpose for Abe's short life and his own. "I envy Abe," he said to himself, "at least it's all over for him now and he doesn't have to live in this sewer anymore." He sat there sleeplessly trying to make sense of everything. "What's the point of all this? Why do I have to live like this?" he thought. Friday morning finally came and he got up and went to school as usual.
As Adam entered the main hallway, a familiar face approached him. "Wanna take an acid trip? I'll be your travel agent," the freshman said, holding out some LSD. "No thanks, I prefer depressants," Adam replied half jokingly.
Adam went to the attendance office to get an admit slip, since he had missed all of his classes on Thursday. After standing in line, he approached one of the secretaries and began,
"Uhhh, hi, my name is..."
"Social security number please," she interrupted.
"I'm sorry," he said submissively.
"it's...."
He gave her his social security number and she punched a few keys into the computer and said,
"So why were you absent yesterday?"
"I had to go to another student's funeral."
"Which one?"
"Abraham Fletcher's"
She punched a few more keys into the computer and said,
"Well it says here that that funeral wasn't supposed to start till four in the afternoon. You could have still gone to class and made it in time. I'm sorry, I can't excuse this absence." "I understand...I'm sorry," Adam replied, humbly.
"NEXT!" she interrupted.
Adam accepted his detention slip, apologized once more for his absence, and hurried to class.
As he got to his first class, Environmental Studies, he heard Ms. Gaia (pronounced "Mizzz Guya") shouting at a student for wearing a small wooden cross. "Take off that cross right now! How many times do I have to tell you? This is a public school; we have a separation of church and state. I am not going to allow you to keep shoving your oppressive religion down everyone's throats!," she screamed. The class began and Ms. Gaia hopped on her usual soap box, explaining why "Mother Earth and her eco system would be so much better off, if human beings had never evolved into existence in the first place." Adam thought to himself, "I already know the world would be better off without me in it."
At the end of class she reminded everyone that "this afternoon there is going to be a solar eclipse at three o'clock. Since it is such a rare event and a religious holiday for some, school will be dismissed an hour earlier than usual. For those of you girls who are interested, I am going to be meeting with my Wicca sisters for a ceremony in the park this afternoon during the eclipse. If any of you would like to come and join in, you are certainly welcome to." One of the guys in the back whispered to a friend,
"I didn't know she was a witch."
"Yeah, with a capital 'B'!,"
the friend exclaimed.
That afternoon as Adam finished his last class, he found Charity, the girl on whom he had based his entire self-esteem. He had been in love with her since Freshman year and the other day she finally agreed to go to the Prom with him after he had waited two years to ask her. He walked up to her with his arms loosely crossed and said hesitantly:
"Uhhh, hey, Charity,"
"Oh, hi, Adam," she said pensively,
"We're still going to the Prom next weekend, aren't we?" he asked nervously, crossing his arms a little more tightly. Avoiding making eye contact with him, she replied:
"Well, that's what I need to talk to you about..."
The expression on Adam's face changed, he crossed his arms a little more tightly. She continued,
"You see, there's a chance that Jake might ask me to go too, and I think I should go with him instead. After all, he is a lot more popular and he does have a nicer car...besides I only promised you I'd go with you if your complexion cleared up by then. I'm sorry, but if he asks me, I'll just have to go with him instead. I mean my whole social life depends on this."
Looking down at the ground, Adam replied despairingly:
"Uhhh, I understand...I'm sorry."
She quickly grabbed Adam's right arm, clinching it tightly she explained,
"I didn't mean that I wouldn't go with you. I just mean that...Well, don't give up or ask anybody else, because if he doesn't ask me, I'd still like to go with you. I mean, you still have a chance."
"Really?" Adam exclaimed, looking up as a slight glimmer of hope returned to his face.
Just then, Adam felt someone push him from the side, as his whole body went flying into the lockers, slightly cutting his forehead. Adam's expression had changed again as he picked himself up to see and hear Jake laughing at him.
"Hey, how's it going psycho! I heard you just stood there and watched while Abe bled to death. Was there a lot of blood? That must have been freaky! Too bad you didn't videotape it; you could make another sequel to Faces of Death,"
Jake remarked tauntingly. Charity cackled hysterically.
Adam thought about the pool of blood he saw in Abe's room. He felt himself begin to vomit as he wiped the blood from the cut on his foreheard. He ran into the restroom, but didn't even make it past the condom dispenser to the toilet. Jake laughed and yelled out, "Don't puke your guts out all over the 'rubber machine!' some of us actually use that, ya know!" Humiliated, Adam cleaned himself up and left. Charity and Jake were still in the hall laughing at him hysterically.
Adam got in his car and drove to the outskirts of the city on Highway 40. It was approaching three o'clock. The solar eclipse had begun and the sky was starting to turn black. To make matters worse, it started raining. Adam thought about what had just happened, about the last twenty-four hours, and the last sixteen years.
In a fit of despair Adam slammed on the gas. Racing down the highway, he accelerated quickly. The speedometer on his old black mustang read 45mph, then 50mph, 55, 60, 65. It kept climbing. He looked ahead for a nice big tree, but couldn't see one anywhere. There was nothing but grazing land for miles, with sheep and cattle, waiting to be led to slaughter.
He was quickly approaching the intersections with Highway 666 and Nathaniel Road, where he slowed down and stopped to decide where to go. He noticed up ahead on Nathaniel Road a hill with three telephone poles reaching up over it. The poles were closely aligned diagonally, separated only by their cross-timbers.
Adam's eyes fixated on the timbers. He wanted to hit the center pole with as much impact as possible, but he would have to accelerate pretty fast going down hill in order to make it up the next hill at a fast enough speed. Putting the car back into drive, he put his foot down firmly on the gas. He started going downhill fast.
Adam's chest tightened in a painfully familiar manner. He could feel a sharp pain in his side as his heart beat each time throughout his seemingly paralyzed body. The eclipse was nearing completion. The rain kept pouring down and the car windows were fogging up as he drove on into the near total darkness that surrounded him.
Adam was sweating profusely as he thought, "I'm finally going to be free and no one is going to stop me this time...not that they would if they could." He quickly accelerated once again. He thought about what his funeral would probably be like. "Gosh will they be sorry!" he exclaimed. Then, realizing that it might be a closed casket funeral he thought, "Will anybody remember what I looked like? Will anybody be there anyway? If I die this afternoon, will it have mattered to anyone that I ever lived in the first place?" At this point the eclipse was complete and the sun was completely covered.
As Adam saw his own death finally approaching with a chilling certainty, he thought about his seemingly wasted life and an even more important issue came to the forefront of his mind. "What next?" WHAT NEXT?" he shouted. "Am I going to send myself to Hell?," He said almost satirically, "Will it be any worse or an improvement?"
Humbly he began to cry out, "Oh God, if you're really up there and if you're what people say you are, please forgive me for this. I don't know what else to do. I don't really want to do this, but there doesn't seem to be any other option. It's not like my life really matters to anyone, anyway. I'm nothing. I can't do anything right on my own. Lord, please forgive me. Please help me," he gasped.
Adam reached down to unfasten his seat belt, but the latch was stuck. He pulled on the belt with all his strength, but it would not unfasten. He glanced up as his headlights illuminated the center pole and its cross timber, toward which he was headed at 70mph. Suddenly, someone or something stepped out onto the road in front of him, midway between him and the wood on which he was about to take his life. Adam slammed on the brakes, with his fists clenched tightly over the steering wheel. He heard and felt a slight impact and blood splattered across the windshield as the car went skidding uncontrollably, spinning completely around three times. Adam's seat belt came loose and he gashed his forehead on the dashboard as the car skidded to a stop inches from the pole. Adam hesitantly crawled out of the car as blood smeared all over his palms and the side of his white T-shirt.
As he approached the front of the car he noticed the familiar sight of a pool of blood forming near a puddle of water under his car. "OH MY GOD!" he gasped, sobbing. He fell to his knees and said, "Oh my God, I killed someone else! Oh, God, why didn't you just let me die? I didn't want to kill anybody else." He reached into his pocket and grabbed his knife. He opened it. Clutching tightly he put it next to his throat. I should be dead right now! Please let me die! That should be my blood!," he said as he felt the tip of the blade puncture his neck and a small stream of blood flowed down his knife.
The eclipse began to pass and he began to be able to see again, so he looked around, frantically for the body. He saw it over in the bushes. As he crawled closer to it, he noticed it was very small almost like a child. Adam collapsed in despair, but as the sun light became brighter he could see it was some kind of animal. He realized it was some kind of sheep. As he came closer, he discovered it was a lamb. The burden of guilt and despair fell from Adam's shoulders. As the crushing weight of death no longer filled his heart and soul and the Truth began to penetrate his thoughts.
"I killed a Lamb?! I should be dead right now, but that Lamb died in my place?," he said.
Adam dropped his knife and uncrossed his arms. With his arms outstretched and palms upraised he cried and prayed humbly, "Oh Lord, I don't know what just happened here, but there's got to be some reason why I'm still alive. I don't have anything that anyone considers to be important, but I guess if you want me alive this much, there must be something left for me. Please, show me the way Lord. I'm putting my life in your hands now. I just want to live. As Adam was saying this, the rain stopped. The sky cleared and the sun light engulfed him.As the sun came out fully from behind the moon he could see everything much more clearly. "I know there's only one answer to these problems and I'm talking to Him right now," he said, smiling with excitement and sheer joy.
He continued praying with his face to the ground until he felt a firm nudge against his cheek. He open his eyes and saw the lamb standing there. He wiped his eyes in disbelief. "It couldn't be the same lamb," he thought. He looked closer and saw the fresh blood on the lambs white wool. He reached out his hand and place it in the side. Adam sat there speechless and in awe. An incredible and overwhelming feeling of warmth and peace came over him. He walked back into his life and began telling everyone he knew about the Lamb of God that rescued him from death.
COMMENTS: jschwab1978@yahoo.com
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