This is a selection of poems written during the loss of a baby and a recovery from depression and new life. All but two of the poems were written during this period of my life. A parent's grieving is a slow painful process. I don't know if these will help anyone, but they may let you know the feelings are normal and hit us at unexpected times. Time does heal the spirit, and we now have a beautiful daughter after another difficult pregnancy.

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Afraid to sleep
Afraid to wake up
the nightmare
a reality
I won't give in
won't close my eyes
Clinging
to a moronic hope

1996

I don't know where to turn
never aloud myself to want so much.
Now in a single moment
dreams are destroyed.

I keep praying
it's a mistake.
If I don't go, just wait
life will return.

I grieve selfishly.
Not wanting to hear
what others say.
Is life so trivial?

Can the pain and sorrow
vanquish with another life?
Can I find the courage
to accept and hope again?

Ten little fingers point toward the sky
Ten little toes perfectly formed
A quiet sleep without movement
One tear slips out, unnoticed

One small head with a tiny nose
Arms and legs, but no life flows
Keep searching, but no heart beats
The tears gush forth in conformation

1996

The door closes, your face remains.
My hand outstretched, reaching, longing
jabbed with a needle.
The lights bright, hideous
No vestige of emotion. Tears weld up, my hands strapped -
My checks wet. I have no tissue.
Nurses expedient in duty
No pangs of conscience visible
Everything sterile.
Robbing us
purging the waning hope.
Revealing the naked truth
a shattered aspiration  
The emptiness paralyzing, 
silence unbearable.
I want to scream - make them understand
Animosity growing, hands clenched.
My face hot and wet, fear consuming
The mask lowers, my eyes droop.
A hand brushes my check, soft, warm
You smile, cradling me
Together in knowing quietness
We express all.
No one else matters now.
Sorrow giving birth
to future dreams

1996

Trapped on the wrong side of a mirror
I witness, but am void of involvement.
The conversations becoming garrulous
Becoming more taciturn with each moment.  
Feeling like the moon
being gazed at through colored window panes.
Seeing a child's wonder and joy
without sensations or emotion.

POSTPARTUM

His chin like fine sandpaper, tickling my fingertips
Lips like satin, breath hot and moist.
The undercurrent dragging me away from the moment
My mind meandering through the tributaries
all at one time- flashes-
books, dishes, paint, death, grass, moon.
Sensing each touch, but without emotion
Wanting somehow to breakout in ecstasy
but unable to swim up stream.

A woman sits, her body racked with sobs
Who can understand the inner turbulence
She tries to rise from her depression
A man enters quietly,
wraps his arms around her
He sits silently holding her gently
His calmness flowing through her body
tears subdue,
her body still with exhaustion
She drifts to sleep, realizing someone cares

1991

Where Twilight and Dawn Kiss  

The gray area just before dawn
where reality and imagination merge
is paralyzing, yet empowering  
A quiet insanity encompasses
edged with intense emotion
An annoyance reason for annihilation
a smile - an elation
a single tear a sorrow  
The entanglement of twilight and dawn
without which our souls
cling to the mundane
dreams die
and creativity is never born  

1997

OBSESSIVE PAST

Hollow words attempting to comfort the soul
Silence shouting shameful truths.
Light blinding eyes to fulfillment
Darkness surrounding with disturbing emptiness,
memories overwhelming.  
Unfamiliar places awakening nostalgia
for youth, for life.
One memory linked to another
anchored in the past;
Traveling with us, catching us unawares.  
The pain sharp - vivid
Sinking into the pillow
for a reprisal, for denial
The rustling of the fluff
Echoing unending, hurting the ears.  
Guiltily, keeping ourselves repressed
Suppressing thoughts -
Mirroring expected morality.
Denying self
in fear of losing self-control.

Nightmare

The shadows lengthen
Night encroaches
Awakening old demons
who grow powerful
in the absence of light
Mocking, forcing me
to face my fears

1997

She stands immobile
staring in the looking glass
Her gown has small gapes
where the buttons tug from shrinkage
just a glimpse of soft white flesh
He watches her
sees nothing
beyond her hollow sockets
She's been talking of other children
even laughing, lately
But every evening
she leaves him
Only a sallow skeleton remains
and he turns away, a tear
rolling down
his shaven face
Suddenly a fear so gripping
she curls up
rocks back and forth
finally collapsing in exhaustion
He carries her to bed
and in the morning
has no memory of this

It seems like ages
since I could gaze at a baby
and not have my heart break;
have to rush from the room.
Longer still
since I could pat a head
and not weep.
Yet I held a babe today
and saw hope in its eyes.
Realized my little angel
would someday be
mine to hold again.

1997

I cry out in pain
wondering, wondering why
Is it fair Lord?
I only want to keep this life;
hold this child.
This cramping, throbbing
Will it not end?
I want Lord
I want Lord
I want...
Am I so selfish, Lord?
Why such fear;
bleeding, fatigue
nights of uncertainty
where I pray not to lose again.
Can I endure another month?
Is this the price for my sins
Will you forgive,
can you?
What have I done for this suffering?
Will you allow our hopes to surge
just to be dashed on the rocks.
Yet I have faith
must believe
must BELIEVE ...
Will I somehow grow in strength
from this seemingly unfair trial.

1997

Aimlessly wandering
the world a blur
a mother's grief unrelenting.
I find myself in an old cemetery
searching for a grave
I couldn't bear to face in 20 years;
Yet, I come having no other place.
He was in the Catholic section,
wherever that was.
I run my hands over
cold marble,
tracing my finger in the carved letters.
Finally in a back corner
a statue of the virgin mother,
the grass overgrown.
I search, search for a lamb.
I discover a small stone half covered;
a tiny etched lamb.
Disappointed I pull a handful of grass
"See I will not for get you
I will hold you in the palm of my hand"
plays over and over in my head.
I carefully tend the marker.
His was not
the courage of the battlefield:
But enemies fought within.
His bravery
was of needles and bone marrow transplants.
The courage to smile through it all
always thinking of others.
I could never be
as brave as my brother.
Why did I end up here?
Time passing without reason.
I talk about my sons,
changing denominations,
rambling on...
At the end of my prattle
I ask him to watch over my little one lost
with no grave, no name.
I hear his laughter echoing
a sense of peace
fills the air.
All fades
I awaken, the morning light
illuminating my room
and I am bathed
in some sense of contentment
and sanity.

1998

Uncomfortably, I move slowly
seeking a move comfortable sleep.
You lie so still, beautiful;
Envy creeps in like kudzu
silently stalking my thoughts
wrapping its tendrils around my brain
choking out reason.
Your hand reaches for mine
squeezing it gently.
I breathe deeply -
the vine withers.
I smile, holding your hand
in silence
in my uncomfortable
but content world:
Remembering our labor of love.

1997

I couldn't focus
didn't want to attend
but when I stared
into your eyes
I became reassured
They were so beautiful
can't recall the color
but I could feel
the love pouring out
Unconditional
radiating into my heart
overlooking imperfection
reaffirming my needs
encouraging
Your gaze the tenacity
in a miracle birth
which will be remembered
over all else

8/10/97

(This poem is dedicated to Linda, who was my strength during delivery)

Abatement

I hold you close
watching you suckle
laughing out loud
at your slurping sounds
Your eyes open
You pull away
Cooing and smiling
lighting up my world
Lying your head
next to my flesh
You close your eyes
reopening them briefly
to smile again
and I know no grief.

8/99