SCA Versions of Hell

   All your hammers and stakes have little nicks in them and you can't
   find the one you want anyway.

      convince a batch of new arivals that their new job is to use these rocks 
      (supplied at great expense) to grind and polish down the tools ...
 
   Only available materials are tin foil, carpet, and neon orange plastic barrels.

   Everything they write turns out to be Susan Summer's poetry.

      add a new line to the souvenier stand previously mentioned ...

   A mound of perfect pearls and gems, wonderful silk cloth, and
   NO NEEDLES!  (Makes the idea of bone needles take on a whole new
   meaning, eh??)

      plenty of bones down by the mosh-pit after the concert ... and lots of 
      broken thin, whippy blade fragment.  of you could ask to borrow one of the 
      viking skin-heads sewing kit 

   A class to teach and the only supplies are a Zippo and several pounds of Iron Ore.

      sighhh... you've forgotten YOU'RE IN HELL !!!! it dosn't matter - free heat! 

   Eternity in a vat of MD 20-20.

      scrounge up some vodka and it's palatable ....

   A box of the jumbo crayons and a stack of peerage scrolls.
   
      ever been backstage at the last minute before the awards are scheduled to be given out?

   MREs and no way to warm them.

      been there, done that, still have two cases ... as for warming them, 
      YOU'RE IN HELLL!!!

   Forced to wear polyester WWF t-shirt and streach pants for eternity.

      see leatherworking below ...

   Nothing but Thrash Metal tapes.

      so?  what's your point? (who happens to have a perverse fondness for 
      Thrash Metal ... how about Cyber Thrash >>> ... *evil* grin ... will meet ya' 
      down in the mosh pit next to the Elysian Fields

   You're given a pack of beading needles, some "craft yarn" (the
   acrylic stuff kids use) and some burlap and asked to do opus anglicanum.

   Eternity sitting in a room full of Fencers

      ... tell them of the anti-heavy plot's by the lights

   Eternity sitting in a room full of Fighters

      ... tell them of the anti-light plot's by the heavies

      send both to the mosh pit area and bill them as the opening act for the 
      whacked out norse skin-head's.  stiff then on the cover fee and make them 
      pay for their own beer ... why ... all together now, because YOU'RE in HELL!!!!

   Having to do name research and the only collection of books
   owned by your local group are BABY NAME books!

      what's the problem?  YOU'RE IN HELL!!! ... all the best names are already 
      there! ask around

   ONLY having Alfred Kolatch books as name doc.  [ICK]

   A client who wants "Gyronny of 24 Vair and ermine, a Lute lozengy
   gules and purpure, on a chief sable three kitty's lickin their paws.

      here's a concept, returns carry a re-assignment to the head-down lava pits 
      until artistic tastes is aquired

   Eternal Laryngitis!

   Better yet, everyone has the properly spelled gaelic, welsch, and arabic
   names...and no pronunciation guide!!!

   Must read award, but no one can hear you no matter how loud you yell, and they all keep
   going "WHAT?? SPEAK UP!" and the king wont let you go on until everyone hears the scroll
   read.  For eternity you end up screaming "PRAY LET ALL KNOW" etc.

   Or one whose length rivals that of the longest name of a town in the
   world....and it's unpronounceable anyway!

   VINYL!

      so setup a roadside stand to to the Styx and sell souveniers vest's
      (along with the issued polyester WWF shirts & stretch pants mentioned previously)

   Crowds of customers paying more for the devil's merchandise than they would for yours, 
   and his is cheap, shoddy junk.
   
   No change.

      see Milo M. your new business manager

   Remember that propane cylinder you THOUGHT was full?

      who needs propane?  YOU'RE IN HELL!!! ... everything is on fire already!

   10,000lbs of perfect damacus and no heat source.

      point of order... YOU'RE IN HELL !!!!

   Discovering that [your least favourite form of music] is actually a very period thing.

      Metal Thrash ... with you as the primary persussion instrument and a batch 
      of whacked out viking skinheads on an infinite supply of speed as the band

   The only books at the library on the Middle Ages are romance
   novels and Manchester's _A World Lit Only By Fire_.

      yea, but that female demon librarion is one serious looker! and she likes you ....

   Surrounded by sheep with beautiful fleeces and no way to shear them.

      see the merchanting ideas ... always more than one way to fleece a customer

   Actors who make Richard Gere look like the definitive Lancelot.

      hooked up with Kieth Richards i see ....

   Aunt Lydia's Rug yarn!!  ACK EEKK GRRR

      yet another product line ... 

   10,000 lbs of beautifully plastic CLAY and no heat source....

      repeat after me YOU'RE IN HELL !!!

   A room FULL of embroidery floss and crochet thread,  then your carpal
   tunnel returns to haunt you!

      hire the illegal immigrants who swim accross the river (no need to explain 
      lack of understanding of the concept here ...) ... and can you guess? ... 
      add yat-another-product line !!!! ... why??? because YOU'RE IN HELL !!!

   They give you one of those kiddie craft looms and tell you to make
   brocaded silk on it.

      bones, plenty of bones .... talk to Clotho and or Ariadne in the next caves over

   A lifetime subscription to the Ansteorra list! 

      we're just trying to improve our persona's by devolving our spelling back to 
      something closer to normal medieval practice ... 

   1)  Obviously everything that needs heat is going to be in one of the
       circles of Hell consisting of eternal ice.

   2)  You won't make it there.  Satan isn't interested in people who will take
       over and put the whole thing on a paying basis.  He's the stereotypical
       quintessential Bureaucrat.