I wrote some verses to let you know about my feelings after your funeral. It's hard for me right now and I don't know who to turn to. I was not ready for you to die and leave me. I want to go with you and everyone is telling me that I shouldn't feel this way. But they can't tell me how I SHOULD feel. I miss you! I'm lost and I feel so very alone. The rest of the family is around, but they are all caught up in their own grief, and it seems that no one really has time to talk with me. I want to talk with you. I want to tell you that I love you. I want to tell you that I'm glad you are my Mom. I want to tell you that I miss you. I want to tell you that you have left a big empty hole in my life that no one else can fill. I want to tell you that I am glad you are resting now and that your pain is ended and that I know that you have gone to be with Great Spirit and that I know that you are happy now. But I can't tell you, because you are gone. And you left me here to deal with this by myself, but I don't know how! And you are not here to help me! Why did you have to go away? Why do people have to die and leave big empty holes in the lives of the ones who love them? Why can't I go with you? Why do I have to stay behind? Why does death have to be part of life? Who has all the answers and how can I find out what they are? I LOVE YOU, Mama, and I miss you so much, I just don't know what to do or what to say or how to feel or how to act. All I do is cry! I am so tired of crying...but I MISS you, and I want to be with you. Please understand; I need you. So, I wrote these verses...
no time to call my own.
Withing my mind, no space,
among the things I've known...
And the words come no more;
my magic keys are gone.
I just cannot find the door,
and I just cannot go on.
My weary soul is yearning
for an answer to my pain.
My heavy eyes are burning
in my silent storm again!
Dragons and rainbows,
Circles and squares,
Pulsating emotions,
Nobody cares!
Crystals and darkness,
Lifelines and tears,
Erupting volcanoes,
Desperate fears!
Mirrors and mermaids,
Papers and pen,
Cascading teardrops,
Nobody's friend!
In the depths and canyons of my mind
lie unknown truths for me to find.
Myself creates a clone of me
to stand where someone else would be.
Alone, afraid, in a forgotten land,
clutching...reaching for a hand;
Leave my sentinel at the gate
in search of Truth, to bid him wait.
Through torment at the gates of Hell,
I drift the roads I know so well;
The road of grief, the road of pain.
The demons come for me again.
But I must search for all I'm worth
to know my mission on this Earth.
For in the meadows of my mind
lie unknown truths for me to find.
Mama said, when I was three,
She would keep a shield on me.
She's protect me from the dark;
no demon here could make a mark.
Mama said, when I was four,
"We can't use powers any more.
Other folks don't understand
moving things without your hands."
Mama said, when I was seven,
"There are many roads to Heaven.
One's not right and one's not wrong,
They all lead back where we belong."
Mama said, when I was ten,
She would teach me once again.
She said that we must all beware,
and use our powers with utmost care.
Mama said, when I was young,
"We cannot stop what has begun."
She wanted me to learn and grow.
She taught me what I'd need to know.
Mama said to me today,
"I love you, but I'm going away.
I'll be there if you reach for me,
along the roads of destiny."
What is it I am lacking?
What have I done so wrong?
Too many things have gone awry,
No music for my song.
For when I see the fading stars,
the blackness of the moon,
and realize the grief of loss,
No lyrics for my tune.
When satin burns and salt is sweet,
I see what no one sees.
and humbly kneel down and pray
No God to comfort me.
Where rain is fire and pain is king,
within a secret realm of dreams,
I find a quivering peace
And nothing is what it seems!
She lived out the music
she held in her soul.
She set her mind soundly;
she reached for her goal.
She came for a visit.
She stayed for a while.
She did things her own way;
She did them with style!