Johan's Tavern
Rowdy Table #1

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going 
through Tasmania.  Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no 
lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.  When the train came out of the 
tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had 
his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and 
slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the 
Irishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make 
another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'

There once were 2 Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends.  
And as a part of being the best of friends, as best friends will do, they spent 
a lot of time together, at their favorite public house, imbibing.  During one 
particular night of revelry, the 2 agreed that "when one passed on, the other 
would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish wiskey over the 
grave of fondly missed and recently dead friend".  And as fate would have it,  
Shawn would be the first to pass.  Pat, hearing of his friends illness, came 
to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn", says Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn speaks back "Yes, Paddy, I can".

Bashfully, Pat starts "Do, do you remember our pact, Shawn?".

"Yes, I do Pat", Shawn strains.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle 
of wiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years 
now?", says Pat.

"Yes, Pat, I do", wispers Shawn.

"It's a very *old* bottle now, you know", urges Pat.

"And what are you geting at Pat", replys Shawn, briskly.

"Well, Shawn, when I pour the wiskey over your grave, would you mind if I filter 
it through my kidneys first?"

For centuries, the English have had a love affair with all types of hunting.  
Early one morning, a fellow was blasting away at a clump of brush on a grouse hunt.

Suddenly an outraged gentleman appeared and said "See here old man, you almost 
shot my wife with that volley."

The hunter, properly shamed replied, "So sorry old chap.  Here, have a go at 
mine, over there."

An English priest was on a visit to a remote part of the north of Ireland.
A local farmer offered to show him the sights. "That's Devil's Mountain," said the farmer. 
"Over there is Devil's Dyke.  Devil's Wood starts on the other side of the river."

"The Devil seems to own a lot of property in these parts," smiled the priest. 

"Aye," agreed the farmer, "and like most other landlords he seems to spend most of his 
time in London."

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman at a pub.
They each bought a pint of Guinness. 
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, 
three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, 
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

There is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past.

The man turns to the Priest and says, "Don't try to stop me father, I'm going to jump."

"Don't jump." says the Priest, "It can't be that bad.  Think of the life you  have yet to live."

"That's one of the reasons I'm jumping" Says the Irish man.

"Well if that won't stop you, think about your family." says the Priest.

"That's another reason." says the Irish man.

"Well think about your job." says the Priest.

"There's another reason." says the Irish man.

"Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick." says the Priest.

"Who's that?" asks the Irish man.

"Jump you Protestant bastard." says the Priest.

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when 
one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, 
"As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."