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As many of you know, each year the internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us
to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead e-mail and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites,
allows for a better-working and faster internet. This year, the cleaning process will take place from
12:01 a.m. GMT on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2. During that 24-hour period, five very
powerful Japanese built multi-lingual internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274) situated around the
world will search the internet and delete any data that they find. In order to protect your valuable
data from deletion we ask that you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their internet connections.
2. Shut down all internet servers, or disconnect them from the internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the internet in any way.
5. Avoid placing operating microwave ovens or toaster/toaster ovens near your computer modem.
6. Avoid wearing nylon (or other dielectric fiber) undergarments because of the possibility of
electrical discharge.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some internet users, and we apologize.
However,we are certain that any inconvenience will be more than made up for by the increased
speed and efficiency of the internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation.

Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others: Since the last internet cleaning, the number of internet users has grown
dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming internet cleaning by posting
this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops
and internet users as well. Thank you.
Twelve More From The Puntry

1 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once
and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
 
 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
 became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
 never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the
 lesser of two weevils.
 
 3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
 to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  
 4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
 his home town for the holidays.  After looking over the menu he
 says,"I'll just have the eggs Benedict." 
 
 His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.
 He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"  
 
 The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the
 hollandaise."
 
 5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
 
 6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
 beer?"
 
 The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
 
 7. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
 during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.
 
 8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
 in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
 
 After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
 to disperse. 
 
 "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
 
 "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
 foyer."
  
 9. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
 hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and
 would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One
 afternoon, as the end of he work day approached, the bartender was
 dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly,
 he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
 bar.  The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
 and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
 
 "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
  
 10. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something
 to eat.  He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading
 a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
 
 The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.  
 
 Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
 
 11. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
 ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
 Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
 12. A guy goes to a psychiatrist.  "Doc, I keep having these alternating
 recurring dreams.  First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
 tepee; then I'm a wigwam.  It's driving me crazy.  What's wrong with me?"
 
 The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."







A "Man's Rules for Women":




  1. Learn to work the toilet seat:  if it's UP, put it DOWN.

  2. Don't cut your hair.  Ever.

  3. Don't make us guess.

  4. If you ask a question you really don't want answered, expect an answer you really don't want to hear.

  5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you.  Live with it.
 
  6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
 
  7. Get rid of your cat.  And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
 
  8. Dogs are better than cats.
 
  9. Sunday = Sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
 
  10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
 
  11. Anything you wear is fine.  Really.
 
  12. You have enough clothes.
 
  13. You have too many shoes.
 
  14. Crying is blackmail.  Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
 
  15. Your brother is an idiot.
 
  16. Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work.
 
  17. No, he doesn't know what day it is.  He never will.  Mark
      anniversaries.
 
  18. Share the bathroom.
 
  19. Share the closet.
 
  20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
 







Neiman-Marcus


 
My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in  Dallas 

& decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers,

 we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie."  It was so excellent that

I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small

frown, "I'm afraid not."  Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a

cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only

two fifty, it's a great deal!" I said with approval, just add it to my tab.

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it

was $285.00.  I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two

salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement,

it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." That's outrageous!! I called Neiman's Accounting

Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not

mean "two hundred and fifty dollars"  by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of

the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money

because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You

have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this

point."  I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas, I

threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney

General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't

give a crap, and we're not refunding your money." I waited, thinking of how I

could get even, or even try and get any of my money back.  I just said, "Okay,

you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her

that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with

an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus...for free.

She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought

of that before you ripped me off," and slammed down the phone on her.

So here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can

possibly think of.  I paid $250 for this...I don't want Neiman-Marcus to ever

get another penny off of this recipe....

 
(Recipe may be halved)
 

 
2 cups butter
 
4 cups flour
 
2 tsp. soda
 
2 cups sugar
 
5 cups blended oatmeal
 
(Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.)
 
24 oz. chocolate chips
 
2 cups brown sugar
 
1 tsp. salt
 
1- 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
 
4 eggs
 
2 tsp. baking powder
 
2 tsp. vanilla
 
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
 

 
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with

flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey

Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.
 

 
Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.
 

 
(* Although this story may or may not be true, it sure is a great choclate chip recipe*)
 







OJ Simpson

A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches
downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is
blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for
miles in all directions. After a while, he notices a guy walking from car
to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car
windows.
When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey!  What's
causing all this delay?"
The guy on the freeways says, Well, you're not going to believe this, but
OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there,
and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the
$35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's threatened to
douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give
enough money...sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment.  So I've taken
up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."

"How much have you gotten so far?"

"About ten gallons."




A Starfleet Captain Might be considered a Redneck if................

1) - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month 
2)- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles 
3) - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" 
4)- he refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters" 
5)- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" 
6)- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil 
7) - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section 
8) - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" 
9) - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen 
10)- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle 
11)- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it 
12)- he says "Yea Haw! Let�s get this puppy movin!!!" instead of "Engage"
13)- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser 
14) - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba" 
15) - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster" 
16)- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens 
17)- he paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes 
18) - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special" 
19)- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp" 
20) - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale 
21) - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen" 
22) - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls 
23) - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge 
24) - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
25) - he sets phaser to "Cajun" 
26) - he has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables 
27) - the warp reactor is coated in duct tape ,Bond-O, and Super-Glu 
28) - he orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine 
29) - he lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol 
30) - he keeps livestock in the cargo bay 
31) - he refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target practice I ever had." 
32) - he orders the ship into timewarp so he can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet 
33) - the ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are all named after his favorite movie actresses


Reference Letter
Next time you are asked to write a reference letter, think of this... 

-----
The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith: 

 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 
 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 
 finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended 
 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 
 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 
 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 
 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
 executed as soon as possible.

 Signed ...

--------------------------------------------------------------- 

 A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER: 

 That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the 
 report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
 numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him. 

 Regards ...



Cover Letters
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were
 printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.

  1.  "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
  2.  "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet
 progroms."
  3.  "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
  4.  "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
  5.  "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
  6.  "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
  7.  "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
  8.  "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
  9.  "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
  10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
  11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
  12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
  13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
  14  "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
  15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
  16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no
 training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock rokerage."
  17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
  18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
  19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
  20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
  store."
  21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I
 have never quit a job."
  22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
  23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
 get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those
 conditions."
  24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
  employers."
  25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
  26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."


These quotes were taken from acual performance evaluations.

  1.  "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
 and has started to dig."
  2.  "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
  curiosity."
  3.  "I would not allow this employee to breed."
  4.  "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
 a definitely won't be."
  5.  "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
 rat in a trap."
  6.  "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
  whichever foot was previously in there."
  7.  "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
  8.  "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
  9.  "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
  achieve them."
 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
  11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the
 better."

These are actual lines from military performance

appraisals or OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports)

1.  Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
 2.  Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
 3.  A room temperature IQ.
 4.  Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
 together.
 5.  A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
 6.  A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
 7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
 8.  Bright as Alaska in December.
 9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
 10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
 11. Fell out of the family tree.
 12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
 coming.
 13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
 14. He's so dense, light bends around him.
 15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
 16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
 17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
 18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
 19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
 20. One neuron short of a synapse.
 21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
 22. Takes him 1 + hours to watch 60 minutes.
 23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.



Student Bloopers
The following is said to be written by actual students and are "genuine, authentic,
and unretouched." 
                                              
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world,
so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's
wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to
in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the
unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray
by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. 

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the
dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment
is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not
admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his
son to stand still and he obeyed him. 

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins,
a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had
300 wives and 700 porcupines. 

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one
to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were
the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was,
by profession, a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another
name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.




Originally from: Jack Elliston 
Originally dated: Fri, 24 Apr 1998 07:14:07 -0700 (PDT)

Travel agents? dilemmas

The following are actual stories told to travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens

generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)... 

 
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost

info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
 


I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length

of the flight and the passport

information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is

in Massachusetts."  Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,

"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."  Her response....click. 



A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles.  She gave me various names

off a list, none of which I could find.  I finally had her fax me the list. To my

surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana.  She thought the LA stood

for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of of L.A.  Worst of all, when I called

her back, she was not even embarrassed.



A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the

vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain

that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.  He replied, "Don't

lie to me.  I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." 



I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" 

I said, "No."  He said "but they look so close on the map." 



Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I pulled up the

reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted

to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive

between the gates to save time." 



A nice lady just called.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from 

Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried  to explain that Michigan

was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not  understand the concept of time zones.

Finally I told her the plane went  very fast, and she bought that!



A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your

bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"  I said, "No, why do you ask?" 

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage

that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"  After putting her on 

hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back

and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting

a destination tag on her luggage. 



I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"

 I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823,

but none of these damn planes have numbers on them." 



A woman called and said, " I need to fly to pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."

I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.  She said, "Yea, whatever." 



A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to

China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports I reminded him he needed a visa.  "Oh no

I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."  I double checked,

and sure enough, his stay required a visa.  When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to

China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."





UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM


University: ______________________
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from
______ to _______ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______Medical School
______Graduate School
______Dental School
______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club
______Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in:
_______________.

__5. I'll lose my scholarship.

__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your
exam.

__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:
____Males
____Jews
____Blacks
____Females
____Catholics
____Whites
____Protestants
____Moslems
____Minorities
____Chicanos
____People
____Students

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
____mono
____broken baby finger
____acute alcoholism


__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:
____too detailed to pick out important points
____not explained in sufficient detail
____too boring
____all jokes and not enough material
____all of the above

__17. This course was:
____too early, I was not awake.
____at lunchtime, I was hungry
____too late, I was tired

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes,paper) for this course.

__19. Other__________________


Tech Support Request
 
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.  No mention of this phenomenon was included  in the product brochure.  In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors  all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash  2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.  I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program.  Can you help me?
 
- Jonathan Powell
 
 Dear Jonathan Powell-
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to
a primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to
Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program.
 
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to  run
everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the
program from the system once installed.  Trying to un-install Wife
1.0 can be disasterious.  Doing so may destroy your hard and/or
floppy drive.  Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy
valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.  Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-
Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the
background,  while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects
Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-
recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download simular
products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have
become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep  Wife 1.0  and
just deal with  the situation.
 
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).  You must
assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.
The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset
button as soon as lock-up occurs.  System will run smooth as long as
you take the blame for all GPFs.  Wife 1.0 is a great program but is
very high maintenance.
 
 Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
     -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
     -Frequently use Communicator 5.0
 
 -Tech Support


Here's a humourous take on an old classic, which one do you belive?

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?


Fox Mulder

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.  How many more chickens have to cross the road

before you believe it?




Moses

And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross

the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.




Richard M. Nixon



The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.




Jerry Seinfeld



Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck

was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"




Bill Gates



I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will

lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook.  Unfortunately, when

it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.




Oliver Stone



The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the

road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"




Darwin



Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they

are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.




Martin Luther King, Jr.



I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.



Grandpa



In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken

had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.




Machiavelli



The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares why? The end of crossing the road

justifies whatever motive there was.




Albert Einstein



Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon

your frame of reference.




Buddha



Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.




Ralph Waldo Emerson



The chicken did not cross the road -- it transcended it.



Ernest Hemingway



To die. In the rain.



Colonel Harlan Sanders



I missed one?



MeatLoaf



To prove to the raccoon it could be done.






WORDS FROM WOMEN

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
--- Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy.
--- Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me
she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels
GOOD for 36 hours.
--- Rita Rudner

I figure if the children are alive when he gets home, I've done my job.
--- Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
--- Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was
kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
--- Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and
a sensitive man."
I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
--- Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.
--- Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
--- Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
--- Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
--- Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
--- Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead.
--- Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to
an amusement park.
--- Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's
because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?---
Wendy Liebman

I think, therefore I'm single.
--- Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country."
--- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
--- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
--- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an
assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted
as a male schlemiel."
--- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
done, ask a woman."
--- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose
Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary."
--- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career."
--- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
--- Gloria Steinem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they
should live next door and just visit now and then."
--- Katharine Hepburn

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."
---- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
--- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Rules for Yankees who move to the South


1.  Save all manner of bacon grease.
    You will be instructed later how to use it.
2.  If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her)as "Bubba".   
    You have a 75% chance of being right.
3.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.   
    Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
    Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack  
    of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. 
    Don't try to help them.  Just stay out of their way.
    This is what they live for.
5.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.  Do not buy food at the movie store.
7.  If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, 
    let alone eat it.
8.  Remember:  "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is plural. 
    "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9.  There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
    accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.  
    They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
    Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", 
    as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".  
    Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect 
    with this expression.  One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised:  The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the
    last shovel of dirt is thrown and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all,watch this!" 
    stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18.  Most Southerners do not use turn signals, 
     and they ignore those who do. 
     In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a 
     southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on 
     when the car was purchased.
19.  Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
     car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20.  The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September 
     can wait until November.
21.  If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the 
     most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required
     at the local grocery store.  It does not matter if you need 
     anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22.  Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  
     When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in 
     front of your trailer.   This is logical bearing in mind that
     the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should,
     therefore, be displayed.
23.  Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
     common.  In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24.  Florida is not considered a southern state.  
     There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25.  In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and
     Honor.  You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy",
     "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26.  As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
     directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned 
     to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this 
     is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27.  You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already
     know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off 
     trying to find it yourself.


  A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
 
  Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
 
  Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
 
  Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho".
 
  Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase  by 40 pounds.
 
  PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
 
  Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
 
  Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
 
  "Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
 
  Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.
 
  Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of  bedtime.
 
  Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of  the credit.
 
  Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
 
  Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
 
  Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
 
  Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
 
  Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of  course you don't look fat in that outfit," "Go to sleep-I'll take care of the  baby," etc.
 
  Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
 
  Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
 
  Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
 
  All toilet seats would be nailed down.
 
  Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

  TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.
 
  All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
 
  During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys.
 
  Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
 
  After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and   foot.
 
  For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
 
  Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband
approached, she slapped him up side the head, WHACK!  He was a little
dazed and asked,   "What was that for?"

She said, "I  was cleaning out his pants to put them in the laundry
and found a piece of paper with the name 'Foxy Roxy' on it."

He said, "Honey, you know that I went out the other day with the boys
to the race track.  I bet on a horse named 'Foxy Roxy' and that we
won a lot of money on it.

She felt so bad that she fixed him his favorite dinner and really
treated him good since she had made this mistake and not trusted him.

A few days went by and the husband came through the door and "WHACK,"
she smacked him up side the head again.  He said, "Ouch!  What was
that for???"

She replied, "Your horse called today......."     



The Hickphonics/English dictionary:
 
HEIDI - noun.  Greeting.
 HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
 Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
 BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
 Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
 JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Hot-lanta.
 Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
 MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
 Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd
 from him in munts."
 IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
 Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
 RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
 Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
 brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
 ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. 
 Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
 truck."
 FAR - noun. A conflagration.
 Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup
 truck, that things gonna catch far."
 BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
 Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern wordsand git back to
 work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
 TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
 Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat
 tar in my pickup truck."
 TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
 Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see
 that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
 RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
 Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
 TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
 Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
 FAT - noun, verb.
 1. a battle or combat.
 2. to engage in battle or combat.
 ARE - pronoun.  Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
 RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
 Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
 FARN - adjective. Not local.
 Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
 country."
 DID - adjective. Not alive.
 Usage: "He's did, Jim."
 EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
 Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"
 BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
 Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
 JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
 Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob
 war fence cump'ny?"
 HAZE - a contraction.
 Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
 SEED - verb, past tense.
 VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
 Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
 HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
 Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
 GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
 Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert." 



Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
 When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
 "You're running around with other women," she charged.
 "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
 The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.  It was Eve.
 "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
 "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
 
 
 After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York
cab
 driver had been awarded a higher place than he.  "I don't understand,"
 he complained to Saint Peter.  "I devoted my entire life to my
 congregation." 
 "Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter
explained.
 "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a
 sermon?"
 "Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell
asleep
 from time to time."
 "Exactly," said Saint Peter.  "And when people rode in this man's
taxi,
 they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."
 
 
 In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed
great
 skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
 me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally
unable to
 come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
 At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
 counter about the helmets.  She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
 "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"  I assured her that I did,
 but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She
 jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some
pages,
 and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
 Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three
 wise man came from afar.'"  (read this with a southern accent)
 
 A woman and her Cocker Spaniel were flying from New York City to Tel
 Aviv.  When the plane landed in Israel, the baggage handlers saw that
 the dog was dead. After a very fast conference, one of the men was
sent
 into the city to buy another Cocker Spaniel. When he returned, the
 substitution was made, and the angry woman was presented with the new
 dog.  The woman took one look and exclaimed, "That's not my dog!" The
 airline rep, who knew of the substitution, asked, "How can you say
that?
 The crate has your name on it."
 She said, "My dog is dead. I was bringing him to Israel to bury him."





> A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs.  She
> gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them 
>come up with the rest.
>> >>> As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
>
>> >>> Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
>
>> >>> Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
>
>> >>> It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
>
>> >>> You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
>
>> >>> Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
>
>> >>> A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
>
>> >>> You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
>
>> >>> If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
>
>> >>> The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
>
>> >>> An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
>
>> >>> Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
>
>> >>> Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
>
>> >>> A penny saved is........................................not much.
>
>> >>> Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
>
>> >>> Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to
> blow your nose.
>
>> >>> Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
>
>> >>> When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.


"A Quick Course in Comparative Religions" (Based on bumper sticker: "He 
who dies with the most toys wins.") 

     Capitalism 
     He who dies with the most toys, wins. 

     Jehovah's Witnesses 
     He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins. 

     Catholicism 
     He who denies himself the most toys, wins. 

     Pentecostalism 
     He whose toys can talk, wins. 

     Buddhism 
     He who dies with no toys, wins. 

     Communism 
     Everyone gets the same number of toys, and whoever is aught 
     selling his toys goes straight to hell. 

     Atheism 
     There is no toy maker. 

     Polytheism 
     There are many toy makers. 

     Evolutionism 
     The toys made themselves. 

     Confucianism 
     Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry. 

     Branch Davidians 
     He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins. 

     Hinduism 
     He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals,loses. 

     Mormonism 
     Every boy can have as many toys as he wants. 

     Muslim 
     He who plays only with soldier toys, wins. 

     Satanism 
     He who plays with fire, wins. 

     Judaism 
     He who plays without following the rules, loses. 

     Anglican 
     They were our toys first. 

     Greek Orthodox 
     No, they were OURS first. 

     7th Day Adventist 
     He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses. 

     Baptist 
     Once played, always played. 

<---------------------------------------------------------IRS-->


You May Be Drinking Too Much Coffee When:
> 
> - You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
> - You speed walk in your sleep.
> - You answer the door before people knock.
> - Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
> - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
> - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
> - You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
> - You sleep with your eyes open.
> - You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
> - The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
> - You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using
> the timer.
> - You lick your coffee pot clean.
> - You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House"
> - You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you
> don't even work there.
> - You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
> - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
> - You chew on other people's fingernails.
> - Cocaine is a downer.
> - The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
> - All your kids are named "Joe"
> - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
> - You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel.
> - Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their 
margaritas.
> - You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
> - You can jump-start your car without cables.
> - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
> - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
> - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
> - You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
> - You don't sweat, you percolate.
> - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not
> plugged in.
> - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
> - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
> - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
> - Instant coffee takes too long.
> - People get dizzy just watching you.
> - When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up.
Sixty-three
> 
> more, I'll have a cup."
> - The Taster's Choice couple want to adopt you.
> - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
> - You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
> - People can test their batteries in your ears.
> - Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
> - You channel surf faster without a remote.
> - When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
> - You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee
> can.
> - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
> - You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
> - You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
> - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
> - You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".
> - Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
> - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
> - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
> - You can't even remember your second cup.
> - You help your dog chase it's tail.
> - You get drunk just so you can sober up.
> - You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
> - Your Thermos is on wheels.
> - You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
> - You introduce your spouse as your "CoffeeMate".
> - Your first-aid kit contains 2 pints of coffee with an I-V hookup.
> - You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
> - You short out motion detectors.
> - You have a conniption over spilled milk.
> - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
> - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
> - You don't tan, you roast.
> - You don't get mad, you get steamed.
> - Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
> - You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."




>>Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers:
>1)  Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
>    recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>2)  The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
>people
>    who are not afflicted with any church.
>3)  The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.  All
>ladies
>    are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
>4)  Evening massage - 6 p.m.
>5)  The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
>would
>    lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
>morning.
>6)  The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
>recession.
>7)  Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to  8:30p.m.
>    Please use the back door.
>8)  Ushers will eat latecomers.
>9)  The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
>accomplishment.
>10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
>nursery downstairs.
>11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
>audience.
>12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
>will
>    sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
>13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
>    hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
>14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
>    pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
>15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
>    discontinued until further notice.
>16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
>17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
>    Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
>18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
>19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
>church
>    basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend
>this tragedy.
>20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.  Special
>thanks
>    are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening
>    at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
>21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
>Mrs.
>    Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin
>sang a
>    duet, The Lord Knows Why.
>22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
>23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full
>choir.
>24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
>    Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
>    Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
>25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr.
>Hargreaves is better.
>26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
>27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
>28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
>29) Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary.
>30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
>several
>    new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
>to join the choir.
>32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing
>for
>    the girth of their first child.
>33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m.  Please use large double door at
>the side entrance.


THE BARBER

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small
Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he
intended to let the local barber shave him each day.  He put on his
hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the
pastor of the town's Baptist Church.  The barber's wife, Grace, was
working that day, so she performed the task.

Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That
will be $20."

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and
went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his
face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the
day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave
every day.

The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later,
the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.
It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but
you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers
still haven't started growing back."

The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment.
She responded, "You were shaved by Grace.  Once shaved, always
shaved."



If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
immediately without reading it.  This is the most dangerous e-mail
virus yet.

It demagnetizes the strips on all your credit cards, reprograms your
ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will completely
re-write your hard drive, (and your soft drive too).

Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your
computer.  It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so
all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.  It will give your
ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.  It will drink all
your soda and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.  It will hide your car keys when you are late for
work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static
while stuck in traffic.

 When executed, "Badtimes" will also give you nightmares about circus
midgets.  It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
rogaine.  "Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm disease and brown patch.

If the "Badtimes" mail message is opened in a Windows 95 environment,
it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub.  It will not only remove the
forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also
refill your skim milk with whole milk.  It is insidious and subtle.  It
is
dangerous and terrifying to behold.  It is also a rather interesting
shade of mauve.

These are just a few of the signs.

Be afraid.  Be very, very afraid.



Next time you think you are having a bad day, read this.
 
     1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved
animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
 
     2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
  carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
  After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
 
     3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
  frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current
  she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking
  his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening
  to his walkman.
 
     4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
  sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
  thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
  trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
 
     And the capper.......
 
     5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
  letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
  Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.




*20 Fun Things To Do at the Mall*

1. Buy a new bathing suit and swim in the fountain
2. Bring a bunch of pants in to the dressing room. Come out later and
tell the salesperson none of them are leakproof.
3. Ask if a particular saw cuts through bone.
4. Get on the first step of the stairs, wait, and tell other people the
escalator must be broken.
5. Pose as a dummy in a department store.
6. Ask the casheir if they take pesos.
7. Ask the sales person in the pet store if gerbils come in bulk and if
they have much white meat on them.
8. Ride the elevator all day.
9. Buy a bunch of clothes. Return them later, and when the salesperson
asks why, say "they didn't look good on my
dog"
10. Come in to the drug store looking deppressed. Ask if they have
over-the-counter prozac.
11. Stay in the magazine store all day and read the magazines cover to
cover.
12. If you are a guy, go in to a womans clothing store, and bring dresses
into the dressing room with you. Come out,
and in you're most feminie voice say "they just aren't me"
13. Do cartwheels down the main part of the mall.
14. Wear sunglasses, carry a cane, and set up a pot in front of you that
says "help me, I'm blind" see how much
money you can get.
15. Test all the matresses and beds.
16. Go to sleep in the bed display at department stores. Stir and snore
when people walk by.
17. Ask to hold one of the dogs in the pet store. Let it escape.
18. Go into Pier 1 and ask if they have any big pieces of junk made of
straw.
19. Knock over displays.
20. Rock back and forth slowly in front of a security camara.




ARE YOU FEELING OLD?   IF NOT, CONSIDER THIS:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
in 1980...

...they have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.

...they were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

...Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

...their world has always included AIDS.

...Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they
may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard)
one.

...the digital Disc was presented to Wall street when they were 1 year old.

...from their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and
threw away.

...as far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

...few, if any, have lived without an answering machine.

...few have used a TV set with only 13 channels.

...some use the word "clickers" for "remote control", yet they do not know
why they say it.

...they were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

...the expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.



YOU'RE PROBABLY AGED 25 TO 35 IF:

You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a
pouch you could wear around your waist.

You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

You remember LeFreak by Chic

In your sophomore class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the
collar "up."

"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.

In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get
together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and
over again.

You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you
in the "tail gunner" position.

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English
language.

You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe
having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after
all.

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

Bo and Luke Duke.

There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

Knickers and leg warmers were cool

You learned to swim about the same time "Jaws" came out and still carry the
emotional scars to this day.

You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and
choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.

You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.

The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for
You" by Madonna.

You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: "My name, is Charlie...they work for me."

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut

You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to
see if Jenny would answer.

You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you
had to move the selector switch accordingly.

You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.

Feathered hair

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages
of Bazooka gum.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.



How to BRIGHTEN your day by ANNOYING others!

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark,17 inch paper
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when you back up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. 21. type only in lowercase.
22  Dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"...  "What?"... "Never mind, it's gone  now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done,  announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood. And the Final Way to Annoy People...
34. Send this email to everyone in your email address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them things like this!




Failure to Communicate

This is a transcript of a radio conversation between a US and Canadian authorities off the coast
of Newfoundland in October,1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE
UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS
AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH,
THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREESNORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse.




WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby
supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in
her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands
behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that
she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat,
making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out,
but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.



Male or Female??
The question for the day - is your computer male or female? You decide!  As
you are aware, ships have long been characterised as being female
(e.g."steady as she goes" or "she's listing to starboard Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that
computers should be also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for
drawing this conclusion follow:

Five Reasons to believe Computers are Female:
1.  No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.  The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as
"if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you"
4.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should
be referred to as male.  Their reasons are as follows:
1.  They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2.  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
	ARE the problem.
3.  As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a
	little longer you could have obtained a better model.
4.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5.  Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.




Please excuse my sarcasm!  This is dedicated to every one of you who sent me that
Disney/Bill Gates thing!
 
 I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having
 been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one
 day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full
 of ice and he was sore all over.  When he got out of the tub he realized
 that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said
 "Call 911!"  But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to
 his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his
 hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"  He knew it
 wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working
 on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His
 program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get
 together and distribute the $600 Nieman Marcus cookie recipe under the
 leadership of Bill Gates.  (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass
 e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld
 vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
 
 The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing
 kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an
 HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to
 the world of AIDS."  Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -
 the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one
 whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the
 American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he
 receives.  I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's
 in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you
 will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you
 send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
 
 So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the
way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on.  To be
 helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a
 gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused
 the Dark Ages.



20 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE:

1. Sit up. Say, "Time to make the doughnuts." Leave. Do this often.

 2. Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.

 3. Every night before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he or
she brings it to you, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If the roommate ever
refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging noises until your roommate obeys.

4. Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the
room that are sunny.

5. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up.

6. Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away.

7. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.

8. Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him or her.

9. Constantly drink from an empty glass.

10. Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves.

11. While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.

12. Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.

13. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you every morning.

14. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into
the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches.  If your roommate inquires,
refuse to discuss the situation.

15. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day,
get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup.
When your roommate comes
in, look at the shake, look at the empty hamster cage, say "I was curious."  I think
you could pull that one off.

16. Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket.

17. Aerate your underwear drawer.  Claim that "they" are not getting enough oxygen.

18. Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate's
pictures. Complain
that they were staring at you.

19. Get a surfboard and put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about
fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out"and fall off the
bed onto the floor.
Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes
over to "rescue you."
Refer to them as "my hero" from then on.

20. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes,wake him or her up and say,
"It's time to go to bed now."


There was a blonde who was sick and tired of being ridiculed 
for being blonde, so she decided to fix it by dying her hair 
brunette.
 
Well, she was driving along a country road one day when she 
saw a shepherd with his flock. 

She decided to see if she could pass as a brunette and if she 
did indeed get any smarter. 

She pulled over to the side of the road and asked the shepherd 
if she could guess how many sheep he had she could have one. 

The shepherd thought this was an unusual request, but he 
agreed. 

The blonde thought about it for a minute and said, "one 
hundred and fifty." 

The shepherd said she was right and that she could pick a 
sheep to take home. 

She did and as she was putting it into the trunk of the car, 
the shepherd stopped her and said, "If I can guess your real 
hair color, can I have my dog back?"
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Quick Contents

Some Hilarious Quotes

Internet/E-mail Humour

Oldies but Goodies

Bric-A-Brack

Famous People's Misquotes

Sports Quotations:

THINGS LEARNED

IRS Warinig Notice

Internet Cleaning

Twelve More From The Puntry

A "Man's Rules for Women":

Neiman-Marcus

OJ Simpson

A Starfleet Captain Might be considered a Redneck if................

Reference Letter

Cover Letters

These quotes were taken from acual performance evaluations.

These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports)

Student Bloopers

Travel agents? dilemmas

UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM

Tech Support Request

Here's a humourous take on an old classic, which one do you belive?

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

These are actual lines from military performance
appraisals or OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports)
