______ _______ __ _____ / | \ \___ / .-- | .------' \ / / | / \ _____/ / /______| / / _____ _____ _____ | /| / \ / / | / | / .------' .----- / / __ / | / | / / \ / / / | |/ |/ / / /_____ /_____ / | ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- T H E N E X T C O M P U T A T I O N ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Earthdate: 20-Oct-1993 Large, majestic, awesome, etc shot of space. Galaxies and planets drift past imposingly. A sleek ship bearing an uncanny resemblance to a CD-ROM player edges into view, as a Shakespearean voice intones...] Workspace... the file frontier. These are the voyages of the StarChip Intelprise, revision 2.01. Its ongoing mission: to explore strange new industries. To seek out new markets, and new product specifications. To boldly sell what no one has sold before! Don't touch that dial! You are tuned to... Star Wreck: The Next Computation [Interior shot, Intelprise bridge. The crew is assembled for a briefing. Captain ROM-Loop Picosecond is speaking...] Pico: Once more unto the bridge, dear friends, once more... oh, I see you're all here. Good, I can begin. As you know, it has been nearly a century since my predecessor, Captain James T Kernal, took command of the first Intelprise. Much has changed in the software galaxy since then. The C-lingos and the Unix Empire have renounced their warlike ways. Hackers have been eliminated, and GOTO statements are outlawed. Modula-2 and C are the official languages of the United Federation of Programmers. But many difficulties between cultures still remain. Our mission, should we decide to accept it, which is too late anyway since we're all here, is to build Friendship And Understanding Between All Sentient Programs In The Database... [Here Pico is interrupted by the robotic Lieutenant Commander Daytimer.] Daytimer: As a highly advanced artificially intelligent palmtop, sir, I would like to advise you that you are boring the crew stiff, sir. I would estimate lethal paralysis in approximately 2.5 minutes - Pico [sourly]: Thank you, Daytimer, I'm sure that's very interesting. Daytimer: You are welcome, sir. You also have three appointments due in the next hour, and a video communication from Starbyte Command coming in on line 7. Shall I tell them to hold, sir? Pico: No, put it on the screen... [A window opens with a blurry image of a remote Federation outpost on the experimental planet Analog. Static obscures a distressed face...] Face: Help us! Somebody help us! We're doomed! We're about to shuffle off this mortal coil... Pico: Hey, I'll do the Shakespeare quoting around here, ok? So what's your problem anyway? Face: Interfaces! Pico: No, I'm not really. I'm into clever special effects and mood lighting. Face: Not 'into faces', interfaces! They're all around us! Hundreds of them! They're going to strangle us - [Picture suddenly vanishes. There is a distressing silence.] Pico: Well, that solves his problem then. First Officer WriteLn: Sir! You're not just going to abandon them? Pico [sighs]: Very well, Number One. Set course for the Analog system, warp nine. At least we'll get a good 'accelerate to warp speed' shot out of it... [Intelprise obligingly zooms through the space-time continuum at super- light-speed. Stars fly past the observation ports...] The C-lingon Lieutenant For(;;): GRR! SIR, I'M PICKING UP SOME SUB-SPACE INTERFERENCE ON THE SCANNERS. I BELIEVE IT'S A CLOAKED WORM-2-LAN SHIP, SIR! WriteLn: The Worm-2-LANs! They're the deadliest race in the universe! I remember Starbyte legends about them... how they hide in abandoned file servers and wreak havoc among innocent data. Daytimer: As I recall, they evolved from a hybrid of Virus mutations, combined with a freak accident at a Network manufacturer. Pico: Quite so. They are rumoured to cause all sorts of mysterious network malfunctions. I wonder what their involvement in this case is? [His question is immediately answered. A disembodied voice echoes menacingly through the bridge...] Voice: Ah, Captain Picosecond. Such a pleasure meeting you, ha, ha. A pity it will be our last encounter! Hee hee hee... Pico: What in high memory was that? Arrggh... [he collapses] WriteLn: Sir! What's wrong? [He bends over the Captain, and collapses too] Daytimer: It seems that the Worm-2-LANs have developed a new secret weapon. They are bombarding us with meaningless information to wear down our defences. I believe they call it 'The Novell Documentation Manaeuvre'. We must evacuate the bridge! For(;;): COMMANDER, SHALL I BLAST THEIR ADDRESS SPACE INTO SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES? Daytimer: I would not recommend that action, For(;;). For(;;): BUT I WOULD ENJOY IT. IT WOULD ONLY TAKE A FEW LOW-LEVEL INSTRUCTIONS... Daytimer: We must use logic to solve this problem, For(;;). The Worm-2-LANs have control of Pico and WriteLn. If we were to destroy them, we would lose our Captain and First Officer, not to mention our reputation for structured programming. For(;;): GRR! CAN'T A C PROGRAMMER HAVE ANY FUN AROUND HERE? Daytimer: I do not know the meaning of fun, For(;;). I am a palmtop. However, perhaps if we beamed aboard the Worm-2-LAN vessel, we could investigate further. For(;;): GGGRREAT! I'LL CHARGE MY DISASSEMBLER IMMEDIATELY! [Daytimer and For(;;) step into the Transputer and emerge within the enemy ship. It is dark and grimy. Raw metallic bulkheads cast terrifying shadows, and shapeless bits of data ooze sickeningly out of disgusting corners...] Daytimer: If I had human emotions, I would be scared witless right now... For(;;): WONDERFUL! THIS IS JUST LIKE HOME! [Suddenly they are startled by a loathsome apparition...] Thing: Welcome to my little den of iniquity, gentlem - er, persons - er, entities. My name is Hex 2B, my game is rampant and wanton destruction of all intelligent data! Who shall I vaporise first? That's an interesting question. For(;;): I DON'T THINK SO. 2B OR NOT 2B - THAT IS THE QUESTION! 2B: What, a scholarly C-lingon? I don't believe it! For(;;): BELIEVE IT. [He wields a savage-looking subroutine.] GO AHEAD - MAKE MY ALGORITHM! [The two creatures fight. For(;;) encircles 2B in a tight loop. Soon he has the beast begging for mercy...] 2B: No! Don't delete me! I know I haven't been a good network citizen... but you can't blame me. It's my background, I was born in an 8088... I'll reform, really I will, just don't hit me with that blitter... Daytimer: Do you know anything about the planet Analog? 2B: Yes, we've been besieging it, but it was a sitting duck already. They've got so many incompatible hardware types that it was an accident waiting to happen. Please let me go now, I'll call off my troops. It's all been a terrible misunderstanding... [For(;;) and Daytimer leave the thing grovelling and beam out. Normality is being restored to the Intelprise...] Pico: As much as I hate to admit it, your barbaric savagery saved the day, For(;;). I'll leave this incident out of my report to Starbyte - this time. But if it happens again, there'd better be a good structured reason! For(;;) [under his breath]: SOME THANKS I GET. NOBODY LIKES LOW-LEVEL CODERS ANYWAY. I THINK I'LL GO DOWN TO THE HOLODECK AND REINITIALISE MY BOOT SECTOR... WriteLn: Sir, we have made contact with the Federation base on Analog. Dr Crasher and Counsellor Tron are beaming down to tend to the survivors and assist in rebuilding the application. It looks like the mission is going to be a complete success! Pico [smugly]: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Daytimer: Who is Romeo, sir? Our computers cannot locate him on the ship. Pico: Oh, shut up... THE END STAR WRECK: THE NEXT COMPUTATION is a sequel to the galactic-wide best selling and incredibly funny text-file series, STAR WRECK, written and produced entirely singlehandedly by the witty, intelligent, handsome, and breathtakingly modest NATE CULL. Any resemblance to the Paramount Pictures TV production, 'Star Trek: The Next Generation', is entirely intentional, however all the other stuff in here is merely a figment of my demented imagination. May the 486 be with you! (Oops, sorry, wrong movie). Copyright (C) 1993 by Nate Cull, culln@xtra.co.nz