As we celebrate the 136th anniversary of Nevada's statehood, we residents of the Silver State find ourselves getting an unparalleled amount of attention from national politicos. And it's cracking me up.
We are suddenly being bombarded by political ads from both parties on why we need to vote for either Bush/Cheney or Gore/Lieberman. The Gore camp is telling us how he and Clinton absolutely love Nevadans, as evidenced by the fact that they single-handedly stepped in to veto a bill that would have brought nuclear waste to Nevada, whereas the Republicans wanted to bury deadly waste under every sagebrush located in this state. The Bush side is countering these ads by saying that Gore is a major, exaggeration-prone boob.
You gotta love political ads. Kind of like you gotta love a serious case of hemorrhoids.
Anyway, the reason Nevada is getting this attention all of a sudden is that this presidential race is one of the closest ever, so close that Nevada's piddly four electoral votes (out of 538 total) could actually make a difference.
That is the only reason we're being courted so heavily, with both vice-presidential nominees making brief stops here last week. And Gore's hottie daughter has a stop planned at the University of Nevada, Reno, later this week. Normally, presidential candidates (and their hottie daughters) (or hottie sons, I guess) pay about as much attention to Nevada as Clinton pays attention to the male interns. In other words, we're ignored.
After all, why do you think the government officials, especially those who wear the GOP label, have been trying to stick Nevada the nuclear waste dump for 15 years now? Because the state is barren and desolate and largely owned by the federal government? That's part of it. But the fact that we have the political clout of Pat Buchanan's undershorts is another large part of it.
Make no mistake -- after Nov. 7, Nevada will go back to being ignored. And the fact that we'll have a whopping five electoral votes the next time around won't make us any more important.
Therefore, I think Nevada needs to take advantage of this unique situation in the political spotlight during the week between now and the election. I say we residents unite to make some demands, with the promise that the presidential candidate who delivers us with the most will be awarded with our precious four electoral votes.
Here are some possible demands:
-- A tax subsidy on neon. The casinos would love this, and they could pass some of the savings onto the government to pay for schools and roads. Everybody wins! Only problem: The gaudier casinos would benefit in greater percentages than other casinos. That damn Peppermill sign, for example, would bring in a fortune. And we won't even talk about how well the Las Vegas Strip casinos would make out. Hey, it's a flawed plan, but something to consider.
-- Give us some of the land in the state owned by the federal government. Then we, can, um ... well ... I don't know what we'd do with it. There's only so much you can do with desolate expanses. But, hey, it would be ours, in case we ever thought of something.
-- A large financial grant for Nevada humor columnists. Hey, just because I am one of the few in the state, if not the only one ...
-- A tax increase out there for all morons who think that Reno and Las Vegas are nearby just because they are in the same state. I also support, if Constitutionally allowable, public floggings for such people.
-- A pledge that, as part of their much-touted education programs, they will require a lesson in all schools across the country on how to say "Nevada" correctly.
-- A law making it a federal crime, punishable by execution, for casino executives to act in commercials for their own establishments.
-- A promise that the president and his family will not keep a vacation home in some place like Kennebunkport, Maine or Martha's Vineyard, Mass., but will instead spend vacations in scenic Gerlach, Nevada.
Folks, let's make these candidates pay for your electoral booty (I could make a tacky legal prostitution joke here, but I won't); the humor columnists and residents of Gerlach are counting on you.
Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, is thrilled that he was able to work the words "booty" and "Gerlach" into the same sentence. His (Jimmy's, not his booty's) column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.geocities.com/jiboegle. Happy Nevada Day!