Reflection

A never endin' story, goin' forward and never backwards. It's sad
after all these years and no one can't seem tah have the solution
fer depression.

A mirror is yer worst enemy in this, yer finest hour, I know tha'
cause I've been there … I am there.

Sometimes is like a whisper, tryin' tah get tah the top o' yer head.
Slowly creepin' in, dodgin' the good memories and holdin' onto the
bad ones.

But most o' times is a loud bang, hard tah miss. And there are days
when I don' wanna miss it. I wanna it tah stay there, inside my head.

Once I was happier, once I had everythin', once I was loved .. or
was it jus' a big fake lie? Nothin' but a dream?

I wish life were simplier, but it just isn't. life sucks .. big time.

- - - -

Crouched, nobody can't see me. And even if they did, they wouldn't
care `bout me. Nobody does, I'm just the big bad ass Wolverine, not
even Logan.

I stopped bein' Logan right after they caught me at Weapon X, I went
from bein' a pseudo human, a quasi normal person; to a war machine,
the perfect assassin. Built tah kill, never ask questions and simply
follow orders.

It was never tha' hard, but admittin' it hurt my soul, the lil' I
had left and when they reached my core, they tore my heart out.
Almost spittin' on it.

No apologies, no explanations.

Nor tha' I needed one, but I couldda used one, jus' tah know why me.
Why not someone else, why torture me with their endless trainin'.
Always forward, never backwards.

I guess cause nobody cared `bout me, nobody does now. Not even `em,
the X-Men, the ones who are supposed tah be my family, my friends.
Guess I was only the front line for battle, the one who they would
send to the field and not worryin' whether I make it back or not.

Tha's sad, even Chuck prefers one o' the elite group, the original
ones, like Scott. I had lost so many things over him, my pride, my
ability tah be myself, hell I even lost Jeannie over tha' prick. Not
like I was ever a match tah him.

He's the perfect student, the perfect leader, the perfect friend,
the perfect teacher, the perfect lover. The one who seduced her and
married her.

And who am I??

Jus' the half beast, half mutant, not even human. The thing tha'
came from the woods .. Wolverine.

/*Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real*/

They asked me why I don't change? Smooth my temper and develop
manners. I jus' growled at `em, makin' `em go away. I don't need
anyone tellin' me who tah be or who not tah be.

Of course they left, not really in the mood tah get on my nerves.
They all left ..

All but one .. him.

The reason why I'm standin' in front o' the mirror, lookin' at
myself for the first time in ages. I mean, REALLY lookin' at myself.
I don't know what I'm gonna accomplish with this, but I'm sure as
hell I'm not gonna like it.

I can't still remember one time when everyone was together in the
main room, jokin' and laughin'. I was left behind.

I felt the castaway, alone cause I like tah be. But he knows better,
he once told me tha' bein' alone sucks and no person would willingly
like tah be tha' way.

- - - -

"Homme, y¡ do know y'r hurtin' y'rself?" his eyebrow question' my
sanity as I lurked on the woods, his voice startled me as I did my
nightly round.

Not wantin' tah hear the answer, I took off, only tah be followed by
one very stubborn Cajun. "Stay away Gumbo"

"And make it easier fo' y' t' drift apart? Non, I would not do it"
he was hot on my traclk, gotta hand it tah the kid. He's
fast. "Give up Cajun"

"Give me one reason t' do so"

I stopped and so did he "I wan't ya tah" his eyes looked on my
frame, my pathetic form in front o' tha' magnificent body o' his. It
made me feel so lil'.

"y' know dat's a big fat lie"

The fact tha' he stayed infuriated me. I don't know if it was cause
it showed me he cared or tha' he was right. But I was pissed, so
pissed tha' a popped my claws out "No, it's not, now back off". I
stood menacin' with my claws out, his expression told me so many
things.

But the thing tha' scared me was tha' I couldn't smell any fear on
him. He wasn't afraid o' me. "Why doin' it? It's not gonna help
anyone, specially y'"

"Wha' do ya know `bout me? Nothin', y'all assume thing `bout this
ole bastard and none o' ya is right"

"Den tell me, what's the truth?" there was so much sincerity on his
voice, he really wanted tah know.

Slowly, he moved forward tah me, his fingers reachin' out fo'
me. "It hurts" I managed tah say between chocked sobs "Hurt bein'
alone?" he cautiously asked and all I could do was nod.

His fingers curled `round my neck and he pulled me closer tah him,
my face buried on his chest. "Nobody should be alone Logan,
willingly or not. I'm here, if y' wan' me t'"

Those words made one hell o' a difference, tah know there was
someone willin' tah listen tah this ole man. It was much more tha' I
could deal with.

Oh, but it was real ... so real, it hurt.

/*There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming , confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling*/

Once we got past the facades and the masks, we saw the real us.

Remy got scared at my first nightmare with him. I had crashed on the
boathouse cause o' a night o' beers and poker seemed much more
appealin' than listenin' tah Scott give orders `round the mansion.

After he passed out on the couch, I cleaned the livin' room. Empty
beer bottles and a couple of pizza boxes were scattered `round the
floor. When I was done, I claimed the couch opposite where Remy was
sleepin'. I didn' even notice when I doses off, but I did remember
what was in my head when I woke both Remy and myself up.

- - - -

The sterile stench of a lab, the chatterin' of people and the
clashin' of champagne glasses.

Inside the tub I was, I could see `em. Lookin' at the freak who was
gonna make `em win millions and millions of dollars.

The tub filled with some sorta liquid tha' kept me in good state,
tubes camin' in and out o' my body, some needles poked inside my
skin. Everyt'in' was scarin' me by the minute, when they brought me
in I never thought this was what they wanted. I thought they were
gonna actually help me .. stupid me.

Now someone is pushin' some buttons from the tub's main panel and
the liquid leaves, with a loud thud I fall to the ground. And tha's
when I realize why the liquid was for, tah keep me immobilize. I
can't move any single muscle in me, even my tongue's numbed.

Panic surges through my body as a pair of bulky tall man grabs me by
the neck, jus' as two other get a hold o' my arms "It's showtime",
the soldier who has a hold o' my neck says and I think I'm the main
attraction.

They take me tah a metal table, like the ones in the examination
rooms in laboratories, what are they gonna do tah me??

The same three men move `round me, strappin' me tah the table,
wrists and ankles. One leather strap crosses my neck and I can feel
myself tryin' tah throw up, jus' as I'm `bout tah open my mouth tah
scream, a doctor approaches the table.

I can tell he's a doctor cause of the white robe he's wearin', he's
bringin' somet'in' with him .. a black hard gag. Shit!! "It's good
to see you are aware of everything Mister Logan"

His voice enters my brain but I can't hold onto it, it keeps
slippin' away. I feel him steppin' closer "I know you want to know
what are we going to do to you sir, but I guess you will see it, so
no need to waste my time"

After sayin' this, he strapped the damn thing `round my head,
placin' the gag in my mouth. A thick hard ball was inside my mouth,
stretchin' the inside of my mouth painfully, I couldn't speak and I
wanted tah die right there.

An hour passed by and I was still strapped in the table, nobody
seemed tah noticed me, not even when they walked next tah me.

I tried tah scream, yelled tah lemme go, tah release me. But my
voice died inside my throat, I couldn't speak and my mouth was dry.
The gag prevented my jaw tah open further than jus' a few inches,
enough fo' me tah get desperate.

And it was even worse when the doctor and some other people
approached the table with a plate filled of instruments, medical
instruments. I started squirmin', at least I tried, but they fed me
somethin' and I couldn't move so well.

My mind was clouded but I could see the sharp knives and I dreaded
wha' they were gonna do tah me, and the doctor was right, I was
gonna find out.

Slash by slash, I felt how they cut me open and inserted somethin'
in my bones, somethin' cold. All the pain, all the coldness, I
bottled it up. Tried not tah feel, not tah think, jus' lock
everythin' away.

Then their faces clogged in my head and I couldn't help it, I popped
my claws and started throwin' `em tah my enemies.

"Logan!!!!" I heard a loud yell and someone kickin' me in the leg.
Shit! Remy, he was in the room, I musta scared the shit outta him.

Slowly I opened my eyes, afraid o' wha' I was gonna find, afraid o'
the pitiful stare I was gonna get from him. "Logan, r' y' alrigh'?"
but not only did he sat next tah me, he was concern `bout me.

Why? I don't deserve tah be concerned `bout.

/*I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence
I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure*/

"y' scared me, homme" his fingers gingerly brushed a strand o' hair
tha' was plastered in my face, "Wha' happened?"

"Nothin'" I mumbled, tryin' tah get his attention on somethin' else
rather than in me. I hate when people get so close tah me, it gives
me a sensation o' suffocation.

"It was not a big deal, go back tah sleep, I'll be fine"

I could feel his burnin' stare fixed in me, he's not gonna let this
one go. He wants tah talk "Why don' y' lemme judge tha' one? `sides,
I'm not gonna be able t' sleep anymore, it's almost noon and someone
forgot t' close de curtains"

The room was lit up by the sunlight, not a single shadow, not like
in my nightmares where everyt'in' is dark and sombre. "Don' wanna
talk `bout it Cajun" it's just gonna make it worse, but I can' tell
him tha', he's gonna wanna know why and I can' afford tah loose the
one friend I got left.

"I remember when I had nightmares, poppa used t' hold me `till I was
better, maybe it'll work with y'" he suggested, not sure if I was
gonna claw him or thank him, and neither was I.

"It's not such a big deal Rems, I've had `em ever since I can
remember. Usually they go away after a while"

The look tha' he gives me was a mix between hurt and sorrow, I don'
need this from him. "Listen, I appreciate yer concern but I'm fine.
It's nothin' tha' hasn' happened befo', I can deal with it"

Remy lowered his gaze and his fingers played with the silver
bracelet on his wrist, I think he wanted tah say somet'in' else, but
he wouldn't do it. Not if I stop him from doin' it "For real, I'm
fine. Don' worry tha' lil' head o' yours", I added a ruffle tah his
head tah make it look lighter. He smiled and shove my hand.

"Non messin' wid de hair homme" the alien eyes sparkled with life
once more, makin' me feel relieved, I had succeeded.

"So .. wha' now?" I got off the couch and searched my boots, after
puttin' `em on I went back, Remy was still sittin' on his spot. "Now
y' tell me `bout de nightmare and stop stallin', it's not gettin' y
anywhere"

I growled somet'in' like `back off' but he just smacked my head "I'm
not gonna run away from y' Logan, don' y' understand that?"

"No, and stop it. I'm leavin' now" I got up .. again, and made my
way tah the door, the Cajun didn't make a move tah get me. "Fine,
but whenever y' need me, I'll be waitin'. Whenever"

I stopped listenin' tah his words as I made my way out, firmly
shuttin' the door behind me. I know I'm a coward for not sharin'
this with him, but I can't even face myself after it happened. We
had started tak get along well, I had learned so much `bout him in
one night tha' anyone else has in all these years.

But, tellin' him `bout Weapon X would make it so much real. Him
knowin' where I come from, why I have this incredible metal runnin'
through my bones, it's just too much and too embarrassin' for me. I
can't do it ..

I won't do it.

As soon as I open the door Scott is right in front o' me "Where on
heaven's Earth have you been? We had a situation inside the house
and I tried calling you through your com badge, as usual it was off
or you weren't listening"

"Or I didn't have with me" I growled at him, I tried to get past him
only to be shoved back to my spot. "I'm not done with you Logan, not
yet"

"What is it now, Slim. Ya can't satisfy Jean anymore? Or is it the
other way around? OR maybe Charles lectured ya cause ya didn't do
wha' he asked ya tah? Eh??? Wha' is it Scott?!?!?" I practically
yelled at him, loud enough I bet even Remy heard it.

He backed off, lookin' strangely at me "What's wrong with you
Wolverine? I hadn't done anything for you to treat me like this"

That did it "Exactly, you haven't done ANYTHING. Not for me, not for
Gambit. And you call yerself a leader? Bullshit!!" I shoved him tah
the wall and ran tah my room.

Everyt'in' I had bottled up came floodin' my senses, I couldn't
breath, I couldn't feel, I couldn't think. Jesus!! I couldn't
talk .. please God, not again.

I slumped tah the ground, lettin' the tears flow freely. I don't
care anymore.

/*Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real*/

I don't know how long it's been, but I find myself crouched in one
o' the corners o' my room. It's dark and the moonlight has made its
way through my window, evert'in' is silent and I'm afraid I've died,
tha' this is hell. Me, alone in a room.

Then a knock on the door tells me I'm very much alive and this is no
hell, jus' my life, which it's no different than the inferno. I
ignored the knock, hopin' it would go away but it only gets
louder "I know y'r dere, open de door Logan, sil vous plait"

His voice is so close tah beggin', fear's pourin' from him "Logan!!
I won't go, I'll get in, even if I `ave t' pick de damn lock"

Now, I'm pissed, how does he dare tah say tha'? He has no right tah
come here and treat me tha' way, I pick myself up from the floor and
walk tah the door "Wha' the hell ya wan'? Why doncha go back tah
tha' pretty lil' life o' yours and leave me the fuck alone", I spat
as soon as I opened the door.

Frustration was written all over his face, he KNEW I was gonna do
somet'in' like this, push him away. When did he learn how tah read
me this well?? "Fine, y' can yell all y' wan', but at least have de
decency t' wait `till I'm inside and den y' can say all y' `ave t'
say t' Remy"

The auburn haired mutant walked in and closed the door behind him,
as if he wanted tah protect whatever we had tah say tah each other.
"I don't care `bout wha' ya want, I do wha' I want, whenever I want.
Haven't ya learned tha'? I don't give explanations, nor apologies.
Wha' more do ya want from me?"

The surprised expression on his face tells me he wasn't expectin'
tha' question "Me? What do I wan' from y'? Bon dieu! I had never
asked y' for anyt'in', never!! I don' expect anyt'in' from y' Logan,
just dat y' start bein' honest t' me and t' y'rself"

"Honest?? Wha' kinda crap is tha'?"

Gambit took my hand and led me tah my bed, makin' me sit right
across from him, face tah face. "It's no crap, jus' de truth. Y'ave
been so busy buildin' dese walls `round y'r own feelings dat y don't
know `em anymore" I try tah get rid o' the grip his hands have on
mine, but he only tightens it.

"Stop fightin', I dink y' had enough of dis. Trust me, I won't hurt
y', I will never hurt y' Logan" the softness o' his voice is so
overwhelmin', I can' take it anymore, I need his touch. Of any sort,
I don't care if it's outta pitty, I need Remy.

Lookin' at his hand, everyt'in' falls down and I can't hide it
anymore "Hold me" I whisper and I'm afraid he's gonna reject me, I
wouldn't be able tah deal with it.

"Logan" his finger tilts my head up "Look at me"

Blue on white meets red on black, I can't find a single trace o'
rejection, au contraire I find somet'in' I can't believe, I won't
believe.

"C'mere" his arms reach me and circle my body, slowly bringin' me
closer "I won' let y' down cher" then I broke, I sobbed, painfully
sobbed.

All my fears come crashin' down my will, I can't stop, I don't wanna
stop. I want him tah take away the pain, but I'm such a
coward. "Logan, listen t' me. I want y' t' do somet'in' for me,
would y' do it?"

I nod between his embrace, not wantin' tah let go of the
warmth "Stand up". Remy helps me up and holds my hand "Walk with me"

Slowly but surely we walk tah my dresser, why is he takin' me there?

"Do y' trust me Logan?"

"Always"

"D'accord, now look and tell me wha' y' see"

Tears welled up on my eyes, I can't look at myself on the mirror. I
can't!!!

His fingers caress the skin behind my ear "Please, do dis fo' Remy"

On a choked voice I protest "I can't, it's useless, there's nothin'
there tha' I wan' tah see. Nothin' tha's worth seeing anyway"

A sigh

"Logan, whether y' do it on y' own or I'll make y' do it"

Time stops as his hands are on my shoulder, pushin' me forward, the
mirror is right in front o' me and I can't stop him. I'm gonna have
tah face my demons, whether I like it or not.

/*Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...*/

I tried tah push him, but his grip is stronger than I expected. Not
one can't say tha' Remy LeBeau is a weak man, the young Cajun's jus'
as strong as ya get `em.

"Remy, please" my whisper died in my mouth as his finger softly
placed itself on my lips, gently brushin' `em. "Non, y' need dis and
y' own y'rself dis"

Fear took over me, never in my life I've wanted tah run away from
somet'in' so bad and right now, I want tah run away from Remy and
this mirror. Cause it's gonna show me wha' I've been tryin' tah hide
for as many years as I can remember, my reflection, the true Logan.

No one has seen it befo' and truth is, I don't even remember it. A
long time ago, it used to be free, but now it was locked in the
depths o' my head. "Just look cher, look at de mirror and tell me
what y' see"

What if I can't? I don't have the strength tah do it anymore, I
care `bout Remy too much, I really don't wan' him tah know the real
me. The real Logan is weak, afraid o' facin' life on his own, with
no one tah stand by his side. He's been alone fo' so long tha' he
thinks is the only way tah live, now there's no more strength left
on his will tah change tha' idea.

"Wha' do ya wan' me tah say? Tha' I see a beast in there? Tha' the
only thing I can be is a wild animal? Is that wha' ya wan' tah
hear?" somewhere in between my ramblings and my pain, I let go o' my
fear. I'm leanin' onto his embrace, his arms curled `round my waist,
pressin' my close to his warm body.

He sighed, again "Non, I wan' y' t' tell me, t' describe the man in
front of y'. Dat's all Logan, all I wan', no more"

I can't hold it back anymore, a few tears escape my eyes and I lift
my hand to wipe it off, but Remy catches my wrist and stops me from
doin' it. "Dere's no shame on cryin', Lord knows I'ave done it as
well. Why don' y' stop de charade and de games and show me the real
Logan, not the Wolverine"

"Why do ya want tha'?"

"Cause is de man I fell in love with, I wan' him not the character
he wants us to believe in. Don't y' get it? I fin'ly figured y' out,
y'r not de big bad ass y' pretend t' be, y' get hurt by actin' like
dat"

"Wha' if is not a lie? Wha' if tha's who I am, the real me"

His head nests itself in the crook of neck, restin' his chin in my
shoulder "Logan, y' said y' trust me"

"And I do"

"Den, do dis if not for me, do it for y'. Please?" his exotic eyes
pleaded in a way I've never seen before, not like the childlike he
pulls off with Storm or the annoyin' look he gives tah Scott. It's
almost like he's barin' his soul tah me and he wants me tah look at
it.

The blue eyes starin' back at me are somethin' so alien tah me,
someone else's eyes, someone else's pain. Deep inside o' `em I can
see how much resentment and hurt lies in `em, but I still look back.
Somehow the man holdin' me closer has managed tah break down my
walls, has found a way tah sneak inside.

Unfortunately, it's been a long time since I let anyone in and I
can't afford tah let HIM inside. I will only hurt him, jus' like
I've hurt everyone else, Mariko, Yukio, Kitty, Jubilee. All of `em
trusted me once and I let `em down, I will kill myself before
hurtin' Remy.

"No"

"I'm not gonna run off and leave y' `ere Logan, when r' y' gonna
understand dat?"

But still I didn't want tah let him in, no matter how much I craved
for it.

/*To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence
I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure*/

The lil' voice started whisperin', softly at first, tellin' me how
fast Gumbo was gonna ditch me when he learned `bout me. Then it
began tah grow louder and louder, and louder, till I couldn't stand
it and screamed with all my guts "Stop!"

I slumped tah the ground, slippin' from LeBeau's embrace "Logan,
what's wrong?"

"Please stop" now it was me the one whisperin', crouched on the
ground, sobbin' like a newborn. The lil' voice wouldn' stop, kept
tellin' me wha' a screwed up I am, how much o' a beast I've become.

My head was spinnin', thousands o' faces ran right in front o' me, I
couldn't stop `em. They yelled `freak' at me, spit in my face and
laughed "Logan, please look at me, y'r scarin' me"

The softness o' his hands contrasts with the roughness o' my
face "Go `way" I manage tah choke out, my throat is horse and I feel
as if someone made me swallow acid. "I won'. `aven't y' learned dat
by now?"

My heart whispered `yes', but my mind screamed `no'.

No matter how hard I tried, they would never agree "No one has ever
cared tah show me tha' before"

"Baby .." for the first time he didn't call me cher or homme, but
baby, a very sweet word comin' from his lips. One tha' I've been
dyin' tah hear, and right now I can't seem tah pull myself of the
trance I am tah say somethin' back.

"Lemme help y', babe" his arms wrapped themselves `round my chest
and pulled me up, once I'm up he makes me turn until I'm facin' him.
"I love y'" those simple three words make my world collide.

Ever since I can remember, no one, and I mean no one has said those
words before and truly mean them. Never, no one. I feel tha' if I
close my eyes and open `em again, he'd be gone and I'd end up alone
in my dark corner as I'm used tah.

But today is different, if I open my eyes and see the truth, tha'
he's not here, I'm gonna die. I wouldn't be able tah put myself
through tha' miserable experience o' havin' him say those words and
then .. poof .. he'd be gone.

It'd be too painful for me tah take, I can't take it anymore .. I
simply can't.

If he's gonna leave me alone, like everyone else's done, he might as
well do it while I'm fully aware of wha's happenin'. "Remy, ya don'
need tah say anyt'in' like tha', if ya really want me tah look at
the gawdamn mirror, I will. Just don't lie like everybody does"

I let go of him and walk slowly tah the mirror, again, but this time
I'm strong `nough tah held at my own gaze. This is it, no more
turnin' back, no more runnin' away, it's time for this ole Wolverine
tah face his demons.

And if the price is tha' I'd never have him by my side, then so be
it. I'm tired o' makin' excuses `bout myself. If he really loves me,
he would stay. And if he never did .. then I'd know.

"Alright, what do I see?? I'll tell ya wha' I see"

/*Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real*/

So, tha's why I'm here, standin' in front o' my mirror. He backed
off a bit, givin' me space. I think he knows he's done everyt'in' he
could have and now it's my turn. If I want this tah work, I have tah
be honest with myself.

"Fine, I see an old man"

A soft whimper from behind, but he keeps himself quiet.

"Afraid o' loosin' the lil' sanity left he has"

A sigh and he leans forward towards me, still stayin' away from me.

"So caught upon the ol' joke, he's supposed tah be the perfect
killin' machine and yet he listens more tah his conscious, his
twisted conscious than tah anyt'in' else"

Soft footsteps closer tah me.

"He can't stop thinkin' he's failed tah everyone tha' meant
somet'in' tah him and yet he can't stop, cause he ain't allowed tah
stop. He's supposed tah be there, always, not even if he doesn't
want tah"

Silence

"I see a man who loves tah much and doesn't get love in return"

More silence

"A man who's NOT worthy o' love"

Still he doesn't speak

"A man who's bitter and old"

Remy takes another step closer tah me, after a long silence, but
still doesn't say a word and I'm afraid he's repulsed by me.

"A man who nobody loves" I sigh "and who won't be miss if he dies
right now"

There, tha's the truth. I turn `round tah face the only person I've
ever wanted tah love me, half expectin' him not tah be there any
longer. "Tha's it, why else do ya want from me?"

/*There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing what is real
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling*/

"Ohh" his fingers caress my lips and quickly and gracefully he wraps
his arms `round my neck, his lips find mine and gently brushes `em.
So gently, as I though he would be "I wan' y' t' see de man I see"

He turns me `round, arms `round my waist and head next tah
mine "Logan, y'r wrong"

"Why?"

"De man I see .."

"Yeah?"

"Is de man I love"

Then .. my walls finally break down, and I let him in.

/*Confusing what is real*/
 

The End