How can you tell when a lawyer is lying to you?
His lips are moving.

Why is New Jersey filled with toxic waste dumps and California filled with lawyers?
New Jersey got first pick.

What do you have when you have 100 lawyers up their chins in concrete?
Too little concrete.

What do you have when you have 100 lawyers up their eyeballs in water?
A good start.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.

Why won't rats gnaw on the corpses of dead lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk — the other three are mythological creatures.

How do you tell the difference between two slabs of road kill when one's a lawyer and the other's a skunk?
There might be skid marks in front of the skunk's carcass.

A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer are in a car that runs out of gas. Forced to stay at a farmer's house, they are told that there are only two extra beds, so one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble. I will stay in the barn." However, a few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on the farmhouse door. It's the Hindu, who tells him, "There's a cow in the barn, and it's against my religion for me to sleep with a cow."
So the rabbi says, I'm also humble, I'll sleep in the barn." However, a few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the rabbi, who says, "There's a pig in the barn, and it is against my religion for me to sleep in the same room as a pig."
So the lawyer has to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later there's a knock on the door ...
it's the pig and the cow.

Two law partners are eating lunch together, when the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says, "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

How do you save a drowning laywer?
Take your foot off his head.

As the lawyer came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold, you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. In return I'll require that your wife, your children and their children rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "What's the catch?"

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
Retired.

TOP 10 REASONS LAWYERS SHOULD REPLACE LAB RATS
10. There's an endless supply.
9. The lab assistants don't get attached to them.
8. It's more fun to shave and stick needles in lawyers.
7. There are some things rats just won't do.
6. It's fun to dispose of them when you're through.
5. It's not "inhumane" treatment, when it comes to lawyers.
4. No one cares when a lawyer squeals.
3. We've seen what happens when they're allowed to breed freely.
2. Lawyers belong in cages.

And the #1 reason lawyers should replace lab rats: Animal rights activist don't care if you torture them.