... Sagacious Sayings 4 ...

1. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
   He's all right now.

2. How do crazy people go through the forest?
   They take the psycho path.

3. How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
   She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

4. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
   Polaroids.

5. What do prisoners use to call each other?
   Cell phones.

6. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
   A stick.

7. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
   Nacho Cheese.

8. What do you call Santa's helpers?
   Subordinate Clauses.

9. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
   Quatro sinko.

10. What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk.

11. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    Frostbite.

12. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
    A pachydermatologist

13. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
    A pool table.

14. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
    Sanka.
    And what kind of lettuce?
    Iceberg.

15. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
    A nervous wreck.

16. Where do you find a no legged dog?
    Right where you left him.

17. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
    They all have phones.

18. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
    They're trying to get away from the noise.

19. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
    Because they have big fingers.

If you didn't find it so far, I'm sure you'll find it here. These are of unknown origin. And note that the usual ones, the "Better late's than ever," have been omitted.

1. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

2. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

7. A clean consciousness is the best pillow.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. A closed fist can neither take nor give.

10. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

11. A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition.

12. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

13. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

15. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

16. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

17. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

18. A fool and his money are soon partying.

19. A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.

20. A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

21. A kiss is a lovely trick of nature to stop speech.

22. A lie travels round the world while truth is still putting her boots on.

23. A man's doubts and fears are his worst enemies.

24. A preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.

25. A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.

26. A small spark ignites a large fire.

27. A synopsis of psychoanalysis ... your parents f*ck you up; they don't mean to, but they do.

28. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

29. A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.

30. A wise person learns from experience, but a wiser person learns from the experience of others.

31. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days the statue.

32. All change is not growth ... all movement is not forward.

33. All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.

34. All my life I wanted to be someone ... I guess I should have been more specific.

35. All things being equal, a circumferentially challenged person uses more soap than a one not so challenged.

36. All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.

37. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

38. Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

39. Always drink upstream from the herd.

40. Always remember, you are unique ... just like everyone else.

41. Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it.

42. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

43. An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.

44. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

45. And then I heard a voice say: Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

46. Anger is only one letter short of danger.

47. Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but no one can count the apples in a seed.

48. Anyone who angers you conquers you.

49. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

50. At the day's end you will be held accountable, not for what you have or have not done, but rather for what you have or have not done with what you have been given.

51. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

52. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse ... it'll be a great trade.

53. Attitude is the paint that colors any situation. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

54. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

55. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

56. Be sincere with your compliments ... most people can tell the difference between sugar and saccharine.

57. Beautiful young people are works of nature. But beautiful old people are works of art.

58. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

59. Beauty Parlor, a place where women curl up and dye.

60. Because something can not be measured does not mean it does not exist ... for some, the cockroach is more real than G-d.

61. Because something can not be proven does not mean that it is false.

62. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes (That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes).

63. Believe in yourself ... for within you is everything you'll ever need to make your dreams come true.

64. Better seek a wife among your neighbors whom you know than among strangers of whom you know nothing.

65. Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

66. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

67. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

68. Borrow money from pessimists ... they don't expect it back.

69. Boycott shampoo. Demand the REAL poo.

70. Bureaucrats cut red tape ... lengthwise.

71. By the time a woman is wise enough to select a husband, she has been married for years.

72. Chance favors the prepared mind.

73. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

74. Chastity is curable, if detected early.

75. Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

76. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

77. Compromise is always wrong when it means sacrificing a principle.

78. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

79. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

80. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines.

81. Death is very exiting, that's why I've saved it 'till last.

82. Death to all fanatics.

83. Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.

84. Department of Redundancy Department is a redundancy

85. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

86. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

87. Distress is a disease incurred by the exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

88. Do not forget to remember that one's good memory one loses while one's good memories one keeps.

89. Do not pray for an easy life; pray to be a strong person.

90. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

91. Do whatever feels good -as long as you do not hurt your self or anyone/anything else.

92. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

93. Don't be humble; you are not that great.

94. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

95. Don't be sexist; broads hate that.

96. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

97. Don't squat with your spurs on.

98. Don't steal, The government hate's the competition.

99. Don't sweat petty things ... or pet sweaty things.

100. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will effectively suffice.

101. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

102. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

103. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

104. Each person at peace, brings more peace to the world.

105. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

106. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway ... a variation is: "With proper diet, rest, and exercise, a healthy body will last a lifetime.

107. Education is what you have left over after you have forgotten everything you have learned.

108. Egotist ... a person more interested in himself than in me.

109. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

110. Every family tree has some sap in it.

111. Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

112. Every soul is entrusted with a mission unique to it alone, and is granted the specific aptitudes, talents and resources necessary to excel in its ordained role. One must take care not to become one of those 'lost souls' who wander through life trying its hand at every field of endeavor except for what is truly and inherently its own.

113. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

114. Everybody repeat after me. "We are all individuals."

115. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

116. Expect a little a lot.

117. Expect nothing, be ready for everything.

118. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

119. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

120. Failure doesn't mean you will never succeed ... just means it will just take longer.

121. Faith is believing in something whatever the evidence, despite the evidence or despite the fact that you might know it isn't true.

122. Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy it but don't swallow it.

123. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

124. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

125. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

126. Forgiveness is the fragrance that the flower leaves on the heel of the one that crushed it.

127. G-d gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it in its nest ... meaning? You have to pick your butt up, pal, nobody's going to hand it to you.

128. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

129. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

130. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a lot of money.

131. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

132. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

133. Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

134. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Just think of Robert Fulton; they laughed at him, but he still invented the fish market ... or was it the steamboat ... a rowboat?

135. Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is optional.