COPING

A big element in our cooperative existence on this planet has to do with that for which each of us holds the other responsible. Our interactions put us in many situations where responsibility for desired, or as the case may be, undesired outcomes is not clear. We foolish people, being motivated as we have already acclaimed by selfish needs, often compound our problems by needs related to wanting to be unassailable.


Blaming Self
Our first precept here is that blaming self is part of accepting self. If looked at in this way, blame is not necessarily negative criticism. On the contrary, self blame is the willingness to see self as a doer, someone who does things that don't always turn out for the best as judged by later outcomes. We are just that--the very best doers we can be, the very best beings we are intended to be--and must accept ourselves as that. Self imposed blame, then, simply means one has made a statement about self that is the result of what one is. If it is something one wishes to change for the better, all well and good. One should then get on with the task of changing rather than wasting time finding fault. Acceptance of one's own self is the only reality which cannot escape the test. And if we do not have acceptance of self, what is the worth of anything else?

Accepting Blame
A practical example of this position on blame and fault is demonstrated through competitive sailing. It is imperative that the skipper blame himself for the set of his sails and the tuning of his rigging. There is never, however, any implied fault due to the dynamics of the elements and sailing vessels. The dynamics of people and their relationships should be so highly regarded. One cannot blame dogs for biting, kids for not learning, others for the results of one's own actions. You don't have to blame others for what they do no matter what that is. Nor does this mean you have to blame yourself! Simply because responsibility for such happenings exists, doesn't mean blame exists necessarily. Blame is only a euphemistic interpretation. If we are willing to self blame, then it follows that we are willing to accept responsibility for our actions.
We have already stated that if we are willing to accept self blame, we have accepted responsibility for our own actions. Part of our actions are our expectations of others no matter where these expectations originated. If we don't agree with or appreciate the actions of others or the outcomes of our own actions, we must realize the first step is an examination of our own motives. We then might be able to better understand, at least, tolerate, the motives of others, whether they understand or not. One can exercise his right to self criticize about anything. He can control the amount, duration, and most importantly, the effect of all of his self criticism and blame. He can control what to do about it, and is not beholding to anyone else's approval, disapproval, or reproach. One's own willingness to examine himself critically can open the door for his fullest acceptance of self and give him room for examining his own self critical behavior. (We examine this process at length in the original work cited on the index page.)

The Essential Strategy
Change is the essence of life. No matter how we want others to relate to or deal with us, every day someone will violate our principles. Sometimes this will be intended, sometimes it will be accidental or inadvertent. Getting on terms with this chronic problem usually requires a coping mechanism. Coping is a process that usually implies an attempt at adjustment of one form or another. Many things don't go the way we want them to. What is required is that someone has to adjust, to change. This might seem to be a natural process for some, an evil necessity for others, and an outright impossible situation for someone else. The important element here is that adjustment from within is necessary if one is to get on better terms with the situation. No matter what the source of a difficulty might be, the adjustment, i.e. coping, is within oneself. Expecting anyone else to adjust you seems rather impractical.
Coping is actually a moment to moment process. We cope with this situation or another and move our attention to other things. Our coping actions are totally within each of us. Coping implies a change that stays with us and might affect others. Some of us become inclined to think that changes in others might make the difference. Coping, in the sense described here, insists that the changes by others don't make the difference. The term, "if you can't cope, it's you", clearly states that only what happens within yourself, is relevant. Coping is an inescapable requirement of living with tasks and conditions that must be faced. Coping strategies are gained through learning and applying that learning to work at needed changes. Some tips on how to make coping a more efficient and effective process will appear in other pages. We have a lot more thoughts to share on this and as the reader works at it, so will he/she.