i wish that i could dance alone, even if people are watching.

i've reached the point where i can dance with someone else who's dancing, or with a group that's dancing, but i can't dance alone. even when i'm alone, i can't dance alone...all i do is stand there and sing. which is fine for what it's worth, but it's not worth all that much. and if i'm at a party, and some people are dancing, but i'm not with anyone who's dancing - or i'm not with anyone at all - i can't dance. all i can do is fade into the back. i make a very good wallflower, but i wish i could be any other flower instead.

i would love to dance under moonlight, hearing the music of the spheres. i want to dance with my eyes closed, not knowing and not caring who might see me. i want to move to the music in my head, to be graceful and cool and witty and fun and interesting and exciting and sophisticated. i want to trust that my steps will be right, will fit the rhythm, will match the beat, will not be clumsy or awkward or wrong. i want to believe that no one is watching me to see if i make a mistake, but i don't want to be ignored completely.

how can you be watched without feeling self-conscious? how can you think well of yourself without being conceited? how can you flirt without leading someone on? how can you be happy without making someone sad? how can you make someone understand that being true to yourself is an essential part of being yourself? how can you say no without hurting someone? how can you say yes without hurting yourself? how can you dance without music? how can you dance when nobody's watching? how can you dance when somebody's watching? how can you dance when everybody is watching you?


april 1999