Following on the heels of my critically acclaimed self-interview, I've decided to step it up a notch. I'm a very tough act to
follow as a subject, which is why I had to reach beyond this mortal plane for my next interview. I hope you'll enjoy this interview
with the man my Judeao-Christian friends will recognize as the creator of the universe... God!
(Note: Any pagans, atheists, Muslims, etc., may feel free to laugh at us.)
JD: Thank you very much for agreeing to this interview, God, I'm sure you're quite busy.
GOD: Not really, no. I can't belive you'd actually look around at the shitty world you live in, and see much of my influence there.
JD: I guess you're right. Well, if you're kinda a hands-off manager of our planet, what DO you do in all the free time?
GOD: Usually I just play air-hockey with Jimi Hendrix. I think he's letting me win...
JD: Maybe you should get involved more as a manager. I mean, what with all the wars, diseases, poverty, discrimination and stuff.
GOD: No, that's all running as planned.
JD: WHAT?!!? You did all that on purpose? How can you justify that?
GOD: Downsizing. We do have a budget to stick to, you know.
JD: I guess so. Hey, you know what would have been cool? If dogs had wings!
GOD: Shut up.
JD: And what's up with leeches? Why did you put leeches in all the popular swimming spots?
GOD: Shut up.
JD: Couldn't you have made milk come from some other animal than cows? Why don't we get milk directly from humans? Now that would rock...
GOD: SHUT UP!!! I don't tell you how to live, now do I?
JD: Well, actually...
GOD: Point taken. Can we change the subject?
JD: You can change anything you want, big guy.
GOD: You're darn skippy I can. And don't forget it.
JD: Uh... sure thing. (Nervous pause) Uh... what's with this whole Ten Commandments deal?
GOD: You mean the movie? It was ponderous. Charlton Heston is a self-righteous asshole. I knew Moses, and believe me, Charlton Heston is no Moses.
JD: Actually, I was talking about the actual commandments. Some of them I understand... but aren't they a bit harsh?
GOD: What do you mean?
JD: I mean, like, couldn't you change "Thou shalt not commit adultery" to "Thou shalt not commit adultery more than once a week"? It's all about
balance, man.
GOD: I'd have to run that by the moral policy committee. I'll get back to you in sex to eight millenia.
JD: And that whole "graven image" thing? What's that all about?
GOD: I never really liked that one, to be honest, but the angels made me put it in. Damn union...
JD: There's a union in Heaven? What union would have the cajones to organize Heaven?
GOD: The Teamsters.
JD: Figures. So you know where Hoffa is?
GOD: No comment.
JD: Okay, God, we want the real dirt about the Mary thing. She wasn't really a virgin, was she?
GOD: She was when I found her... heh heh heh.
JD: That doesn't seem like a very God-like attitude.
GOD: Hey, why should the Greek deities get all the fun? I've got needs too.
JD: About Jesus... how'd he do all that walking on water, feeding people with fish, bringing back the dead jazz?
GOD: Uh, he's the Son of God, you dipshit.
JD: Okay, I guess that was a dumb question. I have to make 50 of these, some of them are bound to be inferior.
GOD: I know that situation. I've gotta make 6 billion people... and every once in a while, one like you comes out.
JD: Man, do you have to be so harsh? You're hurting my feelings here.
GOD: I'm just telling it like it is.
JD: So I really am a born loser?
GOD: Yup. That inferiority complex is well grounded in fact. No need for self doubt anymore, my son. I'm telling you flat out, you suck.
JD: Man, I don't care if you're God. You're just being a jerk now.
GOD: ARE YOU FRONTIN' ME?!!?
JD: Sorry, God. Calm down, man, I didn't mean anything by it.
GOD: You better not have. I'm this close to bustin' some caps in your sorry ass.
JD: If we can steer to a less controversial topic, how's the economy in Heaven?
GOD: I'm a being of pure good. I am thus incapable of thinking about economics.
JD: Right, I forgot. How about the political sit- Never mind. What's the weather like?
GOD: Oh boy, can I tell you're a Canadian or what?
JD: Does it ever snow while you're waiting at the bus stop in Heaven? I hate that.
GOD: There are no bus stops in Heaven.
JD: Really? Why not?
GOD: Budget cutbacks at Metro Transit.
JD: But you must have those sliding sidewalk thingies...
GOD: Oh yeah... that's the stuff.
JD: And those motion-sensored urinals, where all you have to do is drop your pants.
GOD: Yeah, it's kind of like being the President.
JD: You really _do_ have all the amenities beyond the Pearly Gates.
GOD: We consider ourselves a full service joint.
JD: So, can you tell me what the meaning of life is?
GOD: That'll have to wait until you die.
JD: Oh, I can't wait that long!
GOD: You can't wait six months?
JD: No, tell me now!
GOD: Hold on, I've got Matt Groening's lawyer on the phone.
JD: Been there.
GOD: (on phone) Well, you've got a point. I can't find a decent lawyer up here... so 50 million it is. (to me) Now, where were we?
JD: The meaning of life.
GOD: Right... There is none. It's just a bunch of random, meaningless shit that happens.
JD: I knew it!
GOD: Don't be so proud of yourself, lots of people have figured it out before you.
JD: And what do they usually do?
GOD: Either become depressed, cynical, hate-filled people, or kill themselves.
JD: Oh no! I might have to kill myself?
GOD: I said "or", not "and".
JD: Whew. That was a close one.
GOD: Don't worry about it, we've got a room reserved up here for you anytime.
JD: Do you really mean that?
GOD: No, you fucking atheist son of a bitch. You're frying when you go.
JD: Please, don't say something you don't mean just to humour me, God. How would you feel if hundreds of millions of Christians did...
okay, bad example.
GOD: (bemused silence)
JD: Could I bring the conversation to some other religions, for a bit?
GOD: Sure, I have a bit of extra time before I have to go appear in a cruller at a Tim's in Sydney.
JD: What's the deal with Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Wicca, Jainism, etc.? If your faith is the right one, are they all crap?
GOD: No, I really think there's quite a bit of merit in all those movements.
JD: Then why don't some of your followers see it that way?
GOD: Because some of my followers are people with reduced mental capacities, ie Southern Baptists.
JD: Point taken. So what you're saying is that Christians should be tolerant of other religions, and even try to learn something from them?
GOD: You're smarter than you look, kid.
JD: Wow, God preaching tolerance. Who woulda thunk it?
GOD: I know, it goes against all my principles.
JD: Was that sarcasm?
GOD: Of the very best kind.
JD: Three questions left. If you could be any kind of tree...
GOD: I'd be the kind that recognizes what a stupid question that is.
JD: Your favourite flavour of ice cream?
GOD: Heavenly hash, of course.
JD: Finally, should pot be legalized?
GOD: Abso-fucking-loutely. What do you think I was doing before creating all you guys?
