After this, I'll be breaking down my computer for packing, and then looking ahead to loading up for moving. I think about leaving the apartment that has been my home for nearing two years now, and it has given me cause to reflect upon my time here in DC: why I came out here, what has happened to me with the events and relationships I've experienced since being here, and who I have grown into as a result now that I am preparing to move.

I had literally fled here, running from some things in my life that had grown too oppressive for me to deal with in Chicago and which had become too consuming for me to be able to put behind me and start fresh while still surrounded by reminders of certain things. While here, I have made some friends and lost some other ones, and perhaps tried still a few more with the amount of time I've spent long-distance calling to some far away from here. :)

I had never really been responsible for myself before I came here. Yeah, I was on my own in the dorms in college, but still had the University safety net around me; and I did live in an apartment in Chicago before moving to DC, but there with two roommates who were both very good in looking after me and keeping me on an even keel, and we were still in the campus neighborhood anyway to still have some of the familiarity of the University around. And with the nearly 14 hour work-days I was putting in then, I was too exhausted to think about much besides going to work and going to sleep.

But here...particularly after I moved into this apartment, it was just me. No one but myself to do the cooking and cleaning, taking care of paying rent and other bills, and no one to blame either if those didn't get done. No one to provide a curfew or other restrictions on my movements (at least not til September 11th, when the government started restricting _everything_ around here; it's been really discouraging to watch the proliferation of metal detectors and bag searches at places that used to be freely open and accessible, like the Smithsonians).

I think about what I've gained: confidence in my own responsibility and judgment; appreciation for who true friends are and the differences between those and casual acquaintances; awe and respect for so much of the people and events of this nation's history whom I had studied and read about, but never really experienced til living here surrounded by their legacy.

I think about why I came here and the healing I needed to do when I did. I think about the steps I have taken and wonder if that process is complete yet or not -- it has after all been several fewer than twelve. ;) Certainly though, some big steps have been taken. The biggest by far, a thanks I owe to my neighbor from J building. I wonder at the professional and personal path I will take from here, and at what has been set in motion with regard to that in the last few months; and I wonder at what I will do for Plan B if what has been set in motion pans out differently than I expect. And I somewhat fatalistically laugh to myself over what does one do after one reaches plan Z?

I can think of few windows of time that have been as interesting to live in this city as the one I have chosen to spend here: marking the time with the events of the 2000 Presidential Election and with the terrorism of September 11th. Yes, there is precedent for both, in electoral crises (Hayes-Tilden anyone? And Jefferson-Burr was so extreme as to require a constitutional amendment to resolve) and in physical danger from which the city had to rebuild (the British burning the capital during the war of 1812). Suggestions from history on how to proceed, yet still very vague guidance for a nation still so youthful, and which has for so long specialized in rewriting history.

Perhaps that comment is closer to my own truth than I know: suggestions, but true guidance something to figure out still on my own. As I pack up my apartment, I realize how many memories I take with me. Hopefully in my wake, I have left some behind for others as well.

To the future I go, and the bright, undiscovered country that awaits before me.

Matt

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Q: "Who has feathers and webbed feet, and searches for underwater treasures?"

A: "Jacques Goose-toes!"

(Ok, so I really need something better to do over breakfast than read the oatmeal package.)