To Turn The Hearts Of The Fathers
by
Fr. Martin Pable, OFM Cap. 
	 

Absence of a father in the family "leaves a hole in the soul into which demons may enter." Some of these demons are low self-esteem, hostility, and mistrust of male figures.

It is not only a father's physical absence - whether from divorce, desertion, or death - that can create problems for children. Emotional and psychological absence can be just as harmful. Some fathers are physically present in the family, but their "heart" is not there. It is in their jobs, in their projects, in their diversions. Sometimes an abstract truth like this becomes intensely vivid when seen through the lens of an actual case. 

A case study : Gary Rosberg, featured speaker for Family Life Marriage Conferences, revealed his own struggle with being an emotionally absent father. One day while he was cramming for his doctoral thesis in counselling, his younger daughter Sarah burst into his study with a sketch she had just drawn and entitled "The Rosberg Family". Too busy to notice at first, he finally looked at the picture and promised to hang it on the dining room wall. 

After his daughter had left the room, Rosberg took a second look at the picture. He saw Mom, Sarah, other daughter Missy, and dog Katie. But no Dad. He called Sarah back into the room and asked, "Honey, where's Daddy?" "Oh," she said nonchalantly, "you're in the library." Rosberg sat frozen at his desk. It was an awful moment of truth for him: That's how your own daughter perceives you. Not at home, not in the family picture, not part of her life. To her, you are the guy who spends his time at the library. He was scared. 

He went on to earn his doctoral degree with the sad realisation that he had sacrificed eleven years of his life for that trophy - eleven years that had made him a stranger to his wife and kids. One evening he found the courage to speak. "Barbara," he asked his wife, "is it too late for me to come home?" After a long pause she answered, "The girls and I love you very much. We want you home. But you haven't been here. I've felt like a single parent for years." 

It was the answer Rosberg had dreaded. The carefully controlled world he had spent so much time grooming was unravelling. His daughter had drawn the picture. Now his wife had spoken the words. He recalled the missed dinners, studying "just a little longer" at the library. He thought of the cancelled vacations so he could finish a class. He lamented the day his daughter Missy had refused to sit on his lap because she "did not know her daddy". 

What kind of legacy was he leaving? He was a stranger in his own home. Suddenly clear-headed, Rosberg knew what he had to do: he would win his family back. That became the most important thing in the world to him - more important than degrees, than prestige. What were these things worth if his family didn't even know who he was? 

But he knew he would have to pay a price. He began by apologising to his wife and children. He remembered the example of his own father: each night he came home from work and spent the first hour talking over the day with his wife. He took a fresh interest in his daughters' activities. He turned down requests for teaching and counselling when he knew they would interfere with family events. He asked his wife and children to give him feedback on how he was doing as a husband and a father. "I saw that I have a very short amount of time on this earth," he says, "to impact the lives of Barbara and the kids. It's my job to lead my family spiritually, to prepare my children for living for eternity, for eternal life with God." 

Moment of truth : Gary Rosberg's story is not unique. It is being retold by a growing number of men who are dissatisfied with the ways that social and economic life today can trap them into eliminating themselves from the family picture. But there are no easy resolutions. So much of modern life can blind men to what is happening to them. After all, what's wrong with getting advanced degrees or working hard to provide more comforts and enjoyment for your family or volunteering to serve on civic boards and church committees? Absolutely nothing. And that's precisely the problem. The man can feel justified in sacrificing family time - the seemingly small world of music recitals and class plays and family meals - for the exciting ventures of the bigger world "out there". What will it take to "turn the hearts of fathers toward children"? The moment of truth and grace can break through any time in any way. A child's simple drawing broke open the self-enclosed world of Gary Rosberg. For other fathers, it could be the onset of a stress-induced illness, the discovery that one of their children is showing serious behaviour problems, or just the sudden realisation that the children will be gone in a few short years and they barely know them. 

A change of heart : We all know that we can decide to do something, even when "our heart is not in it." We may be motivated only by a sense of obligation or by a need to please someone. But that motivation quickly wears thin. Suppose that Gary Rosberg had decided to reconnect with his family only because someone told him he should. Imagine that he had entered into the process grudgingly instead of willingly. He may have managed to carry it off pretty well for a while, but eventually the family would have picked up on his body language and sensed his reluctance. Probably young Sarah would have blurted out one day, "Daddy, you don't really want to do this, do you?" 

That is why it is so important that there be a change of heart. Something has to touch the father at that deeper level - where he feels in his gut that he is missing something, paying too high a price for his other accomplishments, in danger of losing what is really important in life. Then when he makes a move back to the family, he will discover the joy and the deep-down satisfaction that comes from being a devoted husband and father. 

I often ask fathers, "What kind of legacy would you like to leave your children?" Seldom do I hear talk about money or property. Most often I hear : "I want to be a positive role model". "I want them to remember me as a dad who loved them." "I want them to have a strong faith and good moral and spiritual values." These are the dads who bless our world with their presence.