JOKES!!!!

There was this dog whose owner recently died. The dog wondered who would feed him now? For a solution to this problem the dog decided to look for a job. Walking down main street the dog noticed a help wanted sign in the window. With the sign in mouth the dog approached the proprietor. So your looking for a job, said the owner, well I suppose that I cannot discriminate against dogs. You must however be able to type. At hearing this the dog jumped up on a chair and began typing with all four paws. Great, said the man, but you must be able to file. The dog next pounced on the filing cabinet and as if digging for a bone he began to sort the files. Fantastic, said the man, however we someone who is bilingual. The dog turned to the man, and said, meow!

Había una conferencia en la selva y todos los animales asistieron. Cada animal tenia que hacer reír a la tortuga. Primero el chango (mono) que contó su mejor chiste pero ni siquiera sonrió la tortuga. Entonces le mocharon la cabeza del chango. Segundo el conejo también contó su mejor chiste pero no se rió la tortuga. El conejo perdió su cabeza. Tercero el elefante que estaba tan nervioso por ver a sus compadres decapitados que se le olvido su chiste. Me van a matar, pensó el elefante. Pero de repente se empezó reír, fuertemente, la tortuga. ¿Que pues - dijo el elefante - ni siquiera e contado mi cuento? No es por nada - dijo la tortuga - pero es que me encanto el chiste del chango.

There was this party in the jungle. When the fiesta was over the king of the jungle said, the ugliest animal in my kingdom must wash the dishes. So the monkey looked at the orangutan and the orangutan glared back at the monkey and said, don't act stupid you wash and I will dry.

There was this young boy who wanted to learn about the birds and the bees. So, he asked his mother, how he was conceived? Well, said the mother, your father has a stick and I have a hole and you father put the stick in the hole and you were given life. Oh, said the boy, now I understand. Having satisfied his curiosity he went for a walk. By chance he came upon a stick and later he saw a tree with a hole in it. Climbing the tree he stuck the stick in the hole and out came a hairy spider. The spider being annoyed with the boy spit at the boy's eyes. The boy screamed at the spider, and said, you stupid idiot if it wasn't for the fact that you are my son I would kill you.

Numbers like people have parties. The eights for example get together with other eight and have their own fiesta. Well, this was the time of the year for the zeroes to have their own bacchanal. The party got off to a great start. The music was playing and zeroes were dancing and laughing. Then late into the evening a stranger came to the party. The music stopped and the zeroes were staring at the late comer. Finally someone spoke up and said, hey stranger this is a party of zeroes and you don't look like one of us, why you look more like an eight. Then the intruder said, what is the matter with you numbers? Haven't you ever seen a zero with a belt on!

One bun said to the other bun, what is all this shit that keeps coming between us?

A boy named Pepito was beginning to take an interest in women. He told his father of his situation and the father gave him a fifty dollar bill to go to the red light district and experience a women. On his way there Pepito ran into his grandmother. Where are you going?, asked the grandmother. My father gave me money to go experience a female. Don't bother said, granny I will take care of your urges myself. A little while later Pepito left his grandmother with a smile. After he arrived back home the father asked about his adventure. Oh, said the boy I bumped into my grandmother and she made me smile. What cried the father, you screwed my mother??!!! What is the problem, asked Pepito, your always screwing my mother and you don't, find me complaining.

So there were these four brothers riding a camel. One was on the neck, the other on the front part of the hump the next behind the hump and the last hanging off the rump of the camel. The brother near the head of the camel noticed that the animal was crying and he said to this brother behind him-brother the camel is crying, the brother in front the hump told the brother behind the hump-the camel is crying- the brother behind the hump told the brother hanging off the rump-the camel is crying and he said-Well I don't give a Damn, because if I pull it out I will fall off.

So this Mexican lady flew to the U.S. and after some years she flew back to her small home town. Waiting there for her was her family and the parish priest. When the woman got off the plane the priest ask the lady what she had work at during her hiatus. She said-father I worked as a prostitute-. Upon hearing this the priest began slapping the poor woman and calling her an evil female. But out the corner of his eye he saw a corvette, furs and bags of money being unloaded from the plane. What did you say you did in the U.S.?-asked the priest. Weeping the woman said-I was a prostitute, father-. Oh, said the priest I thought you said a Protestant.

So this man had a problem with his right hand it would not stop shaking. One day he came upon a genie and he gave the man three wishes. -I would like you to make my hand like the other-said the man. Puff, and his left hand began to shake. No, the reverse of this-cried the man.. Puff , instead of pointing down the mans hands pointed towards the sky and they kept on shaking. -No, correctly, stupid!-yelled the man. Puff, the man's whole body began shaking and he acted like a stupid fool.

A rabbit was desperately cold and looking for shelter. He spied a cave and found lodging there. The cave was pitch dark so the rabbit felt his way to the back of the cave and rolled himself into a tight ball. Unknown to the rabbit was the fact that was the lion's lair. Soon the lion awoke and smelt meat. There is a meal in my cave thought the lion. Feeling his way around he searched for his next meal. Finally he placed his whole paw over the rabbit. Then the rabbit said in his lowest voice-who put their hand on my nut!

A waiter served a bowl of soup to a customer with this thumb in the broth. The customer noticed this and exclaimed -Why is your damn finger in my damn soup? -Oh said the waiter- I recently cut my finger and it got infected so I went to the doctor. He told me to keep the wound in a warm and moist place. - So the irritated customer said- so why don't you stick your infected thumb up your ass? - The waiter said- Well as a matter of fact that is where I had it before I served your dish-.

Why do seagulls live by the sea? Answer because, if they lived by the bay they would be called bagels.

So a nun and a priest are riding through the desert on a camel when the camel collapses and dies. The father looks at the nun and said-this situation does not look very promising-. No it does not -agreed the sister. Say, said the priest -since this is the end of the line would you mine showing me your breasts? I suppose not- said the nun. Wow, they are wonderful can I touch them? -Said the priest. Go ahead-said the nun. You know I have never seen a male penis, could I see yours? -Said the nun. Why, sure -said the priest. Oh my, can I touch it- said the sister. You may -said the priest. By now the priest was getting quite exited- and said- sister if I put this penis of mine in special place it brings forth life. Really! -Said the nun-So why don't you sick it up the camels asshole then we can get the hell out of here.

This is a reminder of the joke of the bimbo and the unconscious almost drowned man. The punch line is, LALALALAAALALALA.

There was this traveling salesman driving down a country road when he noticed a man in a field violating a sheep. This frightened the man and he stopped at the first farm house he found. He knocked on the door and a young boy answered. Hey, -said the man-there is a man on your land violating your sheep. Baa -said the boy- that is ok, Baa that's my dad.

So there was this German, Mexican and Japanese technocrats comparing their respective country's technology. We Germans have cellular phone the size of a human thumb -said the German. With that he talk out a thumb sized phone dialed a number and began speaking in German. Wow -said the Japanese- incredible -said the Mexican. But we-said the Japanese a cellular phone the size on a fingernail. Having said that he took out a fingernail-sized phone out of his pocket dialed a number and began speaking in Japanese. Wow -said the German- incredible -said the Mexican. We to have something -said the Mexican- with that he took his hat off and pulled an antenna wire out from the back of his head. With his tongue he dialed by pushing on individual teeth and he began speaking in Spanish. Wow -said the German- incredible -said the Japanese. And that is not all -said the Mexican - with that he dropped his pants and looking as though he was going to take a dump -he said- wait a minute here comes the fax.

Remember the joke of the three mariachi's

Remeber the joke with the pistol in the underware.

Remeber the joke with Jose Campos and the baby.

Remeber swinging the white gorilla, soil himself, lion slipping on mierda,.

Remeber the nut stuck in the monkeys bung hole.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns. Because they taste funny.

Remeber the joke of superman and wonder woman.