Ok, so you've probably been jumping for joy (er, angst, that is), thinking,
'Wow, this angst thing is
really cool. I'm tired of a happy-go-lucky life, how can I become pale
and tragic instead? Sign me up for Generation X!' Well, my friend,
it's not that easy. For one thing angst isn't specific to Generation X;
you don't have to be an Xer to be angstful, nor do you have to be
angstful if you're in Generation X (born between 1965-1980). It's just that
since a lot of Generation X claims to be dissatisfied with life, they
become angst-recipients almost out of principle's sake. They're natural
candidates, yes, but that doesn't mean that if you don't fit their age
description that you can't join the ranks of angst.
ANGST DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE!
Anyone can become angstful, but it isn't just given to you. There are
certain steps you have to take and a lot of work you must do. But in the
end, it'll be worth it. What follows is a handy guide that, if followed
correctly, will successfully inititate you into the ways of angst.
WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO...
To be a full fledged patron of angst, you have to meet each of the
following specified requirements, as they are described. If you are able
to do this, then congratulations! You've made it! If you are unable to
do it at this time, don't give up; there'll be plenty of time to work on
it.
Category I: Personal Status
To successfully complete this category, you must be one of the
following:
Part of Generation X
Unemployed
Over 30 and Still Living With Parents
Category II: Wardrobe
For this category, you must fulfill four of the following
requirements,
except for '*' which is required, not optional.
Wear Black Clothing at Least 4 Days of the Week
Ripped Jeans Must Outnumber Unripped Jeans 3 to 1
Must Own at Least 7 Flannel Shirts*
Shoe Collection Consists of Converse All-Stars and/or Boots
Do All Shopping at Vintage/Used Clothing Stores
Own No Well-known Name Brands
Get at Least 5 Wears Out of Clothing Before Washing
Speak all statements very profoundly and dramatically as if you were
reciting them for a play in front of hundreds of people. A hand held
pathetically to the forehead in an "alas"-type manner is also
very effective.
Understand the words, 'alternative,' 'grunge,' and
'hard-core' extensively.
Category IV: Music
Three of the following must be met for this category.
Refuse to Listen to Top 40 Radio Stations Under Any Circumstances
Listen Only to Alternative and Grunge Music and/or Classic Rock. Be
Sure and Describe it as 'hard-core.'
Attend at Least 5 Concerts per Year, 3 of Which You Must Head-Bang
at and 2 of Which You Must Get Passed Around By the Audience at. (Note:
One of those requirements can be waived if you get in a fight with
someone else there instead).
Devote All Your Energy to Getting a Guitar and Trying to Start a
Band. Knowing how to Play is not Required.
Make Fun of All Other Types of Music/People who don't Listen to Your
Type of Music
Category V: Food, Drink, Substance, Etc.
You must indulge in one of the following (I recommend the Trendy
Beverages) as well as '*' which is mandatory:
Smoking
Drugs
Alcohol
Trendy Beverages: Fruitopia, Snapple, Orange Crush, etc.
Coffee Drinks*
Category VI: Miscellaneous Appearance
You must fulfill three of the requirements for this category.
Have an Earring
Have a Tattoo
Hair must be Either REALLY Long or Shaved--No In-Between's
Males Must Have at Least 4 Day Intervals Between Shavings
No More than One Shower per Day
Absolutely NO Suntanning of Any Kind
Must Wear Clothing in Layers--No Matter What the Temperature Is
Minimize Smiling
Category VII: Miscellaneous Lifestyle
Three of the following:
Watch Extensive Amounts of MTV
Watch no Mainstream, Trendy Movies
Hang Out in Coffeshops
Complain About Everything
Sit Around with Your Friends and do Nothing
Convince Everyone that Total Anarchy is the Only way to Save the World.
Refuse to Do, Buy, or Eat Anything that Costs over $10 (Concerts,
CD's, and Musical Equipment Excluded).
Get Rides With Other People as Much as Possible
Become a mime or at least want to really bad.
Congratulations!
If you've successfully survived these angst initiation tests, then you're
ready to have your name engraved on The Wall of
Angst. Contact the Angst High Council and we will see to
it your name is put down in the records. Angst on!
