Johan's Tavern
Rowdy Table #5

VIKING OWNERS MANUAL

So Mischievous One, you now have your very own Viking.  Did you know that care and handling of a Viking is 
a serious undertaking?  Not to mention the large amounts of meat, beer and mead needed, you also have to be 
an expert on cleaning furs, on them and around them!
 
Beards are comb-able, but usually have food stuck in them, not to mention the odd small bird nest.  Hair 
can be braided, and if the beard is likewise long, a few braids can be done to minimize the number of small 
furry and feathery critters that move in.  This can be a good thing for you to try, but he may resist until 
you show him that the braids can be woven into spectacular knotwork patterns!
 
Remove clothing before brushing the hair of your Viking.  Any resemblance to a bear is coincidental, and 
leave his father's heritage and mother's preferences out of the conversation.  Vikings are touchy about 
their heritage.  Being descended from a bear is not a bad thing for Vikings.
 
Now those furs that he is dressed in!  Were they tanned properly?  Do they have an interesting odor?  Are 
they still alive and kicking? Insure they are quite dead before attempting cleaning.  Remove all insect 
life and dirt using a brush and beat the hung skin with a carpet whacker to loosen the deeply set dust and 
dirt.  Oh, and you should remove the skins from you Viking before beating them.  If the skins need washing, 
remember to use a mild soap and lanolin for the fur along with neatsfoot oil for the skin to prevent drying out.
 
Another thing to consider with your Viking is to convince him to wear cloth under those skins.  Cloth is 
easier to clean and it resists those pests that like to climb into your bed with you!  Never give your 
Viking knitted undergarments, socks or caps as they are a sign that your affection is wavering!  Unless of 
course you are sending a signal, then you may accompany this signal with a 2x4 of appropriate length.  Use 
the 2x4 with the trademark side away from your Viking's head to reduce the chance of breakage, and take a 
full swing to get your Viking's full attention.  Removal of the helm is optional, but recommended, as you 
may damage the helm.
 
The cloth you use on your Viking should be a heavy cotton such as Trigger or tent canvas.  Anything less is 
a waste of time and money as Vikings are notoriously hard on cloth.  If you Viking is camping, keep a fire 
extinguisher ready, especially if your Viking smokes.  They never learn to pull a branch from the fire to 
light their tobacco and are always catching their beards on fire (another reason to braid that beard and hair).
 
Making love with a Viking is a major event for a Lady, well worth the effort!  First, remove all weaponry 
from him.  A good compromise is to leave the axe beside the bed and the knives on the nightstand.  Never 
allow him to "Just keep one!", as it will invariably end up in your derriere at the most inopportune moment 
when he is not worried about why you are screaming!  Be firm here.  Speaking of firm, warm is good.  So when
you strip him of all of those furs, they make dandy floor coverings in front of the fire place or on the bed
to keep warm.  Never overlook an opportunity like that!  Oh, and you should try to keep you Viking from 
drinking too much before bed time.  This is probably going to be difficult, but I will leave the methods 
for this to your fertile and mischievous imagination!
 
So have fun with your Viking, and remember to make sure he learns to swim, keeps his boat clean, and 
polishes his weapons carefully!