Here I am, a newly-minted California girl -- though I think I'm probably not what the Beach Boys had in mind. I'm living out my dream, embarking on a whole new adventure...but of course right now, I just miss the comforts of "home," which I never thought I'd call New York. I miss knowing how to get everywhere, knowing which supermarket has the best produce, knowing who I can call on a moment's notice to go out for pizza at midnight. Of course, when I first moved to New York, I missed the comforts of college for the very same reasons, but eventually I learned all those things. And I know I'll learn them all in LA. But it's hard, so hard to be doing this all by myself. I wanted to do this -- I wanted this so badly -- but there are other things I want even more, things I gave up to get this. I'm a great second-guesser.  Don't it always seem to you that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? They paved paradise and they put up a parking lot. I really hope that this city, my Paradise City that I've built up so in my head, doesn't turn out to be just a parking lot. "What-ifs" scare me, but what if I'm right to be scared? Every time I make a big decision, I get a sinking feeling that I've chosen the wrong course, that I should've picked the other, that anyone else would have made a better and smarter decision -- because clearly 'anyone else' is better and smarter than I am, and knows better than I do what's right for me. Yes, I know I'm being ridiculous. But hey, I'm good at it.

You know I know baby, I don't want to go. That was the song I heard at brunch two days before I left. Bittersweet...do I want to go? It depends on who asks me. People who don't live in the city -- and especially people who live out west -- made me feel totally excited about going. But the people I care about most in New York made me so sad about leaving. Not on purpose...but they're reminders of how far I've come, how many friends I've made, how strong my ties are. I succeeded there far more than I thought possible. One logical way to look at that is, if I could do it once then I can do it again, start fresh and make a whole new batch of friends and roots. But there are times when I think that I was so successful there, maybe I've used up all my success...maybe I'm due for a failure, maybe maybe maybe.

So many faces in and out of my life, some will last, some will just be now and then. Life is a series of hellos and good-byes, I'm afraid it's time for good-bye again. Of course, that's from "Say Good-bye to Hollywood," and I'm just now saying hello...When you realize there's a whole continent between you and the people you're missing, the world seems so big and daunting. But when you remember that e-mail can cross a continent in an instant, and an airplane can get you there in a matter of hours, you realize how comfortingly small it really is.

Ahead were only bluest skies; I held my breath with every passing street-sign. The cab ride from the airport was surreal -- at first I didn't know where I was, but then suddenly I could recognize street names from the maps I've been looking at. So the places sounded familiar, even though they didn't look familiar. But it was sunny and warm, and the driver was nice. And so were the hotel people. And when they heard that this was not a vacation but a move, they welcomed me to Los Angeles and said I'd like it here. Also that "it's very different from New York." An understatement, to say the least.

My future's starting, I've got to let it. Deep breaths. Lots of deep breaths. This feels like the scariest thing I've ever done. I wonder if it really is. I made a note in my Visor for six months from now, 9 December 2002. At 8 a.m., it will beep at me and say, "It's been six months; how do you feel about LA?" Check back then for the answer.

Los Angelenos all come from somewhere, 'cause it's all so easy to become acquainted. Today was my first morning waking up in LA as a Californian. Here's hoping I'll become acquainted pretty quickly. Seven years ago yesterday I graduated from high school; three years ago today I graduated from college. Yesterday I started a new page, a new chapter of my life. I'm grateful that the previous chapter is still in my book, and I know I can revisit those pages. But I'm finally starting to shake off my fear. Who knows where the road may lead us? Only a fool would say. I'll just keep my eyes on the road, wherever it leads.