Alan's Humor Archive : Drinking

1 or 2 quarts rum
1 cup butter
1 tsp. sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
baking powder
brown sugar
lemon juice
chopped nuts

Before you start, sample the rum for quality.  Good isn't it.  Now go ahead, select a large
measuring bowl, measing cup ete.  Check the rum again.  It Must be right!  To be sure that 
the rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink as fast
as you can.  Repeat!  With an electric mixer beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  
Add one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum has maintained its
fine quality.  Try another cup.  Open the second quart if  necessary.  Add 2 arge leggs, 
2 cups fried druit and beat till high.  If druit gets shtuck in beaters, pry it loos with 
with a drewscriver.  Sample the rum again, check for consticisty.  Next sift 3 cups of 
pepper or salt (it doesn't matter at this point).  Sample the rum again.  Sift 1/2 pint of 
lemon juice and fold in strained butter.  Got the munchies yet?  Eat the  nuts now.  Screw 
the cake.  Add 1 tablespoon of brown thugar or whatever colour thugar you can find.  Wix 
mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees.  Now pour the whole mess into the oven
and bake for 3 minutes.  Check the rum again and bo to ged.
  

Symptom:	Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault:		Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution:	Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as 
		necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom:	Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault:		Glass is empty.
Solution:	Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom:	Room is spinning.
Fault:		Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution:	Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom:	Feet cold and wet.
Fault:		Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution:	Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom:	Feet warm and wet.
Fault:		Loss of self-control.
Solution:	Go and stand beside nearest dog.  After a while complain to its owner about its lack of 
		house training.

Symptom:	Lap cool and wet.
Fault:		Drooling on yourself.
Solution:	Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom:	Bar blurred.
Fault:		You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution:	Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom:	Bar moving.
Fault:		You are being carried out.
Solution:	Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  If not complain loudly that you are 
		being hi-jacked.

Sympton:	Bar looks like a circus.
Fault:		You're at a circus.
Solution:	Go to a bar.

Symptom:	The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault:		You have fallen over backwards.
Solution:	If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get 
		someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom:	Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault:		You have fallen over forwards.
Solution:	Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom:	You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or 
		ceiling.
Fault:		You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution:	Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom:	Everything has gone dim.
Fault:		The pub is closing.
Solution:	PANIC!!
  

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interferring with your drinking.
Your docter finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth!
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].
Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.  I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the 
   Halekulani in Waikiki.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....
BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Your name is Ted Kennedy.
Foster Brooks appears sober to you.