author's note: I in no way justify or excuse suicide. Suicide is wrong and extremely uncool, it is the lowest form of self-pity and gets you no where. This piece is not sponsoring suicide. The protagonist needs help and so do all people who consider suicide a way out. It is NOT a way out, only coward and *very* disturbed people commit suicide. You don't wanna be categorized that way do ya? copyrighted to Aria(crune@coqui.net) 1998 feedback wanted To Drown by Aria(crune@coqui.net) I remember as if it were yesterday...a drowning feeling...sinking... trying to hold on, but infinitely lost in a sea of hopelessness. In my hands all I could hold on to was the smooth bottle of the pills. I did not know or care what they were. I put as many pills as I could in my mouth desperately trying to end the storm, the whirlwind of confusion and hopelessness that tore at me violently from the inside. It was not a moment to meditate, or to ponder, I had to do this fast. I have to do this, I kept repeating to myself. At the time I did not notice that this was about proving to myself I could do it. I swallowed the pills. In my momentary madness I wanted them to act quickly-- so that I could fade away fast and not realize what I was doing. But something went wrong. After I passed out, my mother came home early. She flew instantly in action after seeing the crumpled body of her daughter in front of the bathroom sink, hands clutching a bottle of Valium. Paramedics came and worked hard to save my life-- harder than I worked to take it and I came to, dazed and confused beside a weeping mother. I spent some time in the hospital-- a lot of psychiatric help later I left to go back home, where people whispered about 'the poor suicidal girl'. I wandered about, studied for school, got a job...became normal. I don't know why I tried to take my life that September afternoon. I can only phantom bits and pieces. But sometimes, late at night I wake up from this dream where I'm drowning... sinking... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End feedback: