learn the keyboard-like-a-piano
piano
[gluttony makes you fat]
bodies zebra'd with streatch-marks, layed out and covering the floor...
a message to:{____________}
but we all have our responsibilities ["don't get me wrong"]
and the itching between my legs has nothing to do with bugs... just fungus
like my head is falling apart
my sex is falling apart
ask my ass
it really probably knows better than i
[o- i should teach it how to talk]
the skin falls in flakes from each one.....
they float upon the breeze [-tyne]
but you know "i don't want you to do anything you don't want to do [but i'll need you to accommodate me this evening]"
+when it's all off center... when your face twitches like the boy you always half-heartedly protected and ridiculed in school...
now you can only think of his sister; put her in your catalogue when you need to talk ov pianos and the virtuosity required when playing something so that it can't play you back
dear m.computer: i'd like to speak with you a moment and if you'll echo back my fate in a graphical user interface i will oblidge you by selling off our fruits
i want to fuck you because i can't be fucked anymore
virus as protection
guess what i can spread
[wave of notes i want to write in letters here, wave of chords i can see when i get this other shit out from my eyes... it's the feeling i get and it makes me notice just how cold i am--- tell me when you're closing down]
you said something about nature?
what do you care?
stare at the sea
you want to die, don't you?
ummmm, could you please pick up all the bits i've left lying around? [to be found or forgotten] i only ask dear because my hands are full [we have to hold ourselves together somehow... and i seem to have outlawed the strings and things, the screws you gave me: sell-sufficience please... no technoledgy for me, thanks... i've got my own world to live through, don't want to admit i'm just as you]
ack- got a hairball in my throat: i'd like to get this thing out
it's blocking me up
and maybe i'm starving again
and maybe i'm crying again
and maybe i'm asking again
and maybe you're not listening again
and you can't tell me what will fit your purpose
because i watched you walking up to me
taking off your disguises and decorations
taking off your masks and clothes
to slide into bed
lie down at my side
you came up to me to give me what i wanted
it wasn't what i wanted
nothing really fits inside
it's a place to keep the ideas
and the power in That is held in how you shape them
and the power in That is what kinda puzzle yr putting together
and the power in That is how you made your hands when you first thought of them [i only mean this time, i'm saying this because i know you've been ripping your fingers off and destroying your arms... i know you went out and bought someone else's design; don't think i didn't see you, fucker-t, making a new shape for excuses for yourself and them... i don't know anything but i'm watching what you're doing just so you know how important it could be to you someday]
i wonder what the army is doing in my house
[you don't understand]
[even if you do]
i want to know what joke you're playing
you told them to call this number
you told them to call this number for InSTRUCTions?
you fuck: who the hell are you to give in structions to the army?
i know you're not doing anything
[and i know i'm not doing anything]
but i still play the game [you taught me that, didn't you?]
you can't just go out and say
"i'ma gonna give ya some instructions"
"you learn to rely on ME now your vision is dead"
no no no no tv living no no no tv living
i don't endorse the tyranny of your waves ov instruction
mr fuck you t
mr it's ok, i forgive you
we all have our ways of taking that which we fear
fear
fear
[it's really not the thing to be afraid of, you know... it becomes really quite silly when you get to that point: you use it as a motivator and allow fear to work as fear, not as cement shoes from cliche'd italian gangsta movies [you grew up under a watchful eye and you probably stole it.. share it with your systers] ]
"NO. there is no escaping here. Who's the one? who's the lucky one?"
it's gonna be a glorious day
fill me up with ideas for a day
just to give me hands something to do
so i can fall apart
let me forget again
open
and let me free
you keep
you keep
proprietary
i'm scarred
under your thumb
in my hand
no
there is no escaping here
come on
who's the one?
who's the lucky three?
who's the million and a half?
who's the population overload?
who's gonna record all ov this
because we're gonna need to keep it locked up somewhere
and DNA is just a cop-out at this stage
anybody know just how much it can hold?
what are we losing?
i haven't learned the programming language yet
if you could send me the book with accompanying CD
source code
and sample programs
compiler
i need some instruction here
no
no
this is what i'm asking for
i
ummm
i started something
and now i'm Not too sure
[typical me]
you may
i need a pivot point
something i can rely on
to jump from rock to rock
and not fear it will shift
under my...
weight.
and
you know the rest?
"[dreams. adorations. illuminations. religions.]the whole boat-load of sensitive bullshit.[breakthroughs.over the river.flips and crucifixions.] gone down the flood.[Highs.epiphanies.despairs.tenyears'animalscreamsandsuicides.
minds.
new loves.
mad generation.
down the rocks of time.
real holy laughter in the river.
they saw it all.
the wild eyes.
the holy yells.
they bade farewell.
they jumped off the roof.
to solitude.
waving.
carrying flowers.
down to the river.
into the street.
]"
thank you, dear loved ones
for leaving me all alone
ah
a recognition
ah
some sig[h](n) at least
i got some relief
it came at last
or first
some where in the middle?
i cannot tell
i'm not there yet
i'm only asking for a crew
a team or two
us against us
you know
we're all doing it to knock down ourselves
you know
to make us better
to find our weak spot ["what are yr weaknesses? -or- if you were attacking yourself where would you strike?"]
and blow it open
it takes that, i think
cutting it out only leaves a hole
shattering the body
frees up energy for a new beginning
[ "i no longer feel a god is watching over me" ]
"and it's me again"
- "all my work has fallen through, and it's me again"?
- "choose me. i wish i didn't feel: i want to do bad things... and it's me again"?
i really think we should
i really think it's time
i mean
isn't that the secret here?
we have to dig back in?
push Ctrl-U?
see where it is we come from?
isn't that the method?
for rightly discerning
love
and order
love and reason
love and the desire
the one
the want
the movement
en et cetra
in
in
to flow up
and out
and open to bursting
like a lymphocyte when we know it's time
mmmmmmmm
"i'm ready for the push
i'm ready for what's next"
[no, i'd rather write out the waves of notes... like a move that passes through you; the infinite complexities of christmas; something rather impulsive, if this is dying]
but isn't that what happens from this dissatisfaction?
isn't that what happens when we get so accustumed to not getting what it is we want
isn't that what happens when we learn to starve?
when we learn to stop eating
and metabolize our muscle and our skin?
our organs... when we take what we can get when it's only ourself?
and it should be something that's really as a gift
like it's all you could give me
like i should stand and bow to you and say ' THANK YOU!
Thank YOU FOR THE EMPTINESS!
CHEERS!
TA!
i mean REALLY... fuck, if did become bored enough to eat what i'm being offered all the time i'd just be tired... too tired to go and find something else, too tired to go and find something i want. too tired to stop eating. too tired to really change what it was i was doing because i was too busy doing it to really work on what i'd half to do if i had to do anything besides what all was offered me... my only options layed out so clear'
and you'd just sit there and stare at me again
watching me Not eat
watching me not shove all of my holes full with food
wondering what the hell was WRONG with me
but thinking i may be quite cute
and wondering when i'd shut up again so you could just fantasize about sticking it in me
and you'd get fat between your legs
and you'd imagine and you'd hope
maybe i'd sit down
and do my home work
and just watch some tv
so you could get your hand down my pants
not for sex or anything
but because it was comfortable to have me there
comfortable to know i was through with talking
and asking you why you liked what you were eating
asking you why you were really content enough to drive-through and pick up and shit out and sit in the dark with acid-indigestion because "maybe the food was bad"
so it would be everything outside of you again
everything that you can't control
that you can just sit and hate
and your body would fold in again
you know the feeling
YEAH, collapse in again
when you tried to sleep again
without me there
or some other re-placeable distraction
no sounds comming from the hall
no one walking up the stairs into your room
no anchorman telling you the importance comming from cambodia
nothing as important as the world-news
just the dark
shadows on the ceiling
you on your back
or side
or stomach
face pressed into the pillow
wishing you could just fall asleep
so you wouldn't have to stare at anything anymore
and you wouldn't have to come up with excuses again
at least not for yourself
so you could just be quiet
at least with yourself
and you just take it all in
to avoid the emptiness inside
[you never bothered to fill it, eh? never bothered to digest what you ate... is that why you can handle so much? is that why you can spend so much time and pouring it in? it just passes right through you]
and your world becomes as disgusting as you really are
and sickness and war
a gun would be nice
something to stop the fucking nagging of a child who doesn't know a thing.
thin.
frail.
empty.
etc...