First Sailor Play

Prologue

PRINCESS: the captain here was once in love with a seamstress, and then a harlot, and a thespian, and even an heiress. Now he's grumpy old man. All of his crew has died of old age, and his boatswain/1st mate/ensign is about to be promoted to Captain/Boatswain/1st mate/Ensign, and he'll be left alone to repent his sins. the Sailor here, has recently found some curious sensation that hides behind his eyelids as the princess (that's me) let's him hold her; consequently, they become part of a very obvious peice of literature. the promotion on the high seas

SAILOR: (to audience) We've just left Verona, she was beautiful this time of year, and now we're about to set off on some sort of an odyssey which allegorizes life to the sea or som other such cliche. We'll have some adventures, though, to keep the audiences attention, so don't worry. (In:) Excuse me, Captain!

CAPTAIN: (dreamily) Are we equiped with Cannons?

SAILOR: Yes Sir. Of course we are! CAP: That's terrific. We just have come from Verona, have we not?

SAIL: Indeed we have, Sir!

CAP: She was beautiful, wasn't she?

SAIL: She certainly was, Sir!

CAP: If it was beautiful, then why are we leaving? ANSWER ME SAILOR!

SAIL: We are sent on a special mission by the duke of Verona, Sir! We are to sail until we arrive back at Verona. According to my calculations, we may arrive sometime next... well...whenever. Sir! CAP: And have you taken roll call of all the crew, Sailor?!

SAIL: Here, Sir! Done Sir!

CAP: So it's just you and I then, huh?

SAIL: Yes SIR! ... No Sir! Well.. for now , Sir! You see, I'm being promoted to Captain, Sir, of that ship on the horizon coming to intercept us, Sir! Then it will be only you, Sir!

CAP: Congradulations, Sailor. How does it feel to know you're about to recieve your very own ship? I tried very hard to forget how it felt so that I could ask you the same question that my Captain asked me.

SAIL: (to the Captain) Some people might get curious about two grown men spending so much time alone together on the high seas, but the answer is 'no'. No, we are not part of any biblical references to strange cities. (to the audience) Anyway, the Prince of Verona has a daughter whom he loves very much. I met her in the final days of our stay there. She filled my eyes with visions of flowing gowns and orchestras of exceeding beauty. Her face was as any marble of some goddess.

CAP: Who are you talking to? It's not safe to daydream. If a captain spends too much time staring off into the blue somewhere, he'll lose his ship in the mist, or some whirlwind. Now you must excuse me, while I go to the cabin and regret my youth.

SAIL: SIR! (to the audience) I'm going to take this time now to examine possible themes. Love is described by some as being the unseen hand that scratches his claws against the cliff face until they've been filed completely off. While this has nothing to do with the story thus far, that's not to say that it should be discarded completely. I may eventually, after revcieving jmy ship, crash into a cliff which could be some sort of a symbol working with this image, you know? Some less insane, yet more cynical people describe love as being a poison injected into your veins which makes the illusion of happiness until --- Blah! it kills you. We could have me as a heroin addict. Get it? ...heroin addict... heroine... you know, as in a female hero. Okay fine, it wasn't funny. Anyway, this theme would wast the vast potential for cliches that being the captain of a ship allows. Oh, her's my ship now. How now crew? Wherefore art thou dead? Who hast slain thee? Apparently my crew ihas not survived, and so there are two captains alone at sea, and remember that very few biblical people were ever able to know (you know?) with wood--- and since I disposed of the corpses, chastity was my fate, at least until I returned to verona. Which is where I am destined for. Not that it is my destiny, but my destination. Hopefully not my destiny anyways; although, it is beautiful in the spring. But the people there will hang you for being a sailor, or they'll accuse you of being in love with the Princess...that wonderful angel that embodies all of the heart's desire...There is nothing worse than being accused of loving an angel---- or, uh, I mean Princess, because then guys get jealous. Especially short funny looking ones. Actually, I'd like very much to be in love with the Princess, but the Duke would be upset with me because I didn't sail around in circles for long enough, or because his daughter loves a Sailor. But here on the high seas, all alone, and what else am I to do except for dream of women and have this empty loneliness in my bosom? I keep the ship's log, and I talk to audiences, but that' not enough for someone like me.

BISHOP: (falls from the sky, and fumbles with his skydiving gear) This young captain has now gotten himself into what is known as a 'rut'. He has abandoned all other characters, and left it up to a single actor to tell the story which had all of a sudden turned into something quite uninteresting. So I have boarded his ship to inform him that he is a sinner.

SAIL: So what you're telling me is that the simple fact that I am on a boat with no crew is a mortal sin that automatically condemns me to eternal hell?

BISHOP: Not if you repent! you casn still save your immortal soul. It's never too late.

SAIL: I don't understand why I should repent. I have done nothing that could logically lead me to any feelings of compunction.

BISHOP: Are you telling me that you are immaculate?

SAIL: Well no, but I just...

BISHOP: SATAN BEGONE! I charge thee satan, by all the saints of heaven, hie thee back from whence thou cameth, and return him his soul. (to the Sailor) don't worry, I think I can save you.

SAIL: Save me from what?

BISHOP: AMAZING! I have never seen such a prime example of possession before. Fascinating, but don't worry.

SAIL: How could you tell if I were possessed?

BISHOP: Because you are pretending not to know what I'm talking about, I must assume that this is an elaborate way of denying that you are a demon, and if you were a demon, you would deny it, because a demon would know that gos had charged me with the power to dispel him, I must assume that you are, in fact, what you don't claim you are not ---- a hideous monster spawned by Satan himself!

SAIL: Would the pope not deny it if I were to accuse him of being a monster?

BISHOP: Sadly, that is where the logic fails, so we at the Vatican have developed a special test to remove any doubt on these matters. This here is a vile of holy water, if I throw this at a you, and you become wet, then you must be evil, because it says in the bible somewhere that "only the evil man shall so ever be caught , um, uh, wet by a ,uh , holy man. If one chooses to believe in the hillside at Jericho" Alot of theologians have taken this to mean that modern interpreters don't have such a firm grasp on ancient hebrew as we thought, but I take it to mean that you are the DEVIL! Because watch how you become wet!

SAIL: This proves nothing in fact, but that it's time for you to go for a long stroll on this short plank.

BISHOP: Hail Mary full of grace... blessed are thou ... and ... the fruit of thy womb Jesus, holy Mary mother of gaaaawwwwwwwwwD blub blub ... You can't leave me here, I was supposed to tell you that you shouldn't aughta be so perverted when you think about the princess... blub...blub...

SAIL: I don't know what type of story he thought this was, but I hope he was greatly mistaken. HARLOT: I'm not going to ever speak with you again.

SAIL: I've always thought we were pretty close friends. If you ever did wrong to me, I would at least tell you what you did wrong

HARLOT: You make me wait for you on this boat for weeks and months and years until you come from Verona to tell me that you've fallen in love with some princess. What asm I supposed to say to that?

SAIL: I did never tell you to wait for me anywhere. The last thing I remember saying to you was to forget about me and find a willing gentleman caller. 'Find an island' I told you'and the ojne that loves you will sail to you'. You can't just take a man hostage, and expect that when he lets you touch his body that he's in love with you.

HARLOT: See what I mean. You say that you don't love me, but then how could you not be. I am in love with you, and it's just that.... I hate you!

SAIL: I'm sorry. scene two: a mountainside, with a naked wiseman

SAIL: It's said that when one is faced with a problem that it is beneficial to seek out answers and not to wait around for it to resolve itself. So I have sailed to the furthest corner of the seas where I know there is a sage that studied philosophy at many of the obscure monastaries.

GURU: You have come because you seek my wisdom to help you in your mundane affairs.

SAIL: Wow! that's amazing (to audience) isn't he amazing?(to guru) Anyway, I'm in love with a princess...

GURU: Aren't we all?

SAIL: I guess so, but I feel as though I'm sailing around in cirles, and can't have her if I continue to do so. GURU: You must examine the reasons why you feel you are sailing around in circles.

SAIL: Well, I am sailing around in circles, I didn't mean to sound metaphoric.

GURU: Why? Are you a neurotic Polar bear!? SAIL: No, but I was commissioned by the duke of Verona to do just that.

GURU: AH huh, so it's a royal proclaimation. That all sailors sail around in circle for four years SAIL: Well, it's no set amount of time. Technically, I've been doing it for longer than four years already.

GURU: I see... wel now ... I believe that I will take a long pause and recite a pensive monologue to the audience if you'll excuse me.

SAIL: Be my guest, but try not to scare them.

GURU: The solution seems pretty simple to me, but I have to make it look labourous, lest he think he's wasting his time. So if you'll bear with me while I wait for him to get anxious. It probably won't take more than a couple of days, but maybe we'll use a trick known in the industry as 'lelapsed time.

SAIL: Two days later the guru returned with my answer.

GURU: This Princess has made your head spin, yes?

SAIL: she has. GURU: And you've seen her head spin at your presence?

SAIL: I have GURU: and you love her? SAIL: I do. Well, maybe.

GURU: But her father told you to sail in circles until one day you arrive back at Verona?

SAIL: ah huh.

GURU: And you can't be in love with her until you return?

SAIL: Right!

GURU: (to audience) I'm going to tell this boy an obscure story that relates to him in a very strange way. (to the sailor) when I was a boy of around your age, there was a water Nymph whom I had great affections for. Her father was the king of Faery lake told me to seek out wisdom. I overdid his request and became the wisest man ever to live, but wisdom, alas, takes years and years to acquire, and she didn't wait for me.

SAIL: MmmmHmmm?....and ...this means

GURU: Arrive at Verona for Christ's sake! Do what he says, but don't take forever about it you schmuck.

BISHOP: I can still save your soul ! "

SAIL: Than you, sage, but I haveto go though. GURU: Don't worry about it, any time. I'll keep him busy while you escape. (to bishop) Hey father!

epilogue:

PRINCESS: So my sailor came back to me. The guru eventually repented after he thought that the two of us were safely wed, but we never did marry. You see, my father didn't like sailors. Thought they were all a bunch of queers, and he despised how they always talked in esoteric tongues meant to confuse the laymen. My love, instead, was sentenced to death as he originally feared would happen. "Death," he said. "Is better than sailing in circles until I'm a bitter old captain."

DUKE: It was that statement that caught the duke's heart, and he felt pity beyond words. EXECUTIONER: So he ordered me to make it quick and painless as possible.

DUKE: [weeping] Poor bastard! All he ever wanted was love.Hu!Hu! Hu! Hu! Ha!

PRINCESS: Well, I'll have to admit that this epiloque is getting a little bit absurd, and also a little bit tragic. So I'll just sew the poor bastard's head back on and run away with him.