Aug. 16, 1998
The admonition goes: "Lead, Follow or Get the Heck Out of the Way!"
In my three years here at The Times, I've tried to lead some type of opposition to the takeover of our society by the Politically Correct movement. But I've now become convinced that we can't stop this left-wing juggernaut; the tide is kinda washing over our movement.
Since I'm a horrible follower (being an independent thinker), and since I absolutely hate standing on the sidelines, I've therefore decided to take the lead, and institute some new policies here at The Times. Henceforth, our prose will go to great lengths to adopt Politically Correct terminology, in an effort to avoid creating negative influences on anyone's self-esteem.
In feature stories, for example, we will never say anyone has a "beer gut." It will be noted they have Natural Liquid Grain Storage Capacity. Nor would you ever offer to buy that person a drink; instead, you will initiate an Alcohol-for-Conversation Exchange.
Likewise, we will never refer to anyone as "quiet" or "soft-spoken." They will be regarded as Conversationally Minimalist. And for obvious reasons, I personally abhor the term "balding;" henceforth, those with receding hairlines will be termed Follicly Challenged.
We no longer will describe anyone as "short" or "tall;" instead, they will be Anatomically Compact and Door-Jamb Challenged. Likewise, the term "redneck" is out; they will become Genetically-Related Americans.
These terms will obviously have quite an impact on our police-beat reporting. Those arrested for being falling-down drunk in public, for example, will be reported as being Accidentally Horizontal. Prisoners will no longer go to jail or prison; those facilities will hereafter referred to as Alternative Long-Term Time-Out Boxes.
Needless to say, our infusion of Policially Correct terminology will spill over into all sections of the paper, and we will expect it of the staff when dealing with everything from engagements and weddings to office gossip (which will hereafter be known as Inter-Office Unconfirmed Information Exchange).
As an example, we will discourage our employees from exchanging unconfirmed information about so-and-so marrying a much younger woman (or vice versa) and calling it "cradle robbing;" instead, they will be encouraged to realize the elder party merely has a preference for Generationally Different Relationships. By the same token, our employees will also be admonished for referring to anyone as a "spoiled little rich girl;" she should, of course, be given the description as a Politeness-Challenged Recipient of Massive Parental Asset Infusion.
My wife and I began infusing this terminology into our own private conversations shortly after we married in February, and I must admit, it has been helpful. As a result, what few disputes we develop simply don't seem as bad as others we've seen.
I, for example, do not hog the blankets; I am Thermally Unappreciative. Peg never gets lost while reading a map; she is a Discoverer of Alternative Destinations.
Nor am I termed a stupid, sexist pig when I notice that some other woman has a hot body; I suffer from Minimal Cranial Development because I develop Swine Empathy when in the presence of someone who is Physically Combustible.
And using Politically Correct terminology
is also beneficial when making other everyday references in our personal
lives. I'm looking forward to surprising Peg this year with the 24th
Annual Renewal of Her Twenty-First Birthday Celebration.