The humble rubber spatula was once a device devoted solely to scraping and cleaning batter from the mixing bowls of our kitchens. But this mere kitchen utensil shall no longer be condemned to its boring occupation. It shall rise up in power and become a catalyst for the greatest plan to take over the world!

You may laugh at my babbling. You may call me crazy or even one hamburger short of a fast food chain. You may even be right in laughing at me, but I don't care. While I'm ruling the world, you will be weeping in your homes and begging me for mercy!

My plan for world domination is quite simple and bloodless. First, I shall conduct "scientific research" on rubber spatula handles. If you think I'm going to conduct real scientific research using the scientific method, you have got to be crazy. Nobody rises to power by telling the truth and being nice. Rather than telling the truth and saying I didn't find anything, I will tell a half-truth and say I found a rare strain of bacteria in the spatula handles. I will then publish my findings in magazines such as National Geographic, Mother Earth News and Popular Science.

Once my findings are published, panic will grip the western world. People will wonder if their cupcakes are safe to eat or if their cookies were poisoned by this rare strain of bacteria, and when the people panic the world will be putty in my hands.

I, being the "scientist" who discovered this strain of bacteria, will talk to the UN General Assembly. I will suggest they declare an international ban on the possession of rubber spatulas. I will tell them the bacteria is essential for the survival of a whole ecosystem (which one, I don't know). If we allow rubber spatulas to be burned, as many people will suggest (and probably do), a whole ecosystem could be destroyed. If we allow people to continue to use the spatulas, the bacteria may give the users an incurable disease. Therefore, a rubber spatula refuge shall be set up in the Bora Bora Islands for the continuation of this endangered species. I will also request the seizure of all the world's rubber spatulas. Before any cook can say "Pillsbury Doughboy," their rubber spatulas shall be on a plane to the Bora Bora's.

You may be asking me, "What does dumping rubber spatulas in the Bora Bora's have to do with dominating the world? And why should I care when I have better things to worry about like tweaking my nose hairs?"

Well, to be honest with you, my plan has just begun. On the first dark, stormy night, at the time when most creepy things happen, I will plant some of the confiscated rubber spatulas on the food service staff of the world's highest ranking leaders. Then I'll leak the information to the press. They won't know what hit them!

When people hear about the scandal, they will be outraged. The world's leaders, who fought so hard to save the rubber spatula bacterium, will have "betrayed" the world. The citizens will protest, riot and march in the streets. They will demand that their corrupt leaders step down and I step up up as the concerned scientist who was compassionate enough to save an endangered species. The people of Earth will carry me on their shoulders to their capitals. They will think I am an honest man trying to save the environment. Soon they will elect me as the Supreme Dictator of the World, and I shall have this planet in my environmentally sound clutches.