Ed sat upright stroking his hair, adjusting his silverware again, and sipping his icy green margarita while conspicuously alone in the Mexican restaurant booth. The warm chips smelled good but he really wasn't hungry. Sit Still! He tended to drink too quickly when he was nervous. Waiting for a woman he had never met always made him that way, seeing that they held such potential for misery or bliss. And, of course, they would both be evaluating each other. He had long since stopped fighting it. The plan was to drown the uncomfortable uneasiness. The goal was to appear relaxed, but not intoxicated.

What if she doesn't like the fact that I didn't wait for her before I ordered my drink? Should I have hers waiting? What does she drink? Does she drink? Will she think I'm impatient? Selfish? Rude? Should I have dressed better? Why am I even worried what someone I've never met thinks about me? Will she even come? Give it up!

He closed his eyes and put a hand to his forehead. It looked as if he had forgotten something extremely important like who he was. But the gesture, in fact, was the result of a sharp, strong headache, the almost unbearable kind you get from drinking frozen drinks too quickly. The ache felt like a giant corkscrew twisting into his skull. He was embarrassed as well but the pain wouldn't let him feel that. He hoped she wouldn't arrive just yet.

Computer dating was nerve racking but it did offer a degree of adventure. Besides, Kate was a widow just getting socially active again after a long year of adjusting to her husband's death. The date appealed to his religious side. He was helping a widow. His motives were good. He had picked a booth near the front window so he could spot her walking in from the lot. He had learned long ago that it's best to meet someplace neutral before committing to an evening together. One can only be polite for so long.

I hope that's not her. No. Short black hair. How short?

I hope that's her. Wow! Walk this way, please! Oh well. I should have known better. Attractive women don't need computers.

He finally spotted a lone figure emerging from the sea of parked cars. The hair was so short that he thought male at first but the body and movement was definitely female. It had to be her. Their eyes met through the large window. He waved. She waved back. It was Kate. She was right. She didn't look like a widow.

She entered the front doors, said something briefly to the hostess, and started towards him. She looked good from a distance and better as she moved closer. That was rare. Most always, his enthusiasm grew more distant as they got nearer. He squinted. Her hair was short, but well styled and freshly cut. Her skin was pure, youthful, and slightly olive with that pearly radiance he loved so much. Her eyes were brown, bright and she had a good figure. Her clothes were plain but tasteful. Ed was smiling broader with her every step. She almost looked Asian.

"Kate! You made it."

"Yeah, I got lost of course but that's nothing new."

"Have a seat and..."

"You didn't have glasses in your picture," she said with an almost disapproving tone.

"I took them off for the picture so the light wouldn't glare. Do they look bad?"

"Nah. I'm just so glad you have hair." They laughed.

As Kate sat down across from him he noticed the two small rings in her right ear. Her left ear was empty. She also had a tiny diamond in her nose. He usually didn't care for the pierced look but was already making exceptions for the beautiful Kate. She could have had a shrunken head around her neck and a bone through her nose and it would not have mattered. He had told himself recently that he wasn't going to consider a woman's outward appearance so much. It was usually a bad door. But Kate was forcing him to abandon that resolution quickly. His hand was on the knob. Resolution is no match for genes.

"Nice earrings. God, I'm so glad you're not ugly! I mean you're more then not ugly. You're..."

"Thanks. They have sentimental value." She reached up and fondled the earrings tenderly while looking out the window with a sharp, distant stare.

"Would you like a drink? Do you drink? Alcohol?"

"Sure. All things in moderation. Is that a margarita?"

Thank God, she drinks!

"Yes. It's real good. Taste?" He slid the drink over. She sipped and her eyes flared up approvingly.

"Mm. I'll have one then."

He noticed her hands. She had beautiful, elegant, young looking hands. Ed signaled to the waiter and ordered for her. After the drinks began to flow along with the words, the conversation eventually turned to the subject of relationships. It seemed everyone had a story.

"Actually, I was married once before my last husband."

"Really? What happened there?"

"I don't know. He was weak."

"You don't know?"

"He just disappeared one day. We were having some financial problems and I think, I don't know, but I think he might have borrowed some money from someone and couldn't pay it back. I hate talking about old..."

"No, it's good. Everybody has a past and it makes you who you are. I don't believe in this 'let's pretend we're clean slates' idea."

"I suppose." She sipped. Ed watched.

"What? He just never came home?"

"The police never found him?"

"Nope. But that was a long time ago. So why did you get divorced?"

"Well, You might think this is strange and you can laugh if you want but my wife was violent. She decked me a few times."

"Why would I laugh? That sounds horrible."

"It was. It's just that most of the time it's the other way around. Most people have a hard time imagining a battered husband. It would have been funny if it wasn't happening to me."

"I guess that's true. Still, I can't imagine."

"She wanted me to hit her back so it would be our problem. But I wouldn't do it. I could never look at her the same after she hit me. And I'm not talking about a little girly slap. I'm talking full fisted, full force, in the face." Ed made a fist and shook it up and down a bit.

"She wanted you to join in. She didn't want to be left holding the bag."

Women always seemed to know what motivates other women, even if they don't know them.

"We went to counseling and everything."

"You should never try to change someone. You either love them the way they are or not at all."

"Yeah, but I was raised in a family where you never strike anyone in anger. I don't understand these people who get married three and four times. The only thing I can think is that their marriages weren't nearly as bad as mine."

"That's tough. I hate divorce. I believe in marriage though." Her demeanor turned serious.

"What do you mean you believe in it?"

"I mean I take the vows seriously. If I do it, I'm in it for good. For keeps. I don't believe in making vows and not keeping them." The way she said this was a little strange, but it was refreshing to be with a woman who believed in commitment. That appealed to his religious side as well.

"Well, I didn't really know what else to do. I had to get out."

The rest of the conversation went well. They laughed easily and Ed wanted to see her again, so he made the suggestion.

"We should get together again."

"That sounds good to me."

"This Saturday night?"

"Sure."

Outside, he kissed her confidently, but with reservation, on her cheek, and put a period on the end of a great evening. The two earrings became less focused and huge in his eyes as he moved towards the side of her head. Ed drove home elated and then called his best friend, Jeff.

"Jeff, I've met this incredible woman..."

"Oh, no. Here we go. 'She's the most beautiful...'"

"I'm serious. She's great. She's fun, educated, mysterious, and witty. And, check this out, she even has a hobby. She actually does something. She paints. She might not resent me for practicing the guitar."

"Ed, you always get this excited when you meet a beautiful woman. And you always say 'it's different this time.'"

"Do I?"

"Yes. Just wait till she gets wind of your temper."

"Come on. Humor me. Patronize me."

"I always do."

"This one feels good, like it could last. And check this out. No kids and she never talks about her family. That's enough..."

"Ed, all your relationships are over. They're over before they begin."

"You think? Man! Give me some hope. She's pierced."

"She's what?"

"Pierced. She has rings and studs."

"And she's pierced your heart? Ed, you have no patience with women. They want to be pampered. You have to play the game and you won't or you don't."

"Maybe I'll learn."

Jeff did his best to mirror Ed's excitement but part of his frustration was knowing that when Ed felt like this he was unalterable. Jeff had known him for twenty years. He knew the routine.

"Well, call me when it's over. I'll drink a beer with you."

"Later."

Ed spent the rest of the week cleaning his apartment, car, and self. It had been a long time since he actually cared about what a woman thought of him, and it was showing. He poured a little lemon cleaner in all his drains for the final touch.

Saturday arrived and He drove to get Kate. She lived alone in an unusual, secluded, contemporary house north of the city. They went out, had a good dinner, and then went to hear some music at a local bar. She came by his place for a while, commented favorably on the lemon freshness, and then said she had better be leaving.

"Listen I had a great time but I need to get home. I can only paint on the weekends. Well, I can paint during the week but I don't enjoy it as much. There's a groove you get in that takes some time."

"Listen. I understand. I'm just glad you actually do something besides try to find happiness in social activity. Most of the women I know have jobs they hate. When they're not working, they're looking for love, and think you should be too."

"Well, that's not me. It's important to be somebody."

"Let's get you home so you can be."

The conversation on the way home actually seemed to confirm that Ed may have indeed found the illusive, like-minded woman of his now casual dreams.

Months went by and Jeff heard less and less from Ed. He was orbiting another. That was always how it worked. It usually took Ed about six months to realize he was not the kind of man most women wanted. But Jeff would hear from him soon and the tone of his voice would say it all. One Saturday, Jeff's phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jeff. It's me." Ed's voice had that depleted quality.

"I hear it. When did she leave?"

"Why does this always happen?"

"You're too stubborn. And you don't compromise. Actually you're a selfish, spoiled..."

"JEFF! Pack your bags! I'm getting married!"

"Married? Are you crazy?"

"Yes. You'll be my best man won't you?"

"Are you serious?"

"As a funeral...or a wedding. Hell, what's the difference?"

Ed explained everything. Jeff said he should give it more time. Ed said they were getting older and didn't have more time. Emotionally inflamed determination won out over logic as it usually does. The date was set a few months ahead and, when the time arrived, Jeff drove up from south Georgia. One afternoon, Ed and Kate were discussing details.

"You don't have anyone you want to invite? Not even your parents? I'm fine with it, it's just that..."

"What? That most women see marriage as some sort of confirmation of their personal value and femininity and want the whole world to witness it?"

"Ah...Well, yeah."

"Ed, our vows are for each other. The ceremony is for the vows. If people would just keep their vows, there wouldn't be so much divorce and disaster. It's simple. You make a vow. You keep it. If you can't keep it don't make it."

"But don't you think most people get married planning on keeping their vows?"

"It doesn't matter. Just because you want something doesn't mean you can have it. You have to be the kind of person who can keep a vow. And you should know that about yourself before you take one. Only fools make vows and don't keep them."

"I suppose the world is full of fools?"

"It is. And I'm not one of them. And I hope you aren't either. I don't think you are. You know if people just did what they promised to do. And divorce has just gotten so common. It's not a scandal anymore. But what is? Look at murder."

"Murder? Who got murdered?"

"You mean 'Who didn't get murdered'."

Ed sat in a stew of self-examination. She did seem to have a point. Who took 'Till death do us part' seriously anymore? Kate continued.

"As far as I'm concerned, we could say our vows together before God and it would be enough. Have you ever thought about how people got married before there were ministers, governments, chapels, and ceremonies?"

"Yes. I have." He was surprised that she had thought about it.

It was a small gathering and a simple ceremony. Ed had never seen a bride look more serious. She said her vows with an almost spooky solemnity.

"I do." There were no smiles during the ceremony but it worked, as it always does, and they were quickly pronounced man and wife. Jeff went home to a smaller long distance phone bill, and Ed took off with Kate for the beach.

The honeymoon went well except Ed was no longer able to mask his lack of patience. He snapped at her a few times and she did not like it. Once, after a long bike ride in the hot sun, Kate suggested they go back to the hotel and get a Daiquiri. His mind was fixed on the silvery, smooth, icy coolness he imagined. Outside the door, she saw the pool.

"We should go swimming."

Ed was too tired to argue so he put on his trunks and got in the pool. Kate walked out later in her blue bikini. She looked great but he was distracted by his own frustration.

"Did you get the drinks?"

"No. We're swimming now. Remember?"

"I thought you would order the drinks."

"They don't have pool-side service Kate. We're not on the Riviera."

Ed could feel his insides knotting up as the horrible tone of his own voice echoed in his own offended ears. Then there was that damn silence. It was hot and the only relief he got, if you could call it that, was the ice cold shoulder from Kate.

Later that night, the awkwardness continued. "You didn't have to take your bad mood out on me. I thought I was done with all that. Did I miss the vow about making sure I knew you were irritated with me?"

"I didn't mean anything personal. I just ran out of patience. I had my heart set on that drink and then you changed the plan on me. I like to do one thing at a time. It's no big thing really. Let's not make it an issue."

"If it was no big thing then why did you get so upset and take it out on me?"

The conversation continued in a similar fashion culminating in a night of chilly togetherness. Ed explained his behavior while Kate told him how it felt from her end. Unknown to the other, both Ed and Kate had been modifying their behavior in slight ways for months. But the dams they had both built, in the name of love, were beginning to leak. Hotel rooms can be cold.

"Maybe you should get some help," was the last thing he heard.

Maybe you should, was the last thing he thought. They both drifted off into their own private, miserable nights.

On the way home, they discussed the relationship which was Ed's least favorite thing to do. He remarked once to a friend that he would rather have his teeth sandblasted. The reason? Everything was suspended. You can't have a relationship and talk about it at the same time. You can't concentrate and be aware of it at the same time. Kate was driving, and after passing a large truck, a pleading sound filled the growing quietness.

"Don't you realize that we are one now? You know, 'The two shall become one?' To be kind to me is to be kind to yourself. Don't you see! We, you and me, are one. To be cruel to me is to hurt yourself. You could at least be selfish enough to not hurt yourself."

"Does that mean that if I get cranky it's an act of selflessness?"

She ignored the sarcasm. "We need to get some things out."

"God Kate, I hate relationship talk."

"If you did what you were supposed to do, what you promised to do, we wouldn't have to talk about anything."

"I'm trying! Watch out, that car is slowing down."

"I see. We should recite our vows each night before we go to bed."

"Are you serious?"

"Why not? It couldn't hurt. Ed, I love you and I don't want to lose you."

"Lose me?"

Kate had her hand on Ed's leg and she turned her eyes from the road long enough to give Ed a deep, but brief, solemn glance. It reminded him of the look on the doctor's face when, as a child, he got the news that his father had cancer. He changed the subject.

"So do you see your parents on holidays?"

Kate wiped a tear from her eye but her face did not seem to reflect sorrow. It was more the face of resolution.

"Can we get off at the next exit?"

Ed and Kate had, what appeared to most, a good relationship. Ed, however, felt a constant need to be more like the man he had promised to be. But the pressure was having an opposite effect and he began to resent Kate as the source. He was finding that affection was hard to legislate.

"Dammit Kate! Is it always all or nothing with you? Have you ever thought about a vow of silence?"

"Ed, I know what you're doing."

"Good, because I sure as Hell don't."

"You're preparing yourself to leave me. You're setting the emotional stage."

"I'm what?"

"You're making me out to be the cause of your unhappiness. But I'm not. You are. You have no character. You live for your own happiness but can never have it because you haven't learned where it comes from."

"I thought it might come from you."

"You stumble over it on the road to duty."

"The road to duty? That sounds more like a slogan for the Marines."

"So does honor offend you somehow? Look Ed, you are not keeping your part. I'm not your problem. But you want me to be so you can justify leaving me. I know the process...well. You should change."

"Change?"

"Yes. Before it's too late."

But Ed didn't change.

"Ed, please don't be a fool."

But he was.

Six months later, the emotional peaks and valleys continued to get higher and lower. Ed and Kate would go from elation to silent, seething frustration within hours. The anger and passion which characterized the initial discussions had eased into a restless, cancerous quiet. One night, between the tides, Ed broke the silence.

"Do you think we should have waited? Maybe lived together first?"

"Ed! We're married you idiot! Why even think like that? Marriage has more to do with the character of the people involved, not how well they're matched. It's a commitment. You either do it or you don't. I love you Ed."

Ed sighed and said nothing. Kate continued.

"Once you break a vow, you're never the same. It does something to you. It changes you. You lose a part of yourself you can never get back."

"Well, the same thing seems to happen if you keep it."

Kate shook her head and gave up trying to influence her wayward husband. Ed suggested a separation, but Kate seemed to have no regard for her own happiness. Then one day Ed never showed up for work and Kate was gone. She kept her vow.

* * *

At a small restaurant in Los Angeles, a woman was talking with a man she had met on the computer. He was taken with her and, in typical male fashion, enjoying listening to himself talk. All the seemingly insignificant facts of his rather boring life took on a rare nobility, at least to him, when a beautiful woman was listening.

"Kelcie. I like that name. I'm just so glad we met. Most of the woman I've met on the computer have been rather plain and uninteresting. I've had some real nightmares. But this is a pleasant surprise. Most of them don't seem to be interested in a long term relationship either. They may want commitment but that doesn't mean they know how to be committed. Kelcie?"

But she was not listening. Instead, she stared out into the busy street, gently stroking her third new earring with one elegant finger. She finally interrupted.

"You know I believe in marriage."

Copyright (1999) by Edward L. Wier

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