In one way, today's topics are very serious matters, involving terrorist threats and the health of the leader of the so-called free world.
In another way, today's topics are liable to cause you to unintentionally shoot beverages out your nose.
Our first topic comes to us from the Jan. 16 Los Angeles Times, in an article titled "World Press Tries to Unknot Tale of Bush and the Pretzel." Besides the fact that the latter part of that article title sounds borderline pornographic, this is one hilarious piece of journalism.
As the title suggests, the article is a survey of the coverage given to the George W. Bush/pretzel/football/choking/staring dogs incident from 10 days or so ago. And let's just say that the world is having a bit of fun with the incident.
-- "George Bush attempted to taste the biscuit with his attention focused on a football game -- a combination of actions that, it appears, proved difficult." (To Vima, Greece)
-- "[Bush is] a man of the people. This is exactly the sort of accident that befalls Homer Simpson, night after the night. ... [Bush] has shown himself, once again, to be completely in tune with the tastes and instincts of the people he leads." (Daily Telegraph, London)
-- "This shows that the most powerful man on Earth is, above all, a man. And as a man, he is in danger of digging his grave with his teeth ... especially when he comes from a society that obviously has a complicated relationship with food." (Le Progres, France)
-- "Has the president's alcohol problem been taken up again?" (Bild, Germany)
And my personal favorite:
-- "Bush's organism, although weakened and unconscious, managed to cope with the indisposition. The organism first rejected the pretzel but later swallowed it and digested without mercy." (Gazetta, Russia)
I think the Los Angeles Times deserves a Pulitzer Prize for this article. Now, if only we can get the Pulitzer committee to stop eating; they have such a complicated relationship with their food. (This would make for a very salacious expose in the National Enquirer.)
The second topic comes to us from an Associated Press article posted on CNN.com, also on Jan. 16, titled "Punxsutawney Phil a Terrorist Target?"
That headline, in and of itself, is wonderful journalism. The point of the article is that on Feb. 2 -- when that poor, sleepy, confused groundhog is grabbed from its peaceful slumber and hoisted in front of reporters and cameramen with too much time on their hands -- security in the area will be beefed up. This goes to show that, since Sept. 11, all Americans, even Groundhog-Americans, are possible victims of terrorism.
"They'll be checking people a little more, naturally, the way conditions are," said Barney Stockdale, of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, told the AP.
The AP story goes on to say: "People with backpacks or bags will be subject to a search when they go to Gobbler's Knob [Phil's home]."
While this article was fascinating and informative on several different levels, there are several questions that remain unanswered:
-- There's such a thing as the "Punxsutawney Groundhog Club"?
-- Who the hell is responsible for naming a place "Gobbler's Knob"?
-- Is it wrong to shoot coffee out one's nose when one hears the name "Gobbler's Knob"?
-- What does Bill Murray think of all of this?
-- Would Bill Murray be interested in the role Barney Stockdale if another movie was made about Groundhog Day?
These are some interesting things for our organisms to ponder, swallow and then digest without mercy. That is, if the alcohol problem doesn't resurface.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who likes pretzels, but prefers Cheetos -- which would be the perfect snack were it not for that yellow stuff that gets all over your fingers. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.