Discourse to the Dead
Chapter II
Nocturnal Fear
And so it was, it is, and it shall
ever be. That which was shall ever be. But thinking of "to be".... before I ask
who or what He is, should I not ask what the verb "to be" means? Ah, I have
given too little thought to it. It seems like I have assumed that I know what
being means. But do I? I am not even clear of my own being, and how can I
question His presence? He may well be a fabrication or conjuration. But thinking
of it, I myself may be a fabrication or conjuration too. Why, what, who, and
what exactly is existence? But then, what exactly is "is"?
I am running nowhere, am I? Is there
even an answer? It seems like my supreme reason cannot find out. What is
existence.... but by asking the question, it has already been assumed that
existence is a real phenomenon. That is begging the question. And therefore,
that which is cannot be explained. My first obstacle, this is!
Come to think of it, have I not known
what existence means when I ask what it is? Perhaps this is one of those
questions that the answer is known without logical reasoning. If this is so,
then there is no answer to it. I am for I am, and He is for He is. No, no, no!
He must be deceiving me. This foul
creature, deceiving me into this existence, fooling me and telling me that all
these things are true and real! All those images of mountains and rivers are
still vivid in my head, and all those people too! But no, they must be an
illusive deception. Even I myself am fooled to think to have existed. I am
nothing, for I cannot quantify that self who speaks even now.
But wait.... That demon is eluding me
again. If he truly tries to deceive me, than at least there is a "me" to be
deceived! Tell all the lies you want, fiend! Tell me mountains never existed,
nor did man, nor did rivers. But so long as you are deceiving me and I am
thinking, you cannot bring about that I am nothing at all. I think, and I am. I
am the thinking mind, and hell with the body! I need it no more. Soon, this
thinking mind will leave this pathetic scope of the world, into rest and peace!
But before that, I must defeat you.