How to Bring Back Love to a Loveless Relationship

Intro

The most important thing that people need to remember about love is that love is a choice. Unfortunately, this concept is not intuitive. People see love as something that just happens - you meet someone, and sparks just fly. Love at first sight is most commonly accepted. And those who say they don't believe in love at first sight have merely been once bitten, twice shy. And in a way, love does just "happen." There are two distinct "stages" of love. The first stage does seem to just happen. It is a time when your entire focus is on the other. You almost can't believe that such a person could exist, because compared to anyone else, they are just so perfect! You can't see any flaws in them. They are your motivation for everything. Your life revolves around them. You feel like the King of the World! And that is a great time. But this is only the first stage of love. People don't realise that this first stage is not permanent, and cannot be permanent. In all reality, the most it ever lasts is two years. Sometimes it lasts only six months. But as is true of all things, it takes the death of one thing to bring life into a new and better thing.

The second stage of love is true, mature love. You begin to see the flaws. You begin to notice the fat. You are annoyed by certain attitudes they have. You begin to disagree on matters. Things aren't as they used to be. It is soon after stage two that many people lose it. Given that stage one can last for two years, those who are married within the first two years of meeting, I suggest, are taking a big risk. But even after stage two has set in, it may be five or more years before people give in. And you know what they all ask… "Why can’t it be like it was when we first met?" The reason is simple. Stage two isn't like that. People think that the first stage is what love is - full stop. And when they can't see that any more, they think love has died. So I will begin to tell you what stage two is like.

As I alluded to earlier, love is a choice. It is now, when you are noticing the imperfections, the blemishes, the dissentions and what have you, that you must make a conscious choice. You must decide to love that person. A cycle may begin in a relationship. One of the partners, often the male, begins to form a resentment towards the woman over a matter. Perhaps she embarrassed him at a party. He punishes her by withdrawing his expressions of love, for a time. In return, however, she may do the same. And the spiral begins. Then five years down the track, it has nothing to do with the party any more. You are not even bitter at each other over a particular thing. You are merely wondering where all the love went. You must choose to break the cycle. Better yet, never fall into the cycle.

The Cycle

Human beings need love. When we feel loved, our heart is full. Every time our partner makes us feel loved, our heart is topped up. As we go for a week or a day without receiving any loving gestures, the love that we had in our heart begins to drain away. We need to be topped up regularly. Having a heart full of love gives us confidence and self-esteem. We are happy and cheerful when our hearts are full, and we don't lose our temper very easily. In a relationship, if our heart is empty for some reason, we do snap back and get angry. The most common cycle is between two people who have empty hearts. They need to feel loved in order to fill their emptiness, but the other will not show them any love. After all, isn't terribly hard to love someone who is grumpy, irritable, snappy and has low self-esteem. The two partners withdraw into their own little worlds. Sometimes two people may lead completely separate lives, even though they live under the same roof as husband and wife. At this point, you are deep in the cycle, and you are spiralling ever downward. A choice has to be made to begin to fill that person's heart with love once more, and gain back that loved one you seem to have lost. You may know deep down inside that you love the other person, despite the way they are. This is excellent, because it means that the relationship is not lost! If, on the other hand, you feel that you do not love the other person any more, then you must make an extra effort to make this conscious decision. Recall the way things were when you first met each other, and believe me when I say that things can be that way again! It is never too late.

Rebuilding the Relationship

Those who have fallen recently in love may be considering their new partner, and cannot for the life of them see how that person's heart could ever be empty, because you yourself just love them so much, you could never deny that person the love they need! However, in some cases, love is withdrawn on purpose as a punishment, and this unintentionally works its way out of control. The even sadder part is that we can often withdraw love to punish someone, simply because we don't know any other way to punish that person, because this is what we learned from our parents. We often copy what our parents did in life. Unfortunately, this applies for both good and bad, until we realise the bad in what they did.

There is another way in which love can fall from a relationship. To understand this, let us go back to the beginning of a love relationship. In that first stage of love, you will do so much to express love to the other person. You will buy them little treats. You will offer to drive them from one side of town to the other. You will miss outings with friends and family to be with the other person. And it is also a very physical time, with nearly 80% of your time in some cases kissing, caressing, holding hands, and so on. The second stage of love is somewhat different. These things are getting too expensive, and too time consuming. You are confident enough in the love you have for each other, and these things slowly depart. This is a good thing, I might add. The fact that you have that confidence in each other's love is a good thing. But no matter how much love you feel towards the other person, unless you express that love to them, they will not feel it, and the love in their heart will begin to drain away, and won't be replaced. The unfortunate thing is, however, that people have one particular way in which they are able to receive love. To give a specific example, I recall a couple who I used to associate with. Their names were Dave and Sharon. Now, for Sharon, Dave was the most loving man in all the world. Her heart was constantly full of love from being around Dave. Dave was her little handy man. He had built for her a chest of drawers for all her things, he had fixed the sink, the lights, installed an air conditioner by himself, fixed the car, mended the furniture. Dave was terribly talented, or so it seemed, at doing those odd jobs that Sharon would otherwise have had to pay to be done. But what she thought was most sweet of him, was that every night he would clear up all the dishes, clean the living room, and then make her a nice cup of hot chocolate and serve it to her in bed. And as wonderful as this relationship seemed to be, Dave was not happy. Dave complained that Sharon had grown cold towards him. She didn't seem to respect him like she used to, and he felt as though she didn't love him any more. Every now and then, he might fix a cabinet or put the door back on its hinges, and she would give him a cuddle and a thankyou, but all that didn't seem so sincere to Dave. For Dave, all the things he did around the house were just things he enjoyed doing. They were things that needed doing. They were no big deal. The hot chocolate he made for his wife was just something he had always done. From Dave's perspective, there was no love in this relationship. So Dave went to his wife one day with news that shocked the pants off her. He said that he was thinking of leaving her, and that he felt that the whole relationship was just "going through the motions." Sharon, who felt like the luckiest girl alive to have a husband who loved her so much, was absolutely bewildered and devastated. What had gone wrong?

The answer to this question lies in the way we receive love from our partner. For Sharon, the things that Dave did around the house, and the little things he did for her, like bringing her a hot chocolate each night, meant more to her than anyone can imagine. They made her feel all important and special. And that was fine for her, but what was she doing to express to Dave that she loved him? In actual fact, she was doing quite a lot! She was always telling him how she appreciated what he did for her around the house. She made his meals for him, and as she did so, she did it with such a joyfulness, knowing that he would be satisfied by the meal she had prepared. She often assisted in the housework; while Dave was cleaning the bathroom, she would vacuum the house. And all this she did out of love for Dave. But for Dave, her actions meant little. It was not that he was ungrateful, but he merely saw it as her performing certain duties around the house that needed to be taken care of. Love didn't have much to do with it for Dave. What Dave knew in his heart was missing was the times they used to sit and chat together. They didn't do that any more. Dave used to love walking Sharon home when they first met, because they would discuss things on the way. He used to love it when they would get a bag of chips and go and sit in the park together. He used to love driving in the car with her, or riding home one the bus together. He used to love the way they would lie in bed for hours nattering about this and that. Now days Sharon didn't seem to want to talk much. She was actually a very talkative person. Dave would often sit night after night listening to her speaking on the phone with friends. However, she liked certain TV programs, and didn't want to be disturbed during those, by anyone! So it seemed that in Dave's spare time, Sharon was unavailable. And of course, Dave had to do the housework each night, and so Sharon and Dave didn't do much talking together then either. For Dave, it seemed to get worse and worse. Sharon didn't understand the problem. She felt that, during those times that she wasn't talking with friends or doing other things, her and Dave spoke about stuff. But the stuff they spoke about was mundane, and little time was spent in conversation of any kind, really.

And so where does the solution lie for Dave and Sharon? Sharon needed to make a choice to begin to express love to Dave in a way that he would feel it. Sharon needed to find time to spend with Dave, because that is what he most needed from her. Dave also needed to realise that Sharon hated cooking and cleaning, and that she only did it out of this immense love she felt for him. Situations such as this are unbelievably common in relationships. For Dave and Sharon, what he needed to feel loved was some quality time with his wife. He needed to be on a one to one, intimate level with her. But that would not have made her feel loved; talking with people is what she did simply because people talk. There was no "big deal" about talking to someone. For Sharon, the things Dave did for her meant so much, but to Dave the things he did were no "big deal" because people just did things. Each person is different when it comes to what speaks love into our hearts. For some, it may be the caress of their loved one, or the praise they receive for doing whatever it is that they do best. For others, it may be the small things their partner does for them, or the time that is spent together.

How Do I know What My Partner Needs?

Unlike Dave and Sharon, it is more often the case that neither partner is receiving love in a way that they can receive it. Either both parties are expressing love the wrong way, or one or both parties have given up expressing love altogether. But whatever the state of affairs, discovering your own personal language of love is essential to restoring a loveless relationship. It may be hard enough for you to realise what you, yourself need in the relationship. The best way to approach the matter is to find out what you yourself need and then request this of your partner. Remember, a request is not a demand. The choice has to be theirs! Love is a choice, for if it is not, it is worthless. If my partner chooses to do something because they love me, that is what real love is. But if they do it because they are somehow forced to, then it means nothing. So let love be a choice. If the choice is made by them to respond to your request, then there is love, and you can make this love grow such that you have a warm, meaningful relationship, and a heart full to overflowing!

So to discover your own personal love needs, there are a few things that you can do. Firstly, since we give love in the way that we most want to receive it, ask yourself in what way do you usually express love to your partner? Secondly, you can begin to consider what it was during that first stage of love that you enjoyed the most, or perhaps what it is that you now miss the most.

You can try to notice in your partner what seems to be missing from their lives. If they criticise you often, it might pay you to actually listen to what they are really trying to say. They may be telling you outright that you are not expressing love in such and such a way. Overlook their tone of voice and begin to listen to the underlying message. You might want to ask them what they miss in the relationship, or what they want most from the relationship. As a rule, women are better at recognising these kinds of things, and often it will be the woman who can pick both her own, and her partner's needs.

Eventually you will find the right answer. This should be after some trial and error, and this is often where people fail. Your relationship isn't going to change the moment you find and begin to apply your partner's need. At first, they may feel that you are not sincere, or perhaps that you are by chance doing some of the things that would usually express love to them. Persist, and make it a way of life for yourself. Don't expect anything back, in time they will change, and perhaps begin to understand your needs. Be patient. Realise that it will be very difficult for you to express love in a way that does not come naturally to you. Rebuilding a relationship takes effort, and above all, you must choose to go on, despite the effort involved.

Outro

Before leaving, there are a few things that we should all remember. Sometimes, as in the case of any kind of abuse, it is best not to stay with a partner, or to try and "love them back to health" so to speak. Although I have heard of occasions where abusive husbands, whose hearts were bitter and resentful, have been subdued by the tender, sincere love of their wives, it is not advisable if you are in an abusive relationship, for you to stay with that partner. Many marriage counsellors these days will recommend divorce far too easily. If the problem is too large, or the solution is not within easy grasp, many marriage counsellors cop out, I believe. I am a firm believer that most relationships can be restored. However, I do recommend that in the case of abuse, you separate from your partner. Secondly, do see a marriage counsellor if you are having relationship difficulties.