[Space. A comet drifts past mysteriously, heading towards a strange station shaped like a silvery disk. There is a brief flash from beyond and a ship zooms toward us.] Voice-over: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages - oops, wrong spin-off. No voyages. This is a space station. Space stations don't voyage, do they? No they don't. They just sit there and... what, no voice-over either? But I've always done the voice-over! See what I mean? How do you expect to have a Star Wreck series without a voyage or a voice-over? Voice 2: Quiet! You're embarrassing the audience. Anyway, this is the new-look post-Roddenberry Star Wreck. We don't do voyages and voice-overs anymore. We're into serious social commentary here. Starving planets, oppressive regimes, freedom fighters, casinos, shape-shifters and cute little black kids. Voice 1: No voyages? Voice 2: No voyages. Voice 1: Then why is our newest show called "Voyager"? Voice 2: Oh, ALL right. Anything for peace. These are the, umm, adventures of Station DS0, its ongoing mission to, er, sit around and wait for ships to dock. There, does that satisfy you? Voice 1: What about the boldly going bit? Voice 2: NO! We don't boldly go ANYWHERE. We are a space station. They come to us. Got that? Besides, it's a split infinitive. Voice 1: But everyone quotes that line. Even if they can't remember the rest of the voice-over. Voice 2: (sigh) There - is - no - voice - over - any - more. There - are - no - voyages. And - there - will - be - NO - SPLIT - INFINITIVES. PERIOD. Voice 1: Please? Pretty please with holosuites and gold-pressed latinum? Voice 2: (double sigh) ALL RIGHT! But don't you dare quote me. "These are the adventures of Station Dee-Ess-Zero. Its ongoing mission: to be explored by strange new worlds. To be sought out by new life forms, and new civilisations. To be boldly come to from where no man has come from before!" Voice 1: There. I knew you could do it. Voice 2: Shut up. It sounded silly. Voice 1: Of course! It's supposed to be silly, this is S T A R W R E C K D I S K S P A C E N O N E [The ship zooming towards us suddenly swerves to avoid the comet which it hasn't seen. It veers around, looping all over the sky, and finally comes at us directly head-on. There is a strangled yelp and the camera shatters.] 'Where No One Would Ever Want To Go Again' [The Forecourt. Quartz, the ForNexti bartender, is serving dubious looking concoctions to shady customers. The doors hiss open and Commander Benjamin Fixcode enters. The doors hiss closed.] Fixcode: Quartz, I wish you'd fix those doors. Can't you make them quieter or something? Quartz: What? Me do systems programming? Commander, that's your job. I'm just a humble ForNexti, writing BASIC multimedia programs for all the excitement-starved masses out there. Fixcode: But they aren't debugged. And you sell them for triple what they're worth. Quartz: Hey, can I help it if I have a natural aptitude for business? Fixcode: I wonder what Ono would think about that. Quartz: Look, Commander, let's be reasonable. The Gamer Quadrant is the wave of the future. Ever since this CD-ROM opened up in the Kludjoran sector, our world's been turned into a boomtown. There's a multimedia stampede going on. If someone like yourself wanted to get in at the ground floor, I could arrange... Fixcode: You mean you want me to cover for you, Quartz? Quartz: Nothing illegal, Commander. Just a little, shall we say, broadmindedness about my activities. For business' sake. I can get hold of software at, er, a high discount... Fixcode: I have a station to run, Quartz. You have an arcade on this station. I hardly think that puts you in a position to bargain, does it? Quartz: Fine. Be like that. Just don't expect me to give you advance copies of "Mutant Toadstools from Hell" when it comes out. Fixcode: I'll bear that in mind. [He orders a drink, and is about to taste it when it jerks in his hands.] Fixcode: What the...? [He drops it, scalded. It falls onto the counter and morphs into the figure of Security Chief Ono.] Fixcode: Oh, it's just you, Constable. I wish you wouldn't do that with my food. Can't you be a chair or a lampstand or something? Ono: I find the element of suprise is the best weapon, Commander. [to Quartz] So, my little space merchant. You were planning to pirate commercial software, were you? Quartz: No, no, it's all a misunderstanding. Commander Fixcode and I were having a friendly chat, that's all. Ono: I see. Well, keep it that way. I think I'll go and check on your customers. [Morphs into a casino chip and bounces over to a table]. Quartz: He hates me. He's always hated me. I don't know why you ever let a polymorphic virus become security chief. Fixcode: Maybe because I trust him more than I trust you, Quartz. [The replicator behind him morphs into a palm tree, then a lampshade, then a shapeless red blob, then an octopus. It taps Fixcode and Quartz on the back with two of its tentacles, then turns back into Ono. He grunts and walks away.] Fixcode: Or maybe not. [His combadge bleeps.] Badge: Commander, it's Major Kilo. There's something really strange coming through the CD-ROM drive. Fixcode: I'm on my way. [He leaves the forecourt.] * * * [The operations room of Disk Space None. Major Kilo, the station's Kludjoran representative, is scanning a console. She is assisted by a beautiful young woman, Jazzier Vax. Fixcode enters.] Kilo: Commander, the CD-ROM is spinning, but nothing seems to be happening. Fixcode: Hmm. What do you think it might be? Some new Gamer Quadrant race come to make contact? Vax: It's a vessel, but I'm getting strange readings. It seems to be phasing in and out of our space-time continuum. Fixcode: Any identifying features? Kilo: It appears to be a new version of Microsoft Windows. Hang on, they're hailing us. Vax: Microsoft?? Oh no! Ben, you don't want to mess with them...! [Fixcode ignores her and puts the signal onscreen. A blurry figure appears.] Screen: Greetings - customers - we - [crackle] - are Windows 95 [pop] We come many [snap] lightyears from the Gamer Quadrant to bring you [hiss] greatest product in [whistle] galaxy. [Whine] Many many new features. [Roar] Good good very good coming soon very soon Real Soon Now... [Peyoww! Signal vanishes] Kilo: They're launching a small product announcement shuttle. It's coming through the temporal distortion now. Shall I let them dock? Vax: No! Commander, don't let them near! You don't know what they'll do to us. Fixcode: I can't turn them away. It's Starbyte policy to welcome all alien applications. [to Kilo] Open the docking ring. * * * [The shuttle approaches the station and prepares to dock. Fixcode, Kilo, Vax and Odo wait by the airlock to welcome the visitors. They are joined by Dr Julian Smashir, the station's medical officer. He tries to strike up a conversation with the lovely Jazzier.] Smashir: So, Jazzier, what do you know about Microsoft products? Vax: Julian, when will you learn that you're wasting your time? I'm a Chill, a joined species. I may have the body of a young Macintosh application, but inside I have the mind of - Smashir: - a 1960's mainframe. I know. But even your heart can't be that cold. I'm only interested in having a little fun. A romantic candle-light debugging session perhaps? You could teach me about assembly language programming. Or Unix command lines. Vax: Julian, have you ever tried to code in raw hexadecimal? Smashir: No. Vax: Good. Believe me, you don't want to learn. Smashir: Come on. How hard can it be? Vax: [smiles] About this hard. [She makes a cryptic gesture with her right typing finger. An invisible force hurls Smashir backwards.] Smashir: [staggering] I knew it! She likes me! [The airlock door opens. A squad of salesmen dressed in identical blue and white suits, waving multicoloured flags, step out. They are led by a short figure with glasses]. Fixcode: Welcome to Disk Space None. I am Commander Benjamin Fixcode of the United Federation of Programmers. Figure: And have I got a deal for you, Mister Fixcode! Pleased to meet you! I'm William Gates of Microsoft Corporation. Can we go somewhere private and talk? I'm sure you're going to just love our new operating system. It's shipping right now, even as we speak... [A strange shimmering energy field passes over Gates, and his nose grows a few inches longer. Suddenly the station shudders. Sirens scream and lights flash down every corridor.] Kilo: We're under attack! A vessel has passed through the CD-ROM and is firing at us! Gates: Cursors! It's the OS/2 fleet! They're trying to steal our market share! Ono: That's hardly likely. They're firing so wildly they'd be lucky to hit the broad side of a planet. Gates: We must do something! Activate the temporal field! Advance the release date! Vax: No! [Jumps Gates and wrestles with him, but his sales squad throw her to the ground. He pushes a small button on his belt, and... ... and Vax falls onto a grassy field. She looks around. Ono, Fixcode, Smashir and Kilo are there. The station has vanished. Gates is nowhere to be seen.] Fixcode: Where are we? What happened? Vax: I'm not sure. But I think that we've fallen through a temporal rift. If my calculations are accurate, we're now on the surface of Kludjor, about two decades in the past. Kilo: Uh oh! That means we're in the middle of the Card-hasslean wars! Smashir: [turns a little green] Er... how do we get back? Vax: That depends on whether we *can* get back. [smiles] Well, Julian, it seems you might get your wish. Smashir: [gulp] This wasn't exactly what I had in mind. * * * [They walk some distance and come to the crest of a small hill. Below, in the valley, a dark-clad army is beseiging a Kludjoran village.] Kilo: That's them all right. They're attacking those innocent users with multiple interrupt and device driver conflicts. Standard Card-hasslean technique. First they push us to the edge of sanity, then they march in and take over our lives. And they destroy every trace of our former culture. Ono: [nods] Subtle. I like that. Kilo: Ono, did anyone ever tell you you have a rock for a heart? Ono: Only once. I shot him. But thanks for the compliment. Kilo: You're welcome. Ono: Actually, I am a very sensitive soul. I just mask it with a tough exterior. Did you know I watched 'Return of the Jedi' sixteen times and cried through every one? Smashir: Because Yoda died? Ono: No, because Darth Vader went soft. Vax: [smiles] Commander, I have a plan. Smashir: We run away very very fast? Vax: I was thinking more along the lines of singlehandedly destroying the entire Card-hasslean army and rescuing the villagers. Smashir: That's what I was afraid of. Vax: But you see, we can use Ono's shapeshifting abilities. He could infiltrate the enemy lines, confuse their command post and give us a chance to sneak into the village. Ono: Sounds good to me. I've been just dying to wreak havoc on a few unsuspecting circuits. [Turns into a Card-hasslean troopship and flies down the hill.] Fixcode: Hmm. There are times I'm glad there's only one of his kind. [The attacking army inexplicably begins to turn on itself, and in a very spectacular firefight half the hillside is destroyed. Showers of molten metal fall down beside the group. One particularly large puddle forms itself back into the shape of Ono, but with a metallic silver-grey colour and a red glint in his eye.] Ono: You - are - marked - for - termination. Smashir: What??? Ono: [normally] Oh, nothing. Just a little gag I picked up on my travels. Effective, don't you think? Smashir: [shivers] Yes. Quite. Ono: It's clear. We can go down now. [Pauses, shakes his head regretfully at the carnage.] They just don't make battle cruisers like they used to, do they? One little shot and they all fall apart. [Kilo is looking worried.] Fixcode: Kilo? What's wrong? Kilo: I remember this battle. It was one of the great moments in Kludjoran history. [recites] "Long they battled, deep in struggle Keyboards bent in solemn toil, Manuals open, disks and cables Strewn in anguished desperation, Scattered on the cluttered benchtop, Wrestling with the system unit. Tried they to reboot the system, But with terror and disaster Met they when their software loaded, Saw they then the dreaded error, BAD COMMAND OR FILENAME, Glowing dimly in the darkness, In their horror and their darkness. Great was then their mournful wailing Till the heroes unknown heard them, Drove the demon forces skywards, Plunged their enemies to ruin, Never more to be remembered, Never more to trouble Kludjor, Till the following Thursday morning, When the system crashed again..." Well, you get the idea. There are many more stories told about the mysterious heroes who scattered the Card-hasslean forces. They all refer to this very village, by name. Fixcode: Interesting. So by travelling into the past we've actually created a piece of history? Kilo: Yes. But what will happen if we enter the village? We might alter the structure of space-time and create a paradox that shatters the very nature of reality itself! Vax: I wouldn't worry too much. Star Wreck has been doing that for years. Kilo: But that's not the worst part. I just remembered that the legends describe what happened to the heroes next. Smashir: And? Kilo: They died about five minutes later. Smashir: Oh. [pause] What did they die of? Kilo: An overdose of thermonuclear warheads. The entire continent was obliterated in a Card-hasslean revenge attack. Fixcode: Let me get this straight. We've fallen through a time-rip, accidentally saved a Kludjoran village from an enemy attack, become legendary heroes, and then caused half the planet's destruction and our own untimely deaths, all within the space of five minutes? Kilo: That's about right. Gives you a wonderful feeling of accomplishment, doesn't it? Fixcode: [sighs] Well, lets go into the village anyway. Maybe we can find something to make our last moments more bearable. Vax: There's an old Chill meditation on the meaning of apathy. I could try teaching you.... nah, it's not worth it. Smashir: [aside] I don't know about these guys, but I could sure use a commercial break about now. * * * [They enter the village. It is divided into a maze of small cubicles, and scattered disks, keyboards and coffee mugs lie on the ground. Torn printouts and cables bear witness to the devastating attack the place has suffered. Some villagers wander around muttering strange incantations like 'DO UNTIL EOF' and 'IF NOT EQUAL GOSUB 14674'. A mysterious old woman walks up the the party and greets them.] Woman: Welcome, strangers. I am Qwerty, the spiritual leader of this village. Can I help you? Fixcode: Er. I'm not sure. I'm Commander Benjamin Fixcode of Station Disk Space None, and these are my crew. You see, we've - Qwerty: - fallen through a rip in the space-time continuum and you want to get back home? Fixcode: Amazing! You read my mind? Qwerty: No, it was a lucky guess. Happens a lot around here. But you'd better hurry. There isn't much time left. Fixcode: I know. The Card-hassleans are about to vaporise the planet and it's all our fault. I'm sorry. Qwerty: Commander, things are not always what they seem. Especially when what they seem is not what they are. Fixcode: Huh??? Qwerty: Never mind. Let's just say, you are not the only ones to be meddling with the fabric of space-time. We of this village were just about to start 'Operation Daylight Saving' when you arrived. Kilo: Daylight Saving? You mean, when everyone sets their clocks forward an hour? Qwerty: Close. Actually, we're thinking more like setting the entire continent forward a couple of decades. [points to a glowing green crystal in the centre of the village] Unfortunately, we bought this clock crystal second-hand from some ForNexti traders and now we can't get it to work. It must have worked in reverse the first time we tried it, and brought you here. Vax: Hmm. I might be able to fix it. I've seen that design not long ago, oh, about two or three centuries back... [she goes to work] Smashir: What a mind. You know, one day, Jazzier, I'll find something that you can't do. Vax: If you don't stop annoying me, Julian, that might just be today. Smashir: This could be worth my while. Ono: I hate to interrupt this touching scene, but a squadron of warships is heading our way. I'd say we have about forty seconds left. Fixcode: Vax, how long will it take to fix the crystal? Vax: Nearly done, Commander. [The skies begin to darken. A roar of engines approaches.] Qwerty: Everyone, get around the crystal. We've only got one chance at this. [The engines get louder. Qwerty begins making arcane gestures around the crystal. Vax crawls out from underneath it and nods to Fixcode.] Qwerty: And now for the key words: "Advance - the - release - date!" [She pulls a hidden lever. The crystal glows brilliantly. Overhead, the Card-hasslean ships release their nuclear warheads. There is a sudden silence, and everything vanishes....] [... and Vax falls onto the airlock floor. She staggers to her feet, and looks around. Fixcode, Kilo, Smashir and Ono are getting up too.] Kilo: We're back! Fixcode: And William Gates has gone. He must have sent himself through the time rift instead. Smashir: Where's Qwerty? Vax: According to the sensors, a new continent has just appeared on the far side of Kludjor. It looks like they've got back okay. Fixcode: That's it for this episode then. We've saved another civilisation from certain doom. And we've all learned a valuable lesson. Kilo: Yes? What would that be? Fixcode: "Never trust a ForNexti." Quartz: But I didn't even do anything this episode! Ono: What a pity. I'll have to arrest you for negligence then. Smashir: [aside] And that's just another day in the life of Station Disk Space None. You might think it's cute, but I have to work with these guys all day. Sometimes I can't imagine why I ever wanted to sign up for this assignment. Vax: Oh, Julian, about that candlelight dinner tonight? Maybe I'll take you up on your offer. If you're still interested. Smashir: And then sometimes I can. * * * Voice 1: Closing credits! At least I get to read the closing credits? Voice 2: Sorry. Rules are rules. Voice 1: Well, that's just not fai - Voice 2: Goodnight, and thank you for reading 'Star Wreck: Disk Space None'. This has been a continuing episode in the 'Star Wreck' saga, following the (now defunct) 'Star Wreck' text file series and 'Star Wreck: The Next Computation'. If you found these parodies enjoyable, you probably watch too much Star Trek and spend too much time playing with IBM PC computers. But then you know that already. What you mightn't know is that you can also get 'Star Wars: A Next Generation Odyssey', 'Quantum Leap: Back to the Terminator', and 'The Treks-Files', SF spoof-crossover stories written in the same vein. If you're a hard-core Trekkie, you might be interested in a series of 'real' ST:TNG stories written by the same author: 'A Kingdom For A Stage', 'The Pandora Syndrome', 'All The King's Horses', and 'Rite of Passage'. But then again, you might not. To contact the author - Voice 1: Ha! Thought you could get rid of me that easily, huh? Well, I'm back! And are you going to regret it! I'll make you pay! I'll - Voice 2: Quiet! We're still on the air! And what are you doing with that thesaurus...? You wouldn't... would you? Voice 1: You'll find out. Sorry about this, everyone. The author can be contacted on FidoNet NetMail as: Username: Nate Cull Node: 3:770/505 (Southern Vortex BBS, Christchurch, NZ) and has been known to lurk on the Fido NZ Science Fiction echo (where most of these text files were first broadcast). Voice 2: No! Please! I'll let you do as many voiceovers as you want! Just DON'T SPLIT THAT INFINITIVE.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [The End] Copyright (C) 1995 by Nate Cull, culln@xtra.co.nz