Various extremes have been proposed, from strict asceticism to unbridled promiscuity, from traditional marital fidelity to serial monogamy. The Axioms specify "fidelity to the true companion" whilst characteristically being vague about details.

Physically to practice celibacy or fidelity to one partner is no big deal - I've had 30 years of the first and 21 years of the second (quick calculators will wonder about the remaining 4 years - your question, my answer!). On the otheer hand, to practice celibacy or fidelity with heart and mind is an almost impossible task, reserved for truly exceptional spiritual beings. For the rest of us we must accept our nature as sexual animals.

Whatever we may be doing with our conscious mind, we are unconsciously sending sexual messages to one another, by means of body language, subtle inflections, double-entendres and so on, and we are receiving the sexual messages sent by others.

Whenever two males are together, there are messages flowing back and forth delineating territory and preparing for a possible competition for available partners.

Whenever males and females are together, there is a communication protocol under way to advertise one's own suitability as mate and evaluate the other's availabilty, readiness and suitability.

Whenever two females are together... I don't know what happens and the chance of getting an honest answer is fairly remote!

Underneath it all there is a part of us which would practise the morality of the red deer or the sea elephant, where a leading male secures a harem and the rest have to make do with what is elsewhere available or can be surreptitiously won whilst the leader is not paying attention. And whilst we are carrying on with our daily lives as responsible citizens, we are still responding emotionally at this other level - pride at a conquest, annoyance at being pipped at the post, despair at the prospect of a lifetime of not being in the top rank of the sexual hierarchy.

What to do? Suppression of these basic reactions is unhealthy, probably impossible and does not in any case solve the problem. Here are a few ideas:

1. Accept these unconscious drives and make them conscious. Play the game and enjoy it. But remember it is a game and don't let it be a main goal in life; concentrate on spiritual goals. If you win, don't accept the prize; if you lose, be a good loser and don't let the defeat upset you.
2. Be trusting and sympathetic with a partner who is also playing the game. He/she is human too.
3. Practice detachment by being aware of the separateness of that part of yourself which is preoccupied with sexual matters. Try a mantra such as that used in psychosynthesis therapy to achieve "disidentification":
   • I have a body but I am not my body.
   • I have emotions but I am not my emotions.
   • I have desires but I am not my desires...
   • I am a centre of pure self-consciousness and will.
4. In your quest for a life partner keep the long term nature of the relationship fully in focus. Try to see past the superficial attractions and look for evidence of communication, cooperation, consciousness and control:
   • Communication - you don't have to be on the same wavelength but should be able to receive one another loud and clear
   • Cooperation - he/she will be able to support you on your spiritual journey without attempting to dictate the direction of travel
   • Consciousness - he/she is aware of the deep factors which may play a (possibly destabilizing) role in a relationship and the way they have their effect
   • (Self-)Control - he/she is capable of saying "No" to a development that would be destructive to the long term relationship
5. Remember that age differences (as well as differences of race, religion and social history) are of themselves completely unimportant when evaluating the long term prospects of a relationship (yours or somebody else's) - but there may be practical considerations to be borne in mind.
6. Don't throw away everything you've got in order to follow a temporary illusion that the grass is greener somewhere else. It rarely is (exceptions in the case of those subjected to physical or spiritual humiliation).
7. Don't be afraid to call a spade a spade and express your opinion about practices you consider unnatural, deviant or repugnant. Political correctness has, in my opinion, gone too far in some directions.
8. Don't let anyone tell you that sexual gratification is a basic human need like eating and drinking - it's important but different, and quite easy to survive without.
9. Be yourself - don't spend your energy trying to mimic the popular image of the "perfect male" or "perfect female" - if it doesn't fit you, it's going to show. The path to love, emotional fulfilment and self-realization is built on absolute honesty.
10. Extend your love to all living beings, but choose the appropriate method of expressing this love. And save the ultimate expression of love for your life partner.

PIERS
Clement

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Last updated 25.4.2003