Pet Peeves
Sports
Topics covered in this document:
Introduction
I am NOT a sports fan!!!
In fact, if I were the king or dictator or emperor of a country, I
would make it against the law for anyone to participate in -- or even
to talk about -- sports of any kind.
Punishable by hanging. By the thumbs. After stripping the offender of
all their property. After forcing them to sit waist-deep in fresh bat
excrement for three days ... and eating only worms and grubs.
Well, okay ... maybe I wouldn't go quite that far. But I sure do feel
like it whenever I have to endure listening to some sports fanatic ramble
on and on about his or her favorite team.
I might be an ex-postal employee ... but I'm a mild-mannered one.
Well, I have a few questions for those who do like sports.
Win At All Costs
What is the purpose for sports in the first place? I can understand
the need for exercise ... and I'm not opposed to that. But in sports,
they go way beyond exercise.
No matter what the coaches say, you're out there for one reason ...
and one reason only ... to WIN ... at all costs.
Sure, coaches talk about the important thing being that you do your
best ... but what really counts to them is winning. Winning with a Capital
W.
That's what sports teaches us ... to win ... even if that means
cheating. Sure, they never actually say that ... but how long do you
think they'd keep a player on the team if they just tried their best,
but didn't win?
You don't make the big bucks for trying your best. You make the big
bucks by being the baddest, meanest, most aggressive player on the field.
Now that's a truly great attribute to be instilling in our youth.
Home Team
Why do most people support the home town team? If they win, does that
make your town better?
Does it make businesses want to move to your town and bring a better
economy with them? Do people from other towns stand in awe of you because
you come from the town where the winning team plays?
Will I be run out of town on a rail if I cheer for the other team?
And what do I do if there are no teams in my town? Should the town build
walls around the city and withdraw into a cocoon?
I'm sorry ... I just do not understand this one ... even though sports
fans have tried and tried to get it through my thick skull ... sometimes
by bashing my head like they see their heroes doing on the field. Nice
friends.
Stupid Stats
A related question is: why do some sports fans memorize all those stats?
It's about as useful in everyday life as knowing what the capitol of every
state is.
Yet I hear people stand around in groups and quote such and such a
player's stats ... and everyone nods before quoting someone else's stats.
Not me. I stand there and wonder what's the big deal?
But I don't say anything. All that aggression they've learned by
playing sports might be directed against me.
I can't even begin to guess how many brain cells have been squandered
memorizing that trivia.
I see young people every day who can quote all the latest player
stats ... but can't make the correct change without the cash register
telling them exactly how much they need to pull out of the cash drawer.
Socialized War
Sports is a form of socialized war. Just listen to the way sportscasters
announce the winners and you'll hear this one.
Teams don't win ... they crush their opponents. They whip ... they
trounce ... they stomp ... they topple ... they murder. The losers don't
just lose ... they are ridiculed.
Why do sporting events run overtime? Have they butted heads so often
that they can't tell time any more?
As a sports hater, should I be required to wait for the game to end
before the TV networks begin the show I'm interested in?
Personally, I think they should ban sports from the regular TV channels.
But I don't think that's a very popular position.
Non-Competitive Sports?
Some day maybe someone will convince me that there's a legitimate
reason to have sports in our lives.
Maybe when they invent a sporting event that is non-competitive
(non-combative might be a better term).
When I was a kid, I played sports because it was enjoyable. But since
I didn't have the required killer instinct, I was seldom picked when
the teams were being formed.
But that was okay because I always found a group who just wanted to
have a little fun while running around the playing field. I didn't have
to fear severe reprisal for swinging at the baseball three times and
missing ... or for not sending the volleyball over the net in three
or fewer hits. What mattered was the fact that we were outside ...
and playing.
Maybe some day I'll find a few other people like those old childhood
friends. People who play for the sheer joy of playing. People for whom
it still is true that it doesn't matter who wins (in fact, it would be
even better if they didn't keep score in the first place).
Until then, I guess I'll have to go through life on the outside ...
one of the few sports haters in the world.
Ah well.................
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